LODGING
Despite the obvious dan-
gers, the charm of the desert.
has made it a popular tourist
destination. Like the stops on
the road to Mecca, the desert
is filled with inns and villas
offering shelter to the way-
ward. When entering a hotel room, it is considered a
good rule of thumb to turn the dial on the window-
mounted air conditioner from whatever position it's in
to the HIGH COOL setting, where it should remain for
the duration of your visit. Even though it might be nec-
essary to put on socks and a sweatshirt while sleeping,
the air conditioner should never be altered. It is also
considered good form to leave the TV on, even when
out of the room, take 45-minute showers, and to gener-
ally try to soil or otherwise ruin every available surface
and/or cloth object in the room. All Cinemax movies
should be viewed regardless of quality or content-
after all, they're paid for. This includes Ghostbusters II,
Sharky's Machine, and especially any and all soft porn
and/or Police Academy films.
Clockwise from left: Jumpin'
Joe Lanenga whips a lofty frontside
air out of a beastly slam-wall of a
bank. Jake Stewart commandeers a
gap at The Wedge that, surprisingly,
even desert legend Randy Colvin
never made. Big Rich Flores proves
that some team managers even
skate by manhandling a slide-n-roll
at Desert West.
SUSTENANCE
The dry, sand-
filled air can really
dry a man's skin,
leading to cracked,
bleeding hands,
burning eyes, and
even chapped lips.
Therefore it is
imperative that all desert travelers take all their
meals at restaurants that use enough oils and grease
to replenish the body's natural sheen. This "shiny
food," as scientists call it, is extra butter-fortified and
consists of all dishes in the fried, egg, sausage, and
burger families. Culinary centers such as Denny's
and, more important, The International House of
Pancakes, are but a few of the more reputable shiny
food outlets. Failure to eat at least two meals daily at
these centers could result in increased viscosity and,
eventually, thermal breakdown.
FLUIDS
Those familiar
with the lore of the
desert know that all
ill-fated
desert
crossings end up
with the stranded
motorist pressed
beneath his crippled nag of a car-using
that rectangle of shade as his only available
umbrella. Now, man can live for weeks.
without eating, but only about twenty
minutes without a cool drink of water.
It is this fact that leads the stranded
motorist to the inevitable-drinking his
own water. What every desert traveler
should know is that beer can easily be
substituted for H2O, and should be
consumed whenever possible. And for
the ladies and preteens, delicious fruit-
flavored wine "coolers" can be used.