Skarfing
OK, lissen up pukest dau dio a little
everyday, and everyday you live a little less,
No foolin heyke wow, I just figured it out2
and now I can't think of anything else to
say Really whewa
into a steamer which he's prepared over
some boiling water)
Samuel: I was talking to one of your broth-
ers yesterday. You know, the one
whose name starts with a Z? (He be-
gins to slice up an apple and remove
the seeds. THe was tebin me that you
used to wat the bed up until when
you were twenty-four years.od Imag
ine that
Material
Chet-Boy-Am--Hungry
Jeff Grosso jams
ajam sandwich.
Samuels speaking outof the corner of his
mouth white puting on slacks without
underwear) You're lucky I don't slap
you upside your witch-type head.
Gira
OhyeahWell you're lucky I don't
call my seven brothers and have you
separated into nineteen pieces with
piano string
[Samuel throws a large boot across the
wishing a four foot tall plaster
buddha bought on their forced honeymoon
in Tijuana, Mexico
Whaouwowwow! Hey, just one second
here This is my column and twe got to
Intentionally perpetrato this pen to How
across this paper, staining it with the ink
that will somehow come to mean som
thing OK it goes like this ya listebinoom
Alright, the Chelie is gonna make an at
tempt al walina little play that hopefully
be discovered by one of those Spelberg
Lunas guys and turned into a major gross
F1 success. Then I can get those black
leather Harley Davidson pegged bike
bitches Ive always wanted So get ready
Sarve-ber.comes
THE OTHER TUNA SANDWICH
Introduction: These are ghly two characters in this
play that I'm just gonna make up off the top of my
head in drdoad meel the incredibly short deadlines
damn magazine is forcing the to work under
hey are a mole and à female or better known a
couple. You could even better Know them as-a
manied couple. These two characters should have
names now that think of it and since my mind is
in this one particular place I'll give these characters
fitting names, Samuel Smith Ruddles and his wife,
Gira Jane Ruddles Got it now? Fine. (The thing to
keep reminding you about here, is, that this
was not one of your basic "I love you-until death
do es party marriages in some parts people defice
dge of the sort of hchups as a shotgun mar
ringe but actually this particular case there
(Scene 6-B14X2NUFB)
Samuel: Hey! You didn't wash any of my
underwear!
Gira:
16
I'm not touching that brown
streaked' linen for nothing Never
Samuel Hey I'm hungry Think I make
me something to nai. Ya want any
thing, woman? (Stressing the last
word.
Gira
Tuna sandwich (Looking at the
tubble of the flourescent purple ex
buddha lying on the floor near the
backgammon gameboard Sighing)
Uha tuna sandwich.
Samuel: Like hell. You're gonna eat what
make you
(Samuel starts digging through the cup
beards, slamming them, bashing pot
pans, plates, throwing utensils out onto the
counter
Samuel: You know, it's beyond me why
you never learned to cook.
Gira:
Ignoring the statement) Why
wort you make me a tuna sandwich?
All I want is a tuna sandwich.
Samuel chops up several vegetables, in-
cluding half a cup of broccoli, one good
sized carrot, a half cup of cauliflower, along
with one good onion slice. He places these"
Gira: (Said with much conviction)
Look who's talking brovi strank."
Samuel: Hey shut your mouth stupid-
facel
By now the veggies are dones they only
took a few minutes to steam. When they
start losing their color, you know they're
overabokod He gets two plates, spreads
Two healthy lettuce loaves opto the plates
then begins to put equal layers of the
steamed veggies on top of the lettuce, Overs
this, he puts about a hall inch layer of lowlat
cottage cheese, sprinkling gnty with a
bit of black popper On top of the papper
coated cottage cheese he gingerly places
the apple slices in a decorative pattern and
sprinkles, ever so lightly, a dash of cinna
mon onto the apples. Samuel returns to
Gira and offers it to her)
Samuel: Happy Valentines Day my little
crockpot.
Gira
Taking the plate and locking B
it from beneath a crooked brow
thought you weren't going to make
me a tuna sandwich. You said (pause)
you weren't going to make me a tuna
sandwich.
Samuels didn't
Gira:
This isn't (pause) you didn't?
Samuel: No.
Gira throws the plate across the room in
the opposite direction of the destroyed
buddha If smashes into the bookcase
where Samuel displays all of his Japanese
Shogun wamor toys Samneel without re-
sponse, sticks his fork into the Other Tuna
Sandwich that's not a tuna sandwich at all,
and begins to eat it with calm dignity, savor
ing every bite
Samuel: You don't know what you're
missing
[He eats it all. It was good.]
WHAT THE BLOODY HECK?
Now what's this people've been tellin'
me? They say that they know for a fact
that they saw you eating, and you weren't
wearin a SKARFING MATERIAL t-shirt. If
it's dirty you need another one, if not, just
get one NOW! Send $9.65 (shipping and
handling included) c/o THRASHER
MAGAZINE ISKARFING MATERIAL
T-SHIRT RO Box 884570, San Fran-
cisco, CA 941884570. See you next
month and don norget to floss.
ROB
ROSKOPP
DESIGNS
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