The domain of skatedom is not the only habitat of the
snake. They're everywhere. They cut you off on the high-
way. They jump in front of you in line at the cafeteria.
They flatter your best girl with cool words and flowers.
and take her to the drive-in for a saucy double feature.
But of all their rotten, shifty, despicable schemes, nothing
hurts worse than when some sucker thieves your slot
at the local halfpipe.
Now more than ever it is important for 'thane brains
everywhere to recognize the different varieties of reptile
in the skateboard environment. Their numbers are on
the rise, and they wear many disguises. Thus we have
compiled a list of some of the more common sub-species
of snake yurridus and a few of their reptilian relatives.
Also included are antidotes to counteract their vicious
venoms. Study it well, my children. The ride you save
may be your own.
The Garden Snake
Habitat: Here and there Size: Variable
Description: Sometimes known as "the snake who cries wolf, this is definitely
one of the more sneaky snakes. In order to take a ride, this snake might say.
something like, "Whew, check out that prime Betty over there by the garden."
Then, while everybody else turns around to look, it'll roll right in.
The most efficient way of handling this type of snake is to put the shoe on
its other foot. One can quickly gain the upper hand in this situation by countering
its lines with the warning. "Duck dude! Incoming board!"
The Two-Headed Snake
Habitat: Crowded sessions Size: Two times the size of an average skater
Description: This cunning reptile has the remarkable ability to be in two places
at once. Even with two different bodies riding two different boards, both halves
have the same plan. Usually, one blocks while the other drops, and then they
switch.
It is often tough to beat this talented tandem snake. The best rule of thumb
is to ignore the Two-Headed Snake in its entirety and cut them both off.
The Rattlesnake
Habitat: Popular urban skateboard parks and mini-ramps Size: Small to
utterly ignorable
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Description: These suburban snakes subscribe to a stated order. The most
popular is the "Going" variety. It always screeches "Going!" before it attempts
to attack the ramp. Its bite is hardly dangerous but its relentless screechings
can ruin an otherwise peaceful session.
Another common variety is the "Next Rattler," which hisses "Next" when
it plans to follow another rider's turn. The antidote for its behavior is to simply
say, "Wrong," and roll right in front of it.
The Pissed-Off Python
Habitat: Anywhere tempers flare Size: Bigger than you
Description: These snakes are loud. rude and obnoxious. They fling their
board every time they fall and shout obscenities into the wind. They are usually
tough and intimidating, but can be easily outsmarted. Typically, they will slam
their board down onto the coping and glare grimly at anyone else who even
looks like they are thinking about going.
To avoid confrontation, it is best to tail drop when the Pissed Off Python
is busy bashing a board after a harsh fall.
The Anarchist Anaconda
Habitat: Anywhere it wants
Size: Variable
Description: This snake shows an utter disregard for rules and regulations.
In fact, the more rules that are made to restrain other skaters, the more this
snake will prosper Where others obey rules such as: wait in line, take a number
one person on the ramp at a time, etc., this snake will ignore said rules and
romp about rowdily until somebody in authority attempts to stop it. This snake
often pretends to comply with the aforementioned rules until the very instant
the coast is clear.
When dealing with this type of snake, it is best to remember that age old
proverb. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
The Go-For Snake
Habitat: Harsh terrain Size: Big enough
Description: This snake has gonads. It doesn't matter who's on the ramp
or how long they've been riding. When the Go-For Snake is ready, it goes for
it. Many harsh and horrible collisions can be attributed to this snake's foolhardy
antics. Generally the smart skater will simply bail and allow the Go-For to take
its ride
The Blind Snake
Habitat: Ramps Size: Variable
Description: The name of this snake is misleading. It only pretends to bet
blind. In reality, it can see as well as anyone. By acting like it doesn't notice.
that somebody else is next in line, the Blind Snake gets as many rides as it wants
It is usually best to alert this snake to what's up by shouting. "Look out,
you homeowner, here I come!" After all, it only claims to be blind, not deaf.
The Dinosaur
Habitat: Cement ponds Size: Big
Description: The Dinosaur is the granddaddy of all species of snake and
reptile. Its runs harken back to more stylish years when speed was king and
flash was trash. No, the Dinosaur is not a "seventies-style skater" its moves
are timeless. They are as old as the hills and as ancient as the wheel, but
they contain the unspoken flow that is the essence of
skateboarding.
The Dinosaur has seen all the gimmicks and
it knows all the games. The best thing
any fledgling snake can do when
contronted with the
Dinosaur is to simply sit
back and take notes
The Toad
Habitat: The rollout deck Size: A tad overweight
Description: Although not a reptile per se, the Toad is an animal that gets
in the way. It looks like a skater and all, but it doesn't skate. No, it just sits
there on top of the deck blocking your line. What's worse is that the Toad is
amphibious, which means not only does it pretend to skate, it also pretends
to surf.
The Iguanabee
Habitat: Skate shop Size: Growing
Description: It's easy to miss this reptile in a skateboard store because it
blends in so well with the clothes racks. No, it doesn't ride, but it listens, and
learns. Give it time and soon enough it'll be shredding vert. All of the great
snakes and skaters started out as Iguanabees.
You can ignore the Toad, but it won't go away. The tiresome Toad is the The Boring Boa
reason they invented the saying. "Skate tough or go home."
Daddy's Boy Diamondback
Habitat: Daddy's house Size: Puny to scrawny
Description: It is relatively easy to spot these snakes; simply keep on the
lookout for spoiled rotten little brats that cry and/or pout for no apparent reason.
There is usually a ramp in their backyard that is only skateable when the Daddy's
Boy Diamondback is in a good mood. Warning: The smallest thing will set
them screaming some horrible fabrication to Daddy that will get you booted
off the premises for life.
Habitat: Mostly ramps Size: Long and skinny
Description: Boas are best known for the way they squeeze every last drop
of juice out of each turn. These snakes just won't quit, and they won't fall.
They'll go back and forth for hours, either until the sun goes down or it's time
to go to the bathroom. An average Boa ride strangles any chance for the other
skaters to take a run for a long time.
A good idea in dealing with this
snake is to invite it over toward the
end of the session, when everyone
else is tired. This way they can rest
The best antidote for this species of snake is to just plain avoid their ramps. and unwind while the Boa rides.
It ain't worth the hassle.
The King Cobra
Habitat: Royal vert Size: King size (ego-wise)
Description: This snake is king of all it surveys. At least it thinks it is. There
ain't no peon nowhere who is good enough to take a ride when its royal majesty
feels like doing its stuff. The King Cobra is a darn good skater, but it knows
it. The best way to show it up is to not carry any attitude at all and rip it to
the utmost of your abilities.
The Tattlesnake
Habitat: Anywhere safe Size: Small and large-the smaller ones tell their
parents, the larger ones tell the police
Description: Of all the snakes known to skaterkind, these wimpy varmints
are among the lowest. In some states, they are known as the "Judas Snakes"
These worthless cretins can never seem to muster enough courage to con-
front their prey face to face. Instead they wait until the victim's back is turned.
then they run and tell someone who will come and bust the scene.
The most effective method of dealing with these chicken-livered scoundrels
is to recognize them for what they are. Then, simply taunt them with
schoolboy rhymes such as. "Nah nah nah nah, tattle tale, tattle snake,
nah nah nah nah."
The Echo Gecko
Habitat: Wherever Size: Whatever
Description: This leaping lizard is a clear
ut copy cat. Whatever you can do, it thinks
it can do better. Pull a three-foot backside air
it'll shoot for four. Stall a Smith grind for ten
seconds, the Gecko will hold its for more.
One particularly effective, though not always desirable
mode of dealing with the Echo Gecko is to commit a harsh
bail that sprains your ankle. This in turn will cause it to flail yet
a harsher one that breaks its leg.
The Slamamander
Habitat: Hospitals Size: Too small
Description: The Slamamander is indeed a sorry and pitiful creature.
Scaly scabs are its best friend. The Slamamander doesn't just beef, it
hamburgers. Its runs are not for the weak of heart. Its bone-crushing crashes
and blood red gashes are enough to make even the most hardcore skate rat
wince with sympathy
There ain't nothing you can do to avoid this creature without hurting its feel-
ings, which are probably the only things it has left. Just have the ambulance
standing by
Remember, snakes can only succeed if you let them. Protect
your right to ride. Stand up and drop in. Don't let a slimy snake
take your turn. Defend your turf. Snake them first.
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