Clockwise from above: Past Gila
Bend, next to an abandoned silver trailer
and underneath a Texaco sign, lies a
skateable hole. There's just enough tranny
in that hole for Kenny Reed to get a grip on
a frontside rock. Using the cover of night to
hide from the narrow eyes of the skate-
board industry, Scott Copalman slaps a
covert bodyjar on a steep Tempe slant. The
test of a real street skater is their ability to
session objects meant for other purposes,
even while at a skatepark. Jake Stewart
noseslides a retaining wall at The Wedge
skatepark in Scottsdale.
ACTIVITIES
***
When not relaxing in the overwhelming
beauty of the western dirt, those with an
appetite for exercise can find plenty of
opportunities involving both manmade
and natural challenges. Among the young
people, hucking rocks, fist fighting, and
harming animals are some of the more
popular options. For the teens, there is
unprotected sex, amateur gun play, and
even extreme sports. Adults can enjoy
sports bars, buffets, and television, while
the elderlies can relax in the fact that
warm weather does nothing to irritate
their rheumatism and other ailments.
CELEBRATION
Should you be
lucky enough to
befriend some of
the fun-loving locals
of the desert, be
ready for a treat
come fiesta time! If
the host's home features a jacuzzi, naturally
you should jump in naked as soon as the
opportunity presents itself. Despite what
others might say to you, you are not gay for
wanting to get in the hot tub naked, even if
you are the only one nude and all the other
hot tub goers are of your same sex. If some-
one suggests that your dry clothes be taken
from you and hidden, then they are the ones
not adhering to the code of friendliness that
rules the desert. Also, if you have not eaten
prior to the fiesta, it is permissible to run
around drunk, stuffing hot dog buns in your
mouth, provided you do not get them on the
couch or on the part of the carpet that your
hostess just previously vacuumed. It is not a
good idea to change the CD mid- "Stairway to
Heaven" simply because you want to play
"Back That Azz Up" immediately. This is con-
sidered poor form. If you have had too much
to drink or are tired, simply lie down on the
lawn next to your pool of sick and relax-
after all, the outside temperature, even at
night, is warmer than most bedrooms.
LOOKING FOR LOVE
In the harsh confines of the desert, meeting and
mating with members of the opposite sex is not simply
a matter of pleasure, but of survival. Therefore, many
seem to take a more straightforward approach when
meeting and courting. For these aggressive lookers-
for-love, a quick "How's it going?" followed by a quick,
louder statement of "You're hot!" are appropriate
conversation starters. Women who do not respond
positively to this exchange are obviously lesbians and
should be avoided. Likewise, women of the desert are
known to augment their physical appearance, most
notably with elaborate hair and makeup and even more noticeably with
balloon-like protrusions in place of normal breasts. Tight, sparkling
clothing made of synthetic, slippery materials are the choice of both
sexes as well as wraparound sunglasses with odd-colored lenses.