Skarfing
Material
with Chef Boy-Am-I-Hungry
e had been married for ten months
and, superficially, my glorious dew-
drop was still glowing, bright as ever.
Unfortunately her satin skin was no
more than a thin veil, beneath which churned
a sea of gritty bitterness. Oh my sweet peach,
why did she have to turn so sour? I had
showered her with gifts, kisses and adula-
tion since the day our paths crossed and, up
until a couple weeks ago, she had appeared
equally as smitten. Every morning our eyes
would lock above our smoothies as we
reveled in the rapturous ebullience of our
budding tryst. Then came the fateful day she
discovered a package of corn nuts in my
glove compartment. My darling Dierdre,
being of tenuous sensitivity, saw my posses-
sion of these petrified nuggets as a direct
insult to her family tradition/biological
necessity to ingest only pre-blended
foodstuffs. I had further aggravated matters
when I confessed to other covert solid food
episodes. My tender snowflake pretty much
summed it all up with her initial response:
"Aaron Frappe, you make me totally ill."
For two weeks I tried in vain to endure her
angry torment and somehow re-weave the
tattered fragments of our togetherness, but
all the passion previously inspired by our
unity now fueled her rancorous reprisal for
my unforgivable deed. I composed long
heartfelt letters, bought her huge bouquets
and a new food processor, cleaned the house
and the rain gutters, but all to no avail. Finally,
one evening as I sat in the breakfast nook
humbly awaiting my meager portion of
borscht (she had reduced my servings, since
I was "obviously finding fulfillment
elsewhere"), she dropped the bomb: "I'm
going to mother's tomorrow, Aaron. I can't
coexist with your nauseating habits, so, as
of now, this marriage is defunct."
I remained in the same chair two days later,
head in hands, paralyzed by shock and
depression. My life was a dismal empty joke
without the sweet nectar of Dierdre's laughter
and the creamy smoothness of her cooking.
As I stared at the caked borscht residue in
the bottom of the bowl, I realized that I hadn't
eaten since my sugar plum slammed the
front door and tore out of the driveway. I
longed for confectionery fulfillment (both
physically and metaphorically), so, with the
42
bowed posture of a broken man, I shuffled
to the store, bought the ingredients, and
cooked a big batch of....
SHATTERED GLASS
½ cup light corn syrup
5 cup water
1 cup sugar
1 drop food coloring
•½ tsp vanilla, peppermint, chocolate or any
other kind of extract
Put the first three ingredients in a medium-
sized pan, stir, and cook. While this hot
sludge is a bubblin', take a cookie sheet with
high edges and grease it till it's slick (spray-
on Pam works best). Use a candy ther-
mometer to tell when the lava reaches
Fahrenheit 290°, then take it off the stove, add
flavoring and food coloring to your liking, and
pour it out onto the cookie sheet. Let it cool,
then splinter, shatter and gnaw it down.
Recipe submitted by Kayla K. Hawkins of
Windsor, CO.
PULVERIZED DESSERT PUFFS
cupcake pan
2 packages crescent roll dough (the kind that
comes in an exploding package)
½ cup granulated sugar
• 2 tbsp. cinnamon
stick butter
⚫
1 bag large marshmallows
½ cup powdered sugar
• 2 tbsp. milk
Use a pot and flame to convert the butter
into its liquid form. Mix the sugar and cin-
namon together in a bowl. Take one marsh-
mallow and dunk it into the melted butter,
making sure it's fully covered, then roll it
around in the cin-sug. Take one crescent roll
strip and stretch it out until it begs for mercy,
then wrap it around a treated mallow. Keep
dunking, rolling and wrapping until all the
crescents are used up, then place one li'l
bundle in each hole of the muffin pan (none
of those lily-livered paper cups needed).
Bake 'em at 375° for about ten minutes until
they're lightly golden. While they're cooking.
mix the milk and powdered sugar into a fairly
runny goop. Brush that on the warm rolls
when you remove them from the oven. When
it dries, there for you will be wonderful cres-
cent puffs to chew. Recipe submitted by Tim
Pogorzala of Corfu, NY.
MERINGUE BLOWOUTS
2 egg whites (room temperature)
½ cup sugar
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1 cup pecan pieces
• 6 oz. package of sweet chocolate chips
Preheat the bake-box to 350°. Beat the
whites till they begin to stiffen, then beat in
the sugar a little bit at a time until the fluff
is stiff and glossy. Fold in the vanilla, pecans
and chocolate chips, then drop teaspoonfuls
of the cloud-like substance onto cookie
sheets lined with foil (shiny side up). Slide
'em into the oven, shut the oven off and aban-
don those suckers all night long. Wake up
in the morning, brew a fat mug of Joe and
mow your blowouts (or store them in an air-
tight container, or put them in individual
plastic baggies and sell them at garage sales
for 25 cents each). Recipe submitted by Col-
in Roberts of Fullerton, CA.
URTON
CHAMPION
HALF WORLD PIPE
URRENT
CRAIG
NEW BURTON
CPEY
IDEO
CHILL
SEPTEMBER 15
□ KARL WEATHERLY
NEVER SAID I WAS GOING TO WIN THE HALFPIPE
BURTON
NOWBOARDS
AT WINNING IT AS ME