Gulf
Skarfing
Material
with Chef-Boy-Am--Hungry
Mobil
SHELL
his twenty years of rig pulling. Mack
Valdiz had run some cruddy jobs, but this one
really took the proverbial cake. He was tow
ing a full-up double tank load to a Forest
Service re-fueling station somewhere north
of the Modoc Plateau-no big deal in itself
except the fog was thick as blow-by, the road
was rougher than a pack of bikers and Mack
had slugged down about three too many
Millers back at the Nite Lite Truk Stop. The
cab was rattling so bad he couldn't hear the
CB, let alone read a map, but Mack kept the
hammer down anyway-the tree jockeys had
to get gas ASAP or they wouldn't be mobile
when the next blaze broke out. It was the
peak of fire season, and this was some
serious business. So serious, in fact, that it
filled Mack's already cloudy mind and he
didn't notice the frozen doe staring straight
into his headlights.
Wham! Mack's head snapped back
against the rear window and the wheel jerked
hard to the right. He spun it back the other
way, but thirty tons of steel and gas were
already screaming straight for the scrub pine
embankment. Branches snapped and whip
ped the cab, the craggy hillside rushed up
to meet him, and Mack dove for the floor.
Whump! The whole rig plowed into the raised
rocky earth and the stench of gas filled the
air. Mack, bruised but still mobile, dragged
himself out of the twisted metal carcass and
sprinted like a wet cat for the ditch on the
other side of the road. He knew the whole
shebang was going to blow any second and
he'd be a briquette if he didn't haul tail. He
hit the ditch at high speed, dove straight to
the bottom, and BAWHOOOOM! Everything
turned bright white and a wave of thick heat
shoved Mack's face into the dirt...
Mack swigged a Miller and eyed the crim-
son horizon through the grimy window of the
Nite Lite. Damn. Over 400,000 acres of forest
were already torched and there was nothing
anyone could do about it. Crews were on
44
their way
from all over
California and
Oregon, but the
closest USFS station,
the one Mack had been towing his load to,
was fifty miles behind the lines and immobile
because they had no gas. Mack shook his
sooty head and stared into his bottle. He
hadn't just screwed the pooch here, he'd bug-
gered the whole damn litter. "Mack," Dixie's
voice cut through the haze of hops and self-
pity, "you got a call from Blake Conchiss. You
wanna take it at the bar?" Great. Stone Heart
himself. "Uh, yeah, this is Mack Valdiz."
Conchiss' growl spawned visions of the
unemployment line in Mack's mind. "Valdiz,
what the hell happened out there? I want you
in Redding by Monday with a full report.
You're in deep. pal. We had to promise the
Forest Service two extra tanks and a
truckload of Pulaskis as soon as the roads.
are clear, and that's the good news. That bad
news is you ruined one of our best tanker
rigs, and, unless we can sue the state for
replacement costs, you're up crap creek pal."
The line went dead and so did Mack's in-
sides. Even if the company won the lawsuit,
he'd never get more than a short-hop job.
again. For all intents and purposes, Mack
Valdiz was no longer a trucker. He sucked
down the last of his bottle and flagged Dixie.
"Hey Dix, gimme two more Millers, a double
J.D. and some of them...
REFRIED BEAN BRAINS
⚫3 cans refried beans 1 can pineapple
10 slices Swiss cheese 2 cups water
1 can tomato sauce peppa
Dump the beans in a bowl, then add the
pineapple and cheese. When this looks
putrid enough, add the water and tomato
sauce (peppa is optional). Dump it all in a
pot and stoke the fire high till the mixture
PETRO-CANADA
TEXACO
BP
SUNOCO
EXON
JD89
starts bubbling, then pour it into three bowls
(for you and your two best buddies). Eat it.
enjoy it, deal with it. Recipe submitted by
Steve, Dazed on Beans.
TOXY-BEAN SURPRISE
1 can porky beans
1 squirt each K & M 1 tsp Tabasco
tortilla chips
½ cup finely chopped onions
• ¼ cup chopped pickles
¼ cup Mexican-style hot Cheez Whiz
% cup chopped green pepper
Mix beans, ketchup, mustard, onions,
Tabasco and pickles in a nukeable bowl.
Heat the Cheez Whiz while you completely
cover the beans with crushed tortilla chips.
Snow down the green pepper then pour on
the Whiz. Nuke for five minutes then skarly-
doo. Recipe submitted by Corey Gibson of
Rock Springs, WY
BIZOTIC BOOLY BOOLY BEANARENO
•1 can Progresso black beans
34 cup of your favorite cheese, grated
fresh basil black peppe
1 chopped tomato
Drain about half the juice from the beans
and dump them into a pot. Flame on. As they
begin to bubble, add the cheese, basil and
peppa, stirring until everything goopifies.
Dump it all into a bowl, grate some more
queso on top, and throw it down. Recipe sub-
mitted by King Klindtster of San Francisco.
BREAK WIND
Beat the breezy chills with modern fashion's
hippest, most functional item: the Skarfing
Material Festival of Muck T-shirt. Simply
send $13.45 (postage and handling included)
to Muck T, Thrasher, PO Box 884570, San
Francisco, CA 94188-4570.
CHINK-
CHUNK
CHINK.
CHINK
VISTON