HELL TOUR
From page 30) baby?" She looks and sees the baby.
in Marty's arms, runs over to him, grabs the baby
and walks away. "No need to thank us ma'am. It's
our job," Lucero yells.
Drowning babies isn't a job; it's a crime.
The day gets worse. After watching a kid per-
form a sacrilege by doing a streetplant in one of
the world's best ditches, we head for the demo.
When we get to the demo, we are harrassed for
sins ranging from not wanting to "get wasted out
of our skulls" to not wanting to ride a seven-foot
quarter-pipe that slides two feet when you hit it.
Now comes the fun part. After the demo has been
going for only five minutes, it starts to rain. Next,
the police show up and tell everyone to leave. What
else can go wrong? Rocco calls the next shop in
Albuquerque, and they tell us not to bother com-
ing. As a penalty for all of the aforementioned,
Rocco is sentenced to driving from El Paso to
Dallas, all seven-hundred miles, by himself.
Day 8, Dallas, TX
After picking Lucero and Jinx up from the air-
port, we check into a hotel and go skating
downtown. There we are attacked from the skyline
by high powered staple guns. White flags ablaze,
we head back to our hotel.
Day 9, Dallas, TX, "The Clown Ramp"
Skatetime Skate Shop, home of the Clown
Ramp, Jeff Phillips and our new hero, Melvin
Milton, the owner of Skatetime. We do a demo hero
for about forty kids. Afterward we hand out promo
items, most of which were supplied by Melvin to
all the hungry tikes, and then watch Phillips tear
the ramp apart. He rides for over half an hour
without missing a trick. Then he hops on Rocco's
board and invents ten new street maneuvers right
before our eyes. Jeff Phillips is Lord and Master
of his home turf. Note: Melvin is to be commended
for his generosity, which was above and beyond
anything we'd seen so far.
Day 11, Houston, "A Tale Of Two Chicks"
The demos are getting smaller. About 30 people
show up for this one. Nothing exceptional happens
here, so now would be a good time to talk about
some of the bad things we've noticed about a lot
of you kids out there. You know who you are.
Bad Thing 1: "Do a rocket air," "Do a McTwist."
Look, I know this sounds hard to believe, but not
everyone does or has the desire to do these tricks.
Try to appreciate each skater for what he does,
not what he doesn't do.
Bad Thing 2: "Gimme, gimme, gimme." Stop
begging for everything. If you spent half as much
time skating as you do begging, you'd have.
something more valuable than a bunch of stickers.
Now back to our story. After the demo we
return to our hotel. Chick #1, N.E., stops by with
food and beverages for all. Rocco and Jinx then
decide that they would like to skate downtown
Houston. Chick #1 drives them downtown and
shows them every good spot there is. They skate
all night. Thanks, N.E.
Chick #2, Jennifer, drives a brand new gold Fiero
with a stick shift. She saw Lucero at the demo and
now wants to get to know him. She stops by the
hotel to take him out. It's 10 p.m. They go to a
bunch of parties, where she gets progressively
drunker. At 4 a.m. she gets out of the car and
throws up. At 5 a.m. she passes out. By 5:15 a.m.
Lucero has realized that he is stranded in the mid-
dle of suburbia. Four miles of walking later, he finds
a pay phone. At this point it occurs to him that he
82
has no money to call anyone. At 6:30a.m., a large
black man gives him a quarter. Lucero calls Rocco
"Sure, I'll come get you. Where are you?"
"I don't know."
"Look at the address on the pay phone."
"Someone ripped it off." Rocco giggles slightly
as he hangs up the phone. At 8:30a.m. Lucero
wanders in. Moral of the story: learn to drive a stick
shift.
Day 12, New Orleans, "Welcome back, John"
After picking up Grigley at the airport, we meet
Chip, the owner of Windsurf New Orleans, at the
hotel. After handing us $100, he hops back on his
'67 Harley and speeds away. Chip is our kind of
shop owner.
Day 13, Nightmare on Elm St. Part IV
We show up at the shop for an autograph ses-
sion. Chip takes us out to eat. "Po-boys for
everyone," is the order of the day. While enjoying
our fine meal, someone breaks into the van and
steals all of our stuff. A massive manhunt is
launched, but to no avail.
The rival shop owner, Royce Joyce, has invited
us to her house for a Cajun barbeque. She pro-
mises lots of food, beer and chicks. When we ar-
rive only two of the three are present. She then
puts on a display of courage by biting the heads
off of some slimy little creatures from some lagoon.
Hours later the chicks arrive. How many? Just
enough to make the word chick plural. They pro-
ceed to take us to the worst club ever Marty, Lucero
and Grigley escape back to the hotel with Mr. Cow,"
whom they swindled away from a small child.
Rocco is left with one of the chicks. Things look
good until Rocco discovers that her idea of a good
time is driving from bar to bar until you die in a
car crash. Rocco opts for a taxi ride back to the
hotel. So, boys and girls, what did we learn from
this situation? Well, let's just say that there really
is no such thing as a free meal.
Day 15, Marty Goes Home
Day 16, Atlanta, GA-'Mr. Cow vs. Grigley"
Mr. Cow drops into the jump ramp, takes three
steps, falls, rolls to the bottom and then gets up
and walks away. Grigley attempts to fly from one
jump ramp to the other. After making jumps with
the ramps more than 10' apart, Grigley looks like
the winner. But as luck would have it, on his last
run Grigley goes too high and smashes right
through the landing ramp, breaking his wrist.
1st place, Mr. Cow. 2nd place, Grigley.
Day 19, Raliegh, North Carolina
Lucero gets hurt. Grigley, who's already hurt.
gets hurt some more. "The jig's up, Roc," Lucero
says. "End of the line," says Grigley. "The boys
are going home," they sing in unison. Child.
psychology must now be used. "Chicks will be
waiting for you guys in Virginia Beach."
Six hours later we arrive in Virginia Beach. The
swindle meter beeps when the guy at the front
desk asks Rocco for $5, "What? The room's
already paid for Rocco explains. "Room key tax,"
he says. When we got to our room, we call for a
roll-away bed. The meter goes off again when the
guy wants $4 for the bed. When the bed arrives
the guy says, "$5, please." "I thought you said
$4," Grigley yells. The man replies, "Bed tax." The
swindle meter blares all night.
Day 20, Virginia Beach, VA
We do a demo for Wave Riding Vehicles. They
have a 16'-long quarter-pipe complete with metal
coping, roll-out area, and a slanted backside.
Almost all of the fifty or so people there are skating.
It's like a small party. Three hours later we shake
a few hands, say some good-byes and hit the road.
Day 21, Philadelphia, PA-Spike's
We arrive at our nation's birthplace at 2:00a.m.
After spending about an hour on the side of town
not listed in the tourist brochures, we make our
way to the Liberty Bell and Ben Franklin's grave,
site. There we find Spike wandering down the
street. He pulls a giant wad of money from his
pocket and takes Grigley and Lucero to a bar to
spend it all.
The demo goes really well. It's held in a park
down the street with over 1,000 people in attend-
ance. Everyone has a good time. Special thanks
go out to Mr. and Mrs. Spike, two exceptionally nice
and generous people.
Day 22, Westwood, NJ
The owner of Westwood Cycles is a friend of
Rocco's. This is easy to tell because he didn't even
bother to show up at the demo. Which, by the way,
didn't even happen because he didn't get us a
place to skate, which didn't matter because he
made no arrangements to pay us, either.
Day 23, Long Island, NY
We were going to write about what a cool place.
this was, about how cool Jon the manager was
for letting us stay at his house, and about how
Hell comes to your house. Jinx "Marty" Jiminez
works out in a comfort inn.
much fun the demo was, but the owner called
Vision and complained. He complained that we
sold Hell-Tour 1-shirts for food money. That Grigley
didn't skate just because his ankle and wrist were
about to fall off, and that the demo didn't start on
time because his contest ran late. So at this point
we'll just mention that Grigley and Lucero quit the
Hell Tour.
Day 24, Memorial Day
On Memorial Day we honor those skaters whose
lives have been ruined by the Tour
1. Marty "Mr. Jinx" Jimenez-who stayed on the
Hell Tour, even though his baby, Mr. Fuzz, was los-
ing his hair
2. John A. Grigley-who spent over $500 talking
about sex on the phone with his girlfriend.
3. John Leroy Lucero who is thoroughly convinc-
ed that his board sales will plummet into an abyss
now that the kids know he can't do Ho-Ho's..
4. Natas Kaupas-who cancelled two demos so
he could spend a weekend on the Hell Tour-only
to have some lame shop owner cancel his flights
because she was too cheap to fly him out.
Day 25, Plymouth Rock, Mass.
Mike Vallely makes his first appearance on the
Hell Tour. We do a demo for the local shop, Cal
Surf. The highlights include: Rocco and Vallely
being called assholes by the local kids for choos-
ing Nutri-grain over pizza and the owner, Mark,
giving us a $100.00 bonus.
Day 26, Toronto, Canada
3:00 am, "Rocco, wake up," Mike yells from the
front of the van. The map is clutched in his hand.
"What's the difference between slightly off course
and way off course?" he asks. So much for Mike's
first driving lesson.
We arrive at the Canadian National Exhibition
in the afternoon. The Better Living Center is the
site that the NSA has chosen for stop #3 of the
travelling skateboard circus. Mike and Rocco do
a freestyle demo (on their street boards) which
nobody (except the audience) seems to appreciate.
Then they head back to the hotel for some evening
activities.
Cruising up and down the streets near the hotel,
the boys notice an abundance of prostitutes. It's
at this point that Rocco gets one of his dangerous
ideas. "Let's interview one of these true masters
of the street for the Hell Tour article."
After bartering for almost an hour, the team con-
vinces one of them to come up to the room. She
collects her fee (the rest of the t-shirt money) in
advance, and we begin the interview. Her name
is Dominique. She is 20-years old, 5'3" and 110 lbs.
Rocco: How much do you charge?
Dominique: That depends.
R: On what?
D: On what kind of sex you want.
R: What kinds are there?
D: Blow jobs, those are $80; a straight lay, that's
$150; and a half-and-half that's $200
R: Do you ever play with yourself?
D: No.
R: Do you like sex?
D: No.
R: Then why do you do this?
D: For money.
R: How much do you make?
D: About three to four hundred a night.
R: What do you do with it all?
D: No.
R: Why?
D: Because you can't put a safe on your lips.
R: What do you mean by that? (At this point she
opens her purse and pulls out a stack of condoms.)
R: Oh, no way!
D: Oh, yes way!
R: You mean you make your customers wear those
things?
D: You bet.
R: Even for a blow job?
D: That's right.
O.K., boys and girls, that's enough interview. I
hope you've learned your lesson.
Days 27-30, Condensed Hell at the NSA
Chris Miller rips the ramp so hard that they
should take it apart and mail it to his house. Gator
almost gets deported for fighting a drunk with his
skate. Neil throws a jar of peanut butter off the top
of the Ramada Inn (23 stories) while an eager
crowd waits below for it to hit. Johnee Kop points
out that Groholski looks like a bug. Mike Vallely
is called a padless punk by Frank Hawk, who says
he'll, "never make it in the NSA."" Victor Starr kicks
Rocco out of the freestyle demo because too many
kids watch him skate the bench. Todd Swank rips.
the street area while the crowd goes clueless. Tony
Hawk is booed for not doing McTwists in practice.
Greg Smith is just being himself, which is more
than good enough for everyone there. McCall and
Barnes rip the demos, while Pierre Andre and
Kevin Harris rip the contest. Sophie "Mullen"
Bougouis asks that eternal question, "What's a
love machine?" And Tom Groholski laughs and
smiles for over ten seconds in a row. A new
Groholski record.
RAMP FINALS: Mike Vallely gets last place, Tony
Hawk gets first. Everyone else gets someplace in
between.
Day 31, Motown
Five hours of driving lands the boys smack in
the middle of Motown. Tired and scared, they
search for a place to hide from their fears that they
are the only three white people in the whole city.
Day 32, Dearborn Heights, Michigan
The Tour now consists of Mike Vallely, Steve
Rocco and Johnee Kop. Joe Johnson got scared
and went home.
At the demo the usual weather prevails. A tor-
rential downpour would be euphimistic in describ-
ing how hard it is raining. So let's just say that when
you exhale, small bubbles trail skyward. Still, Roc-
co decides to skate, while Mike, not wanting to ruin
the picture of Stacy Peralta on the bottom of his
board, opts to stay in the van.
Day 33
Despite a group effort, none of us can recall any
of this day's events. In fact, as far as were con-
cerned, it didn't even exist. We call up Washington
to have it omitted from the history books.
Day 34 Toledo, Ohio
The riverbank in Toledo has got to be one of the
best skate spots in the world. Stairs, walls, banks,
drops, benches, stages-every type of imaginable
terrain. The only problem here is that there are
just as many types of police. Police on fool, in cars,
on horses and on scooters. It seems that their only
purpose in life is to stop skaters from having a good
time by chasing them away. When will they ever
D: I buy diamonds and put them in a safe deposit learn? Skaters like being chased.
box.
R: How much is a kiss?
D: I don't kiss.
R: If I gave you a hundred dollars?
Later that day we do a demo. Mike does a huge
assortment of difficult tricks, but nobody notices
him until he does a ho-ho. Wake up, Kids!
To be continued...
f. Monster Ramp-An 11" high 3 transition jump ramp capable of hurting no one
2. Sightly off course-a small distance of 2-300 miles, not to be confused with "way off course" which is 3-500 miles
3 Mc Cow A small mechanical beast resembling a cow it walks, moos, wags its tail and for the most part is more entertaining than we are
BONES
BRIGADE
VIDEOS
FEATURES THE SKATING OF:
STEVIE CABALLERO
Name
ADRIAN DEMAIN
TOMMY GUERRERO
KEVIN HARRIS
TONY HAWK
MIKE MCGILL
LANCE MOUNTAIN
RODNEY MULLEN
ERIC SANDERSON
RAY UNDERHILL
JIM THIEBAUD
PER WELINDER
VIDEO COUPON
VIDEO DE
Street
City
Phone No. (.
State
Zip
Qty of THE BONES BRIGADE VIDEOI:
a: $31.50 each.
VHS
Qty of FUTURE PRIMITIVE Bones Brigade VIDEO II:
at $31.50 each
Beta
VHS
Qty of THE SEARCH FOR ANIMAL CHIN
Bones Brigade VIDEO III:
at $31.50 each,
Bela
Amount of money enclosed,
Qty ordered $31.50 each S
Visa or MC
M/C or
Visa #1
Name
on card,
Money order
Exp
Date
VHS
sonal chacks paase, Cost of stepping included
shapedatherer USA Canaden customers please ace US
$500 Malapon with payman
TM
POWELL PERALTA"
501 East Gutierrez Street
Santa Barbara, CA 93103
(805) 963-0416
ALLOW 2-4 WEEKS DELIVERY
83