Mr. Fix-it Brian Ferdinand crosses over to the right side of the tracks.
Tongue Lotion
The Other Side Of The Trucks
By Simon Woodstock
Like clockwork, everyday at 3:30
pm sharp, a train rolls through your
town. You can set your watch to it,
your ears are used to the daily
monotone horn that blasts the air
with such a thickness you could.
butter your morning.
toast with it.
You
probably don't even ponder the
days you spent as a pup smashing
bottles against the sides of
the boxcars or just
denting.
the
caboose with the biggest
rock you could heave.
You've long since lost all
the necklaces made from
coins smooshed flat by
tons of locomotive steel.
You may be able to say
that a train has never
found it's way into your
city limits, but even if there
are no visual clues for the
human eye to register the
existence of a train's
guiding rails, every stink-
ing town on this planet has
a fat set of tracks running
smack through the middle of it.
These tracks are not limited to a
singular purpose of guiding a train
through its path. They also possess
a secondary purpose as a divider
of social status. The tracks
have two sides,
good
and bad. Each side has its own deal
to be dealt, and I, as well as most of
my friends, drew the low card.
Growing up on the wrong side of
the tracks sure makes life a lot
more interesting. There is no dining
out at four-star restaurants, cruising
around town in a Mercedes Benz or
shopping for matching outfits at
Nordstroms. Instead, you get taken
out in the Delta 88 (no hubcaps) to
eat cheeseburgers on your way to
Goodwill. You find your own good
time, maybe jumping bikes or fuck-
ing around killing frogs with fire-
crackers in a field or hoping the
parentals decide to hook you
up with a shiny new
skateboard.
Even if school does work out for.
one of the knights of the dark side.
the folks could never afford the
$3000 smile required to be prom
king. So you usually wind up forget
ting your locker combination and
ditching school for your best friend's
uncle who buys you beer and lets
you kick back in his garage.
So what if life hasn't been easy? I
would match my flavor to any of
those kids from the upper
side of the tracks
any day
of the week. Right about now their
yuppie ass is adjusting their white
collar, still buzzed from a three mar
tini lunch spent kissing their boss'
ass, looking forward to sitting in
gridlock traffic on the way home,
nine-to-five, five days a week.
And as for my good
buddy Brian
Fer-
dinand, well, can you hear that
sound? It's 3:30 pm and the whistle
is louder than ever. Here
comes the train
bitch!!
Home
SKATEBOARDS
Chad
Fernandez-
amateur-placed highly
in the Nsa amateur series finals
last year. If he rode for someone else,
he would no doubt already have a pro model
out-maybe even two!!
This leads to our next big question? If they haven't entered a
pro contest, why do we call them a pro? If they only land 1 in 1000
tricks, why do we call them a pro? If they are scared to skate a
demo so you can watch them bail, why do we call them a pro? If
the guy at the wood shop makes their shape, someone else
decides whose graphics to copy, and they were created from
video, why do we call them a pro?
If they are not really pro's, why do we
call their decks pro models? If it is not a
pro model-then what is it??*
"Maybe it's all just a joke!!
One good skateboard is worth a
thousand WEAK pro models!
chad fernandez
see no evil
three beings
Uncle Bl
c/o Thrasher, PO Box 884570, SF, CA 94188-4570.
BOMB DROP
Some of my logs float and
some sink. They also tend to stink
Even worse is the fact that my ini-
tial log tends to be over twelve
inches long and four inches wide.
Although they are mushy, these
logs don't go down unless I force
them with my fingers. What can I do
to loosen my bowels. Does it mat-
ter that I'm a girl?
Problem child
Philadelphia, PA
Roughage
and fiber are both
dietary ingredients that
many experts seem to suggest. If
the problem persists, consult a
physician immediately.
TRICK LIST
I've got this three-year-old skate
video that I like to learn tricks from,
but I don't know what half the tricks
are called. Could you describe
madollies, lucifairs and crawdads? I
think they are on my video.
BNK
Dry Ridge, KY
A madollie is a one-footed ollie to
tail, a lucifair cannot be described
and a crawdad is a fresh water
crustacean.
WAIST BAND
My mom won't let me get
baggy pants. I look like a wannabe
skater. I can hardly bend my legs
because my pants are too tight.
Please help me convince my mom to
let me wear bigger pants."
Tight Pants
Whittier, CA
Start eating everything in sight and
you will get hella fat. Then get the
big pants and skate off all the extra
pounds. Problem solved.
KILL SPOT
My friends and I skate at a closed
gas station. If I wax my board and
the curb, the wax comes off in two
minutes. How can I make it stay on?
Bryan
Newport News, VA
Keep riding there, it will get lath-
ered in no time.