THING IS ROLDER NEWS
NE THINGES
GUEST PAG
PRESENTS ROLLING
CRISIS
AT THE
SOUTH SEAS VRAMP
BY: Adam
Hello My Name is Adam Willocage
and I am from Springfield, Pa. And
Imake à zine under the name We
Rolling News, but I change the cover
name every issue. Some of my fast titles
have been Independent Jones", "Spooky boy,
"Batcat", "Iguana, "Dude". Try to get ands of
one of my Zines and write me, that would
be cool
STYLIN
ZINE
also
do part
of Stylin
GET
RAD
TRAP!
HUGE! SWOLLEN! WOBBLY!!...ITS
Zine THINS Dress SkArt Mutis fROM
Presents SKATE MUTIES
the 5th demEnSION
AYOUNG PERSONS
Giude
TO
SKATE COMPS
So it's finally here! It's the BIG DAY at last!"
The Towel PERAMBULATOR tour is in town, you're.
getting a strange bulge in your
ATE FOR
BABY
STREET FISH shorts at the thought of seeing
the rad nanoevres of TONY DORK and you've
polished your wheels for the fiftieth time
this morning. But hold on there! Do you know
how to act in the CORRECT manner? Will you
make a complete "schmuk" of yourself in front
of your heroes?? What if you touch someone'
fondling Minnie Mouse at Disney World
bottom by mistake?! Well young reader, just
for such an occasion, we've come up with a
fool proof guide to being "JOE COOL" at any
skate comp and keep you outta tricky or sex-
ually embarrassing situations.
SHEATH-BURSTING ROMANCE!!!
DO turn up nice and early so you can reserve
a space right next to the ramp (they will
let you do this at most "professional events"
bearded] POSH balloons
DO bring your skateboard. Although you
STURIOUSLY PLUSH
CUSHIONS MY SON
Latex
CUSHIONS
FOAM
HUNDREDS OF SATISFIED
DON'T try to have a friendly and normal
POTENTIAL VICTIMS
CONVERSATION with any "PRO" skaters as they
will turn into a huge multi-tentacled space
alien and bite your private parts off.
insensitively homosexual haircuty
DO shout in appreciation when a skater pulls
off a really "ass kickin" trick. But remember
only words and phrases from an OFFICIAL skate
magazine are allowed.
SKATEBOARDING IS NOT
A CRIME BUT IT SHOULD BE
Mongo
DO push your board right up the nasal passage:
of a pro when you ask him
to sign it and...
DON'T forget to bow your head in reverence
purple banana sick
as professionals expect it from lowly littleg
no-hopers like yourselves.
DON'T ALWAYS BOASTING ABOUT
FOLLOW
ME
YA TRICKS AND STUNTS?
CAMPA
PEDESTRIANS
cannot skate (as you'll be in the presence MUST DIE!
of real experts and therefore look totally.
lame), you will need something to plant your
butt on while you're gawping all afternoon.
DO get mon to clean your fav. skate t-shirt
before you go. As after "PRANCEY MOUNTAIN"
or another "TOP PRO" has autographed it a
you'11 never be able to wash, it
Priest Give us this day our daily bread
in!!)
CAN
FISH DYKES IN SPIKES":
THEN MEET THY DOOM IN DA
ROOM OF GREASED ACCOUNTANTS
t
STINKIN
DO laugh, hudge each other and giggle at the
sight of any female skaters as EVERYONE knows
they can't REALLY skate.
DON'T peel any stickers off the ramp, even if
other kids do. If you do the scissor-man
NO, NOT MEE
YOU'RE THE ONE TON BUZZ will come round to your house in the middle of
DISEASED YOU'RE
THE AIDS VICTIM
People: Oh, and half a dozen eggs and a box of matches please.)
DO take large amounts of cash with you so
that you can buy a lovely t-shirt or what-
ever the "SPONSORS" (the nice men who pay the
skateboarder airfares) are trying to hawk.
This of course is COMPULSORY for under six-,
teen year olds.
DON'T get upset when scruffy, unshaven
whisky-drinking, piano eyes
older skaters laugh at your brand new
STREET CLONE clothes. This is in fact SECRET
skaters code for saying you're "DEF" and
"GNARLY" SES
People who live in glass houses shouldn't have sex on the carpet.
the night and cut off your fingers..
MY MUM AND
DAD WERE
HAVING SEX
DON'T purchase any funny looking
"FANZINES"
off weird looking dudes wth dirty skateboards.
They are not professionally made, don't contain
any nice pictures of your fav. heroes and
are always on about things like drug taking
y have the frail and useless body of a woman,
and other such anti-american activities.
but I can get through sideen bucks a night
DON'T respond in anyway when frantic looking
stewards tell you to "Move your dumb butt so
we can start the comp"
Schoolgirl killed
DO wear waterproof underwear just in case
skinhead lover,
you "lose control" when a big skater does
"BITCHIN" air... And finally....
INSIDE HIS
WEIRD MINDE
DO ask anyone over the age of 18 for stickers.
The likelihood is that they are a WORLD FAMOUS
skateboarder and they of course ALWAYS
carry huge sacks of them.
HORROR OF PARTY
BEACH
DON'T enter any competitions, even if the
organizers say "it's just for a bit of fun",
You COULD win a DECK or something, but your
pals may laugh at you and that's worse than
going to school on a Saturday!! A
SUGDE
BIO BOOBS
Cut off vour nob and post it to yourself
DO kick, maul and dimber your chums in the
sticker "toss". Obviously a small piece of
plastic is worth more than your best friend's
SICK JOKE
Undress he rasped, I wish to spread my Star-spawns
eye.
Happy spectating,
YRS THE MUTIE SQUADRON
MAMMOTH MELONS&
GARGANTUAN GUTS!!
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