That's board to board by the way.
High jumping, over the cross-
bar-the board goes under-isn't
even done anymore. It was a stan-
dard feature at all the "old" contests.
Tom Sims was the early guy (Ist
world record at 48") then Bob Mohr.
Ernie Martin from the East Coast, and
some guy (Brian Beardsley) riding for
Ty Page. No, high jumping was out!
They ought to establish a world record
for ollies and settle it once and for all!
Flat ground, a cross-bar that would fall if
hit, and exactmeasurements. Maybe hang
a cloth off the bar because, mentally, it
would be easier to ollie over something you
couldn't see beneath. Nope, even ollicing was
out; there was no official record. And besides,
with Natas, Gonz and even some of the little
kids around, the skater had no chance. The
ollies skaters pull off today are sick-fire hy-
drants, shopping carts, picnic tables, railings....
Spinning consecutive 360's was a recorded
event at one point. People you've never heard of,
like Bob Jarvis, were good at it; pushing the number
into the teens. Santa Monican Paul Hoffman matched
Jarvis' backside tail spins, on the nose, pushing the
number of 360's into the 20's and 30's. Oh, yeah.
we're talking one board here-the two board "daffy"
stuff Steve Cathey did doesn't count. Sorry. Mr. "Red-
face" freestyle himself, Russ Howell, broke it above 60.
One of the last guys was Richie Carrasco. He nailed close
to 100! And certainly not least. Rodney Mullen can spin
so many he once got a nose bleed from it. No. 360's were
out. The skater was going to die anyway, so it had to be
something that would really "put the fear of Lincoln in you."
not just make you dizzy and/or blow chunks.
The fastest skater alive sounded like the one to go for. Even
if it would be "short-lived." as they say. A short, steep hill
would be the ideal set-up, because the skater would not have
to hold a tuck for very long. As in downhill skiing, wind
resistance would prove to be the big enemy, but some innovative
thinking, and some money (from a sponsor perhaps) would get
the job done. The skater would train, research, formulate a plan
and achieve a speed on a skate no one could ever touch. Now, the
"existence theorem" states that once something is proven possible.
others will do it too. So what! To be the fastest skater alive-even
for a moment-would be enough.
A letter from the skater, posing as a civil engineering student, pro-
vided the plans to the new aqueduct running over the mountains. Several
sections were suitable, but one was perfect. A twenty-six foot diameter
concrete tube, running down the side of a mountain, that, most impor-
tantly, could be closed off at both ends. A pressurized speed suit and
"Darth Vader" (Trouthead) speed skiing helmet (fitted with oxygen) were
in order to cut remaining air resistance, but the most important thing would
be to suck all the air (or at least most of it!) out of the tube with pumps
to increase speed. A feather falls as fast as a brick in a vacuum-that goes
all the way back to Newton and his apple. Without the oxygen in the helmet
the skater would suffocate, but with most of the air removed from the pipeline.
the skater would go faster. Way, way faster.
54
Unfortunately, when the skater approached a sponsor (an athletic shoe com-
pany), the company found out about the skater's terminal illness and dropped
the skater. They went ahead with the project, though. The project had gained.
a lot of attention and the company needed someone, alive, who could make
appearances and promote the company. So the company hired a gymnast to
shoot the hill. The engineers, retained by the company to pull the project
off, assured all concerned that it was possible, indeed probable, that the gym-
nast would be successful, even though he had never skated in his life. Well,
that's not entirely true; he had a skateboard when he was a kid, but it didn't
make him a skater. We all know it takes a lot more than having a skateboard
to be a skater. There are skaters who don't have boards. Sounds strange,
but they are out there to balance out the people with boards who aren't
skaters. The gymnast was put into training under the engineers' direc-
tion while the pipeline was prepped. The vacuum pumps were put into
place, and sensors were installed to detect the exact speed attained.
Cameras were also installed, at various points, to capture the record-
breaking run.
A major TV/cable sports network got wind of the attempt for the
skateboard world speed record, so they planned to record/broad-
cast it live via video and high speed strobe cameras (a "dog's eye"
view) mounted inside the pipeline.
(Camera one ready) (IA and IB on standby) (Cut to one: an-
nouncer) "Hello folks, this is Bitch Thorfson (ex-sports figure
who was never really all that good) for 3-insignificant-initials
cable sports network. Today, we have a rare treat for you. A
very exotic attempt at the skateboarding world speed record.
Stand-up, of course."
(Cut to three: gymnast/"skater" prepping for attempt) (Cut
to 1B: roll credits) Behind the opening credits is footage of
various athletes slamming interspersed with other "great
moments" in sports-all set to a nifty synthesizer ditty.
During the opening, the producer and engineer in the
control room could relax a bit and chat. Producer: "You
know I got my kid a skateboard for his birthday last
month. It's got a damned dragon snake on it or
something!" Engineer: "I can imagine. I actually saw
one with an army medic corpse holding a soldier's head
in one hand." Producer: "Sick!" Engineer: "Yup!"
After the opening credits came commercials. The
first commercial was at least appropriate. It was a
resurrected Hostess ad showing Brad Bowman
doing a stylish backside footplant in a blue-tiled
pool. The next commercial was skating raisins,
Following that, and in every subsequent commer-
cial break, was the ad for the athletic shoe com-
pany that was bankrolling the whole shebang.
A glimpse of an express delivery truck going
off the end of a pier into the ocean and....
(Cut to one: announcer) "Hello again
ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls. With me
in the studio today is Biff Burly, world
champion skateboarder."
"Does this pipe come out into flatwall
or what?"
"Ah, yes, well Mr. Burly, as you can
see (cut to 3: skater preps) our brave
gymnast, Mr. Red Faize is suiting up
for the attempt."
Off camera Biff is astonished:
"What do you mean? This kook.
The skater was
going to die
anyway, so it
had to be
something that
would really
"put the fear of
Lincoln in you,"
not just make
you dizzy
and/or blow
chunks.