don't even skate!" (Cut
overhead mike!!!)
"Yes, well in a unique ap-
proach (cut to 1A: diagram
and pointer), the skater will
ride down this mountain in a
twenty-six foot diameter ce-
ment aqueduct pipeline. (cut to
4: lit interior of pipeline) The
pipe drops down the side of the
mountain at a steep angle (cut to
1A: map. Cut to 2: external shot
of pipeline) eventually reaching
the valley below where it forms a
U-shaped canal. Suddenly, Biff
was interested again-it did come
out into flatwall and a half-pipe. (Cut
to 1: announcer) "The skater will
enter this intermediate room (cut to
1A: diagram), which will be sealed
off and pumped out, enabling the
skater to enter the main tunnel which
has already been pumped to vacuum.
In a vacuum, the skater will be able to
go faster than previously imaginable..
(Cut to 3: skater preps) "The skater
is donning an oxygen-equipped speed ski-
ing helmet and a pressurized speed suit
for the attempt. It contains more than
enough oxygen, plus a backup supply, to
make the run. Hello, Mr. Faize. (bring up
microphone in "intermediate" room) Are
you ready?" Red Faize smiles and waves.
Biff Burly doesn't catch the smile through the
helmet. All he and Bitch Thurlson see in the
monitor is what appears to be a brightly col-
ored man-lizard. "As you can see (cut to 4:
entrance, large guillotine-looking valve) the
skater has entered the intermediate room (bring
up microphone in "intermediate" room for
sound of catch valve closing and add reverb).
which will be pumped down to vacuum so the
skater can enter the main tunnel."
Unbeknownst to the athletic shoe company, the
engineers and technicians and the gymnast/skater,
there was already a skater in the tunnel, high above
the gymnast/skater in a connecting tunnel. This
"other" skater, the original skater, had been inside
the tunnel since before they sealed and pumped down
the main cavity. For nearly twenty-six hours this
skater had waited for the clanging of that gate valve
below. Several large oxygen tanks, and a small amount
of food and water were in this higher perch. It was time
to switch off the tank supply of oxygen and turn on the
oxygen supply in the helmet for the run. The skater
would wait until the gymnast/skater started his run before
pushing off so the speed sensors would be activated.
There were two ways to get past the lower tunnel open-
ing that the gymnast/skater was using, carve or jump. What
the hell, jump it. The gymnast/skater would have to be
36
passed somewhere down the mountain. Oh well,
deal with that when the time comes. Looking down
the dark tunnel and the dimly lit lower entryway
where the gymnast/skater would start his run.
reminded the skater of a quote by Friedrich Nietz-
sche: "When you look into the abyss, the abyss looks
into you." Oddly enough, the skater had discovered
the quote in a Stephen King book..
(Cut to 1: announcer) "The skater is now (cut to
4: entrance) entering the main tunnel and making his
way to the takeoff point. (Cut to 5: takeoff point). It
appears he's ready to go." In the studio, Biff Burly was
on the edge of his seat. Gymnast or not, this would be
one hell of a ride down the side of the mountain.
The other skater waited high above the gymnast/skater's
takeoff point. The gymnast/skater and the skater above
were almost identically dressed-speed skiing helmets,
speed suits, and high top leather shoes. The only difference
was that the "outlaw" skater shunned the athletic shoe brand
that sponsored the gymnast/skater, didn't wear bright col-
ors and wore webbed surfing gloves that would form a
ducktail when the skater dropped into the Hut Tuck (named
after John Hutson and first introduced by Dennis Shufeldt).
Peering over the edge, down the dark tunnel, it seemed like
an eternity to the skater before....
(Hold on 5: takeoff point) "The skater is making one last
check of his special high speed skateboard and...he's off!"
Everyone's eyes were on the monitors. Unknown to all, the other
skater had taken off high above the gymnast/skater at just about
the same time. By this time, all eyes were on monitor #6, the
midway camera, and no one noticed monitor #5 (lower takeoff
point), which clearly showed another skater doing a 65mph indy
air over the lower entrance-covering a good 75 to 100 yards.
Inside the tunnel it was hard to tell how fast you were really
going. There was no reference. No seams with the tell-tale clack
clack, no trees whizzing by...no sound...nothing-just speed!
Camera #6, midway, was critical for the gymnast/skater, because
there was a slight turn. The engineers were worried enough about
it that they painted a line for the gymnast/skater to follow through
the turn. After all, he couldn't be expected to know or learn how to
carve. Some of the "best" skaters can't carve, so how could they ex-
pect a gymnast to pick it up. So there was Bitch Thorlson reporting
to the world that the gymnast/skater was successfully negotiating the
turn at the midway point when, out of the black, high and tight at ten
o'clock, someone or something blew right past him.
"Jesus-what was that?" said the producer to the engineer, who was
already playing it back. But whatever it was, it was so fast they couldn't
tell what it was. (Cut to 7: three-quarter point). Again they couldn't tell
who or what it was, and then came their gymnast/skater at what seemed
like an eternity later. Bitch Thorfson was dumbfounded. They could always
edit his "live" commentary in later. "Looks like your boy just got snuffed,"
was the last thing Biff Burly ever said to Bitch Thorfson.
(Cut to 8: finish) Again, whomever or whatever it was, it was way too
fast to capture on video. One of the engineers, on his own, linked the high
speed strobe camera to his IBM PC and punched up a picture of the outlaw
speed skater. Biff Burly walked out of the studio and was leaving the station
through the control room when he pointed at the display on the PC across
the room and exclaimed "It's a chick!"
Before any of the cable people or the sponsor even thought of covering it
up, the picture went out on every wire service with the caption "It's a chick!"
Inside the tunnel
it was hard to
tell how fast you
were really
going. There was
no reference; no
seams with the
tell-tale clack
clack, no trees
whizzing by, no
sound...nothing
-just speed!
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