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My heart fluttered as I carried her across
the threshhold and lowered her to the king-
sized bed. My sweet, fuzzy peach, Mrs.
Aaron Frappe, lay prone and veiled before
me, radiant with nuptial excitement. After six
months of courting and cavorting, our love
tryst had finally been realized. Whitney.
Houston crooned from the brand new com-
pact disc component system. All of our wed-
ding gifts sat on the kitchen counter, ready
to whirr into action at the flick of a switch.
Lila's relatives had kind hearts and strikingly
similar thought patterns-they had all given
us blenders. This uniform generosity seemed
a bit odd to me, but my darling Lila was thril-
led to no end. I kicked off my white Bucs and
cuddled up next to her.
WHIP
"Oh, my sweet honey blossom, how I've
longed to celebrate our union with a glorious
rite of passion. Lie with me, accept my caress
and we will experience paroxysms of un-
bridled ecstacy."
Her eyes sparkled like prisms. The whole
room hummed with electricity. I pulled her
veil aside and puckered up, but she withdrew
at the last moment.
"Not yet, darling. All that kneeling and
rising has made me famished. Why don't I
make us a snack first?"
I wasn't very hungry, but the idea of re-
ceiving the first home-cooked meal prepared
by my lovely wife was tantalizing. She had
extolled her domestic capabilities for the past
six months and I was eager to see them in
action. Strangely enough, all throughout our
courtship, I had never eaten any of her
cooking.
"Sounds lovely, my princess. Why don't
you whip something up in the kitchen and
I'll prepare our love nest." I plumped the
pillows as I spoke. She rose, beaming.
headed for the door, then stopped midway.
"Oh yes, I've never told you about my
family tradition, have 1?" There was a note
of foreboding in her voice. My bow-tie con-
tracted around my throat.
"Uh, family tradition? Why no sweet
punkin', you haven't."
"Oh. Well. You see, my Icelandic ances-
tors suffered from mineral deficiencies and
consequently had very weak teeth. They
were unable to eat any solid food, so they
made hand-crafted hardwood food grinders
to puree all their necessary nutrients. I guess
CHOP
her cupboards full of tomato soup and
creamed corn. It even explained the wedding
custard! She smiled, tossed her hair and
spun on a spiked heel. I slumped to the bed
put my head in my palms and prepared to
meet my liquid fate-years and years of
JELLO BIATHALON
1 cup Cherry Jell-o
• ½ cup Cool Whip
• 4 tbsp chocolate syrup
2 tbsp melted cheese
Whip
(Recipe submitted by Jason Feinberg of Colorado
Springs, CO
PAUL'S POOP
4 tbsp peanut butter
3-raw egg
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
1 cup milk
■10 chocolate chip cookies
1 banana
Chap
(Recipe submitted by Paul Chilcutt of Vantura, CA.)
FRUITHEADED POSER DRINK
Nectarine
1 Apple
1 Strawberry
Mix
Half cup chocolate syrup
(Recipe submod by Gig and Jet Bet, Nowington, CT
FRUIT LATHER
.6 oz. concentrated orange juice
1 cup water
1 cup milk
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
•10 of 12 ice cubes
Grat
SLUSH PUPPIE
12 ice cubes
2 hot dogs
PUREE
blood is thicker than lunchmeat in my family (Recipe submitted by Dave Cason of Reston, VA.)
because this custom is still alive. Blender
drinks are my sole form of sustenance."
The horror! I wondered how I could have
been so blind. This revelation explained all
the matching gifts. It explained all of those
Slurpee and milkshake dates. It explained
1 cup fruit juice
Purea.
(Recipe submitted by Mitchell Anderson of
Fredericksburg, VA.)
with Chef-Boy-Am-I-Hungry
LIQUEFY
TOSTADA COLADA
• 2 cups pineapple-coconut juice
10 ice cubes
•1 cup refried beans
Blend.
(Recipe submitted by Joe Neckbone of Albany, GA)
BONELESS BANANA
1 banana
cup m
1tbsp honey
1 tbsp vanilla
Frappe
FRAPPE
(Recipe submitted by Kristol Deliczey of Troutdale, OR)
MMPHLOMI
5 tbsp peanut buffer
2 small boxes of misins
carrot
Cup flour
(Frecipe bred by Jared D)
Note: Each recipe requires a blender
(proper speed is indicated).
PLAN AHEAD
Some day you will grow up, fall in love, get
married and have kids. Chances are at least
one of them will be female. If so, some day
your beautiful girl will grow up, fall in love and
get married and you'll have to provide her
with a dowry. Start the dowry now by buying
her a classic Shark Taco T-shirt. Send $10,75
to THRASHER Shark Taco T-shirt. PO. Box
884570, San Francisco, CA 94188-4570.
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