Skarfing
Material
With Chef-Boy-Am-I-Hungry
GHOULISH GOOP
K
eep them shut. Just keep them
shut and everything will be all
right. It's in the room. I can hear
its dry breath whispering in the
still, stale air. I try to keep my breathing even.
If it thinks I'm asleep, it might leave me alone.
I clamp my lids tighter and hope... What
was that? Something tugged at the bottom
of my blanket. My heart sprints uncon-
trollably, forcing sweat out of my palms. Don't
open them. Don't move. I'm writhing like a
fish underneath my skin, but I can't let it
know. I've never seen it, but I'm sure it feeds
on terror. It rustles and tugs my blanket again.
It can smell my engorged adrenal gland, it
can hear my thundering heart, it can... Ow!
It bit me. Oh my god, it bit my toe. It's going
to kill me. It has teeth like broken glass, I just
know it. It's going to bite through my thin skin
and gnaw on my ribs. It's breathing faster
now, a hollow, grunting scrape. I pull my legs
up and grab my knees. My toe stings and
I want to see if it's bleeding, but I can't open
my eyes. If I do, it will see them and gouge
them out and swallow them whole. Then it
will suck my brains out through my eye
socket and dance my face into a pulpy stew.
The foot of my bed sinks as it sits down. My
body is rigid, practically paralyzed, but it's
time to act. Go! Something hot and wet, prob-
ably his tongue, grazes my ankle as I roll out
of bed and dive for the light switch. I can...
Aiiiee! I'm only a foot from the wall, but his
claw digs an inch into my shoulder and stops
me dead in my tracks. Quivering with pain,
I realize there's no hope. I should turn to meet
my fate head on, but the talons in my trap-
ezius prevent me from doing so. I wince in
anticipation of the final blow, but instead of
severing my brain cord, it speaks. "Trick or
treat, mate."
"T-trick or treat? W-what do you mean?"
I'm utterly confused.
"I mean I've been dead for two hundred
years and I'm bloody hungry, you twit. I could
36
just devour your soul whole, but I'd much
prefer a snack from your kitchen. Humans
are so tough and bitter, you know." My legs
almost give way as it pulls its claw out of my
shoulder, but I remain standing, fortified by
the knowledge that I'm not going to die. If
food is what it wants, food is what it will get.
I limp into the kitchen and whip up some..
PHREAD WEDGE FISH TOMB
.1 flour tortilla
⚫ mayonnaise
Wisconsin Jack cheese
sardines embalmed in mustard
1 tomato, sliced
hot sauce
⚫ sour cream
Slap a strip of mayo on the tort. Then grate
down a bunch of the Jack. Add at least five
sardines and cover them with tomato slices.
Nuke the whole shebang for about 45
seconds, add all the hot sauce and sour
cream you desire, then lay it to rest in your
belly. (Recipe submitted by Phread Conrad
of San Diego, CA.)
ECTOPLASMIC ALMOND CREAM
⚫1 envelope unflavored gelatin
½ cup water
1½ cup cream
½ cup sugar
- 2 eggs
½ tsp. almond extract
1 tsp. Amaretto
Combine the gelatin and water over
medium heat in a saucepan. Heat 'em until
the gelatin is dissolved, then let the goop
stand till it's lukewarm. Beat the hell out of
everything else in a blender for about two
minutes. Gradually pour the gelatin into the
blender until it all becomes as one. Divide
the resulting ectoplasm into separate dishes
and give it the cryogenic treatment in your
fridge. Whip some extra cream with sugar
or slice some almonds for dandy garnishes,
and you're ready to slurp it. (Recipe sub-
mitted by Paul Taty of E-Town, PA.)
VERSATILE SLOP FROM HELL
• 1 cup rice
3 cups water
1 cup picante sauce
1 avocado
⚫ sour cream
⚫ paprika
Combine the rice and the water in a fairly
deep pot over high heat with the pot lid on.
When that business comes to a boil, turn the
heat down to medium/low, move the lid off
center (so that there is about half an inch of
space for steam to exit through), and let it
simmer. Keep an eye on the pot because the
rice will probably boil over a couple times.
When this happens, just take the lid off for
a few seconds and blow on the bubbles to
make them subside. Meanwhile, skin the
avocado and pulverize it in a bowl with the
picante and a couple tablespoons of sour
cream. When no more water is bubbling up
in the rice and it looks nice and fluffy, remove
it from the heat. Add the mutant guacamole,
about half a teaspoon of paprika and as
much sour cream as you want. Mix it all up
and serve it on bread, tortillas, chips or
straight from the bowl. (Recipe submitted by
Devin Thamer of Wurzburg, West Germany.)
BOO!
Are you haunted by an ancient, terrifying
wardrobe? Do your friends scream every
time you come near them? If so, then it's time
for you to gain instant popularity with the
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COME
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I-Hungry has created a
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believed. Simply send $12.45 to
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Francisco, CA, 94188-4570.
AND
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Schmin
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YOU BE LOOKING OUT FOR IT, A MUST
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LOOKING OUT FOR ME TOO, CAUSE I'M
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Tak