CH
WA
Speed tuck past
historically symbolic
markings, Mike McGill
torques his board to
descend and blast
through the dead
foliage and assorted
debris brought down
from the mountains
by tropical rains.
Reptilian rancor
off the copingless lip
in a pool behind a va-
cant rental unit in
Santee, just a few
miles outside of San
Diego. Gator thrusts
past the slide.
One's for the convertible top.
Remember that little tear? Well, it kept
getting bigger and bigger, so I just
had it fixed. Then, the engine started
to make these little ticking sounds.
Fortunately, a very nice mechanic
took care of it for me, for what he says
was next to nothing. Only $400
because I had such a nice smile. So,
tell Daddy that he adjusted my
'piston return springs' and replaced
three of my muffler bearings. (The
fourth one still has a couple thousand
miles on it.) Daddy will be so proud
of me. This should prove to them once
and for all that their little 'boopkins'
64
can take care of herself out in the real
world.
Hey Sam, how about some service
over here? What's a guy gotta do to
get some service in 'dis joint, eh? And
Sam, get Maynard here whatever he
wants. On me, okay? Now Maynard,
let me tell you something. If it wasn't
for bad luck, I would've had no luck
at all. Yessir. Don't get me wrong, 1
am not big on complainin', no sir.
Back as a kid, I kept real busy scrat-
chin' out a livin' on a farm in Wiscon-
sin. Oh, I'd work from five in the
mornin' 'til eleven at night takin' care
of the cows and the pigs and the
ducks. Yep, pretty fortunate I was.
Y'know, to be workin' durin' the
Depression years and all. Then come
round every thrid Saturday, my night
off, me and Donny and Sparky, my
two pals, would drive up to Milwau-
kee and raise a flavorful ruckus, uh-
hmm. It was one of those nights,
Maynard, that I met my wife to be,
Dorothy. That particular evenin' me
and the guys got real drunk murder-
ing a couple of six packs. So we stag-
gers into Maxine's soda shop, started
drinking malted after malted, trying
to stun our drunk, and SHAZAM! I
saw her, she saw me...a match
made in heaven. I burp, she tells me
I'm disgusting, we fall in love.
There it is, Maynard, up to that
point, and about six more months,
things were goin' pretty dam swell for
me and my life. Unfortunately,
through that whole time, them Hein-
ies were stirrin' up some big trouble
over in Europe. You know, tryin' to
take over the continent and fixin' to
conquer the whole world and all.
Things are happening so fast for
me down here (nothing like back
home in Iowa). There's so much to
tell, I don't know where to begin. For
beginners, I got into all of the classes
I needed, so it looks like all of my re-
quirements will be covered. Dorm life
isn't so bad, at least not as bad as I
imagined. My roomie is real nice. her
name is Annie. She's sort of a tiny bit
overweight, but she wears real tight
modern clothes so it looks like she's
totally fat. After I get to know her bet-
ter, I'll lend her a few opinions and
criticisms on her appearance. She
seems to have a great personality,
though.
So Maynard, the next time me and
my buddies drove up to Milwaukee,
we got real blood-red schnockered,
started talkin' about patriotism and
martyrs. Fightin' and dyin' fer yer
country. Mothers, apple pie and the
domino theory. We found a place to
sleep that night, passed out with our
right hands over our hearts. Middle
of a hangover the next momin' all
three of us were swearin' ourselves
into the Army, God Bless America.
Followin' Saturday, I married Dorothy
and on Sunday, with weak knees I
climbed aboard the boot-camp train.
Two months later, I'm back stateside
with a purple heart pinned to my
chest, a metal plate souvenir from
Anzio in my skull and I'm wonderin'
"What the heck?" I don't even
65