Now then, shed those Pro-Tecs, put on your thinking caps and for
the last time keep them fingers out of your pants. It's high time you
left them gay twists, stale fishes and Madonnas alone and came back
down to earth. Everyday y'all ollie until you'z blue in the face, trying
to see who can pop over Lord knows what. It's time you varmints
wake up and taste the biscuits. If you really want to grow some hair
in them pits, ya gotta go fast; ya gotta C-A-R-V-E.
Scarves
ves is what came first. Before the chicken, before the
egg, even before the kicktail there were carves. Nope, there
tweren't no ollie-flip-around-
fakie-fandangos, no sir, just
carves, pure and simple. This
was way back in the steel
wheel days, when we got
everything but the board
from our baby sister's roller-
skates. When we had to
threaten to deflower her Bar-
bie and castrate her Ken if
she cried to Dad. We may
not have had a whole lot of
tricks up our sleeves, but at
least we had style, and that's
more than I can say for the
bow-legged, stink-bugged
sons o' bitches I see ridin'
before me today.
you need is a little forward momentum and the world is at your feet.
See that hill? See that curb? See that "House for Sale by Foreclosure"
sign over there? 'Nuff said, I've given you too many hints already, if
you can't find a place on your own right now, you ain't worth the mud
on your griptape.
Hey you little sourpuss, I heard that. Don't be telling me carves
are boring. That's the same thing your girlfriend said to me about
her love life until I gave her a taste of what's what. I'll tell you exactly
what I told her, there's a million different ways to go at it baby, you
just gotta plug it in.
There's backside carves, frontside carves, backwards carves, round-
house carves, one-foot
carves, christie carves,
switch-stance carves,
handstand carves...and
A certified professor of gyrational physics, Doctor Steve Alba demonstrates the undisputable
But never fear, there's still theory of ripativity
hope for you lads yet, or my name is Jello Biafra. Redemption is just
a carve away, kiddies. All you gotta do is drop in and hang on, inertia
will do the rest. Trust in the force, centrifugal force, and let it take
you for a spin. Just hold tight and go with the flow. Don't fight it with
no kickturns or fakies, pump that tranny for all she's worth. If you're
sincere, she'll bestow you with the greatest gift of them all:
unadulterated speed.
Speed is the key to style, my little numb-brained fuzzheads. When
you're truly booking at a breakneck pace, you can't help but have
style; even when your eyes are hanging out from their sockets, even
when there's a tight frown of unholy terror on your lips, and even when
that chunky green snot comes pouring out your flaring nostrils. See,
speed streamlines your extremities and melts away the bus. It's a known
fact that you gotta have style to go fast. It's like my good buddy Don
Redondo once said, "Ugly catches wind."
A
they ain't even the half of it.
For extra style points you
can carve into dun near any
kind of air, just make it fast
and round and long. And
when youz get done
practicing all them, you can
turn around and carve the
turkey, 'cuz by then it'll be
'round about Thanksgiving
time, 1999.
N
ow this ain't just an-
other barrel of buffalo
bagels, not on your life. This is the straight dope. This is the
real deal. This is the bee's knees. You poor little helpless hooligans
have been hoodwinked, hogtied and railroaded long enough. It's
time someone kicked some sense into them thick noggins of yours.
Believe you me, this is for your own good, so open wide and take
your lumps. Your acne-faced complexions have gone pale from star.
ing straight at the mag and the Playboy channel for so long. You've
forgotten what it means to get rad. Before the next time you go out
and try the latest aerobic tap dance fingerflip, before you crack an
airwalk-to-lakie-razzle-dazzle-720-ollie pop-revert-disaster, before you
even take a pee, you gotta pay some dues, mister; you gotta learn
to turn.
So quit fusking around, every day you put it off is another day the
green gremmies dig their valley claws deeper into your hodad soul
and steal away what little style you have left. Some day us old-
timers will be gone with the wind, carving the giant bowl up there
in the sky, and you'll be stuck down here scratching your slime balls
good carve squeezes every last drop of juice out of the and wondering which foot to put first. Mark my words, the race don't
like a stiff drink, mean and kind, both at the same time. Then again,
it's beautiful too, like a bone-dry pool. You can carve all day and
not have to worry about waking up with a hangover. Matter-of-fact,
you'll actually feel better for it in the morning.
What's that? One of you smart alecks is asking your wise old gran-
papa just where he expects you to find a place to carve? Well lookee
here, you best get smart my boy. That ain't up to me, if you wanna
take a ride, you gotta open your eyes. This here is carve country.
There's all kinds of places to cut a line around these parts. Man, all
66
to the dog who flashes the most flair whilst catching some hair-
brained air.
Carving is the only way to prove your virtue in this pussy-willowed
world we live in. Not only is it a gateway to higher knowledge, not
only is it a method to improve your skateboard riding technique, it's
a damn sure-fire way to impress the hey out of each and every Betty
on the street, 'cuz a good carve is something you can both see and
feel. So for once in your wasted lives, listen to your elderz, the Byrds
had it right when they said, "Everything turn, turn, turn."
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