WELLTOUR
Starring: Jesse Martinez, Steve Rocco, Per
Welinder, Hans "Hazze" Lindgren, Bob
Schmelzer and the Powell credit card.
Story by Steve Rocco
Day -3
Hans and Rocco head for Vision Sports
to secure financial support for the Hell Tour
Brad Dorfman says, "if that's where they're
going, I'll give them all the money they
need. Stacy Peralta gives Jesse the Powell
credit card. "Remember Jesse, only use it
if you really need it." The card is cold..
Day 1
With our sponsors all eager to get rid of
us we pick up the rental van equipped with
a "Passport" radar 'detector. The guy at the
counter is sorry he gave us unlimited free
mileage after Rocco asks for a map of the
United States.
We stop at a supermarket for supplies and
Hans spends all his money in five minutes.
We're on the road now. Rocco passes out
little diaries to everyone. After 20 hours of
driving we encounter a signpost with the
route number 666 on it. We know we're
heading the right way. Everyone falls asleep.
One hour later the alarm (radar detector)
goes off. "Put on the brakes," "Give me the
binoculars," "Slow down," "There he is, on
the right side." Scoreboard shows Passport
1. Cops 0. Back to sleep.
Day 2
Texas. In school they teach you that Texas
is a state. On the road you quickly learn this
Right Rocco alone and abandoned.
experiences his own personal Hell Tour
after eating his first and last Wendy's
meal deal. Below from left: Per Welinder.
indoor ollie. Schmelzer, copping an
attitude. Hell Tour scoreboard
SHED
to be false. Most states take a few hours to
drive through, Texas takes a few days. It's
so big they should make it a separate
country.
We arrive in Houston around 3 p.m. First
stop California Dreamin', a small skate shop
in the rich part of town. Most shops love to
have pros show up and do a demo and hang
out with the kids. That is, if they know they're
coming. Well, our van pulls up, five skate
animals (us) who have been driving for 30
straight hours get out and just start skating
in front if their shop. Fifteen minutes later
we get kicked out of the shopping center.
So much for demo number one. We head
for the nearest hotel for showers and sur-
vival rations. Jesse warms up the card.
After a few pops everyone is in the mood
to go out and do something. Rocco, being
the group fool, opts to go skate downtown
Houston, escorted by two go-go dancers.
The rest of us make the intelligent choice.
and go the the Daquiri Factory. Jesse beats
up a big guy.
Day 3
Six hours of hard driving and we arrive
in New Orleans by 4 p.m. I don't know what
part of town we got off in but it's so bad
even Jesse is scared to get out of the
car. Hans calls our sponsors to beg
for money-all he gets is three ma-
gic beans and a phone number.
Luckily, the phone number is
to Windsurfing New Orleans.
We promise to do a demo
for the owner (Chip) next
week for a hotel room
tonight. Obviously he
doesn't know who
he's dealing with.
Everyone heads
for Bourbon St.
Now we know
why they
call it
that.
Day 4
On the road to Orlando, Florida and
cruising at 90 mph in order to arrive at our
next destination on time. Everything is run-
ning smooth until Beeeep Beeeep-
Beeeep. The radar detector takes a direct
hit. Before we know it we're pulled over to
the side of the road and the score is now
Passport 4, Cops 1.
9:00p.m. Gainesville, Florida. We stop to
say hi to Rodney. Rocco runs in the house
to play piano. Per throws Rocco's stuff in
the driveway and takes control of the wheel.
Bye-bye Rocco. Next stop Orlando.
Day 5
Orlando, Florida. The Surf Expo, mecca
to all skaters and surfers in financial need.
Schmelzer scores heavy. How heavy? Well,
let's just say he's almost set for life. Jesse
gets involved in the go-cart scene. The
minimum charge is 15 dollars. So while
Jesse puts 15 laps on the track, the card
heats up another 15 degrees. At this point
we would like to thank the girl who gave us
her rock and roll boyfriend's calling card
number. We can only hope there's enough
room on the U.P.S. truck to deliver his phone
bill.
Day 6
Rendezvous Pensacola Hilton. Rocco
meets up with everyone after Rodney had
put him on a Greyhound bus at 2:30 the
previous morning. The reason, "If my dad
found out Rocco was at my house he'd kill
me."
At the edge of town we discover a con-
demned building with a bunch of skaters in
it. For some reason unknown to us, the in-
side of the building is crammed with a
massive amount of unrideable street ramps.
Everyone skated...well, er, they tried to
skate. The floor was so slippery that kicktur-
ning was a life-threatening situation. At the
end of the day checks and trophies were
randomly distributed and everyone went
home.
Day 7
We take our checks to the bank and they
bounce so high we are immediately directed
to the nearest basketball court.
Day 8
We line up at the welfare office.
Day 9
Destination New Orleans. Chip from
Windsurfing New Orleans has 300 kids and
two TV stations waiting for us. Hans and-
Bob are interviewed by the news crew. Per
does an excellent freestyle performance
which is followed by Rocco and Jesse
fighting over where to put the parking
blocks. Jesse wants to use them to hold the
street ramps in place, Rocco wants to use
them to skate on. While this is going on a
local kid called "Saran Wrap" skates out
and makes us all look like a bunch of fools.
After accomplishing our main objective
(getting paid) we called a meeting of the
minds to plan our next move. After five hours
of arguing we were on the road again,
heading for Arizona.
Day 10
Still heading for Arizona.
Day 11
Jesse is panicked. He calls home and
finds out his car has been repossessed and
he has been evicted from his apartment.
The good news is his phone won't be
disconnected until tomorrow. Jesse takes
out his frustrations on the Powell credit card.
The local hang out, Graffiti's, is having a
25c drink sale. Over $100 and 400 drinks
later the card is so hot that it must now be
handled with pliers. The amazing thing.
though, is that this isn't the highlight of the
evening. The award goes to Schmelzer who,
in the process of coaxing a young lady
home with him, vomits all over her.
Day 12
Still in Tempe. It's demo day at Bare
Cover. We hang out and skate all day. We
skate inside. We skate outside. We skate
where we're not supposed to. Bill Danforth
also shows up and skates. He skates out-
side with Rocco. They don't talk to each
other, though. That would dispell the rumors
that they hate each other. Lucero shows up
next. He's frozen from riding in the back of
a truck for 30 minutes. Oh, I forgot to men-
tion something. It's the coldest day in
Arizona history and snow is actually falling
out of the sky.
Per and Rocco now assume their
business postures and try to get paid. The
owner reduces them to bartering like In-
dians. Using boards, shirts and wheels as
trinkets, they make the best deal they can.
Another meeting of the minds is called.
This one only lasts five minutes. Afterwards,
the only person on his feet is Jesse Mar-
tinez. The Hell Tour is over.
Final Scoring for the Hell Tour
1st place - Hans Lindgren, $0, which is more
than he started with.
2nd place - Passport Radar Detector, Score:
Passport 6, Cops 1.
3rd place Per Welinder, -$90 for a
speeding ticket.
4th place Steve Rocco, -$178 for two
nights at the Hilton that Venture won't reim-
burse him for.
5th place Bob Schmelzer +.25% blood
alcohol level content.
6th place Jesse Martinez, -1 phone, -1
car, -1 house, 3 big guys, and Rocco -
numerous times.
7th place - Powell Credit Card, +$873.28.
stolen in Arizona, last reported temperature
reading +2,348 C°
Last place: Hell Tour Van, +5,864 miles.
Dumped at a parking lot at the Phoenix
Airport.
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