Dhandad
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GAY-ASS ROCKER BOOts:
SEARCHING FOR MY HEAVY METAL PAST
What we found was 10 million gigowatts more horrifying
ALL WORDS AND PHOTOS BY ANDY HARRIS Festival. Metal, the music we had worshipped for the better
than Ozzy whipping dead puppies into the crowd at the '83 US
ILWAUKEE'S BEST IS A TOP-NOTCH BEVERAGE IF part of our green years, was tired, OHHH SO TIRED. The
served ice fucking cold and drunk down quickly. If it's just Ventura Theater, one of those bigger clubs that probably
a bit on the warm side, your stomach and your asshole are gonna treat packed 'em in like sardines back when rock was king, was
you with vengeance the following morning. So yeah, Cole and I, Sean about at a third of its capacity.
Cole that is, were treating ourselves with a couple (that being six or Most of the crowd seemed to be of the 35 and up division and
seven) of them not-so-icy ones as we skirted along the 101 North thoroughly disinterested in any of the newer metal bands that
towards Ventura and what we thought was to be a heartfelt meeting played that night. Instead, most chose to spend a good portion
with a little sliver of our backpages. Indeed, we were going to a Heavy of the night sitting at the bar tables looking bored. In their
Metal show. Now, this was no ordinary metal show we had our sights defense, Massachusetts boys Shadows Fall made a valiant effort
on, mind you. Nope. King Diamond, that great dane of Black Metal to please with their fluid blending of growling hardcore and old
that wailing son-of-a-bitch with gay-ass rocker boots, that's who we school (bordering on cheesy) metal, but even they only managed
had travelled so far and drunkenly to see. Would the King to get a thin strip of heshers pumping their fists from behind the
Goldenvoice barrier. It was King Diamond or nothing with this
crowd, and thank God, he was up next.
MORE HORRIFYING
THAN OZZY WHIPPING
DEAD PUPPIES INTO
THE CROWD
99
Now, let's just say that Sean and I had built up an image in
our heads of what a King Diamond performance would be
like, and truth be told, we had probably created this image
some time back in the fifth grade. We fully expected sophisti-
cated pyrotechnics, gushing blood, and a ghoulish King
exploding from the stage like Satan reborn. Well, as you've
sacrifice a goat, or better yet, a totally foxy metal chick, during probably guessed, none of that shit happened. King Diamond
one of his horrendously evil songs? Would the crowd rip me pranced about like a zombified Barbra Streisand, serenading
and my buddy to shreds due to our lack of mullets and afore the crowd from the pyrotechnic-free stage in his trademark
mentioned gay-ass rocker boots? Regardless of the impending shrill falsetto. The hesh crew was into it though, finally getting
doom we seemed to be hopelessly careening towards, with up off their sweaty asses and breaking into a full devil-
six-pack each of the 'Best sloshing in our gullets, we were horn-pumping frenzy.
excited about the night ahead. Excited about getting back to
our roots, back to childhood memories of the hessian chicks
our block with crimped hair and one-size-fits-all half-shirts
We were driving north to white-ass Ventura to recapture the
heavy metal thunder that was our childhood...
One 36-year-old lass named Misty or Crystal or something like
that almost showed the King her boobs, but the lousy security
chumps curtailed her fine intentions. The show went on and on,
with the rockers reliving '81, '82, '83, and '84 in one night of
headbanging glee, but for me and Sean, the night was bitter-
sweet. We had come to relive our heavy metal childhood, and
while the gig will probably stick in our minds till our dying days,
the only image I can conjure up in my head is those terrible, hor-
rific, gay-ass rocker boots and the smell of stale Milwaukee's Best
on my upper lip.
SHADOWS FALL
(Brian: vocals; Jonathan: guitar; Matt: guitar; Paul: bass; David: drums)
ABOUT THE GUTTERAL
seem fond of: do you ever practice
that shit by yourself in front of
the mirror?
Brian: Actually, I can't really make
that noise with my voice till we're
playing live. I get nervous that it's not
gonna come back again, so I don't
know until we play a show. I don't
know where the fuck that noise
comes from.
Guitar dude, I noticed that you also
have the growl in certain sections of
the songs. Do you sing that way in
the shower too?
Matt: If you want me to I will.
I'll get back to you on that. What's
the future of heavy metal rap?
Brian: A slow painful death-it
should have ended with "I'm the Man."
Name a band that you are embar-
rassed to admit liking-one that
your friends would kick your ass
for if they caught you rocking it in
your room.
Jonathan: Poison. I LOVE POISON!
David: Ween. All my friends talk
shit about them, but I don't care.
Who skates in the band, and what's
the worst slam you ever taken?
Brian: I slammed skating vert and
didn't have health insurance, so now
my wrist looks a little funny.
Have any of you ever been injured
by Brian's dreads slapping you in
the face while playing live?
Paul: I'm that guy. He's got a
wingspan on those fuckers. It's not
the dreads that hurt though. It's
when he starts in with the micro-
phone-whipping that I duck. I'm
talking chipped teeth, dude.
What's your take on bands like
Korn and Limp Bizkit?
Brian: Any band that's doing
anything for heavy music in the
public eye is a good thing. I don't
personally get into that kind of
stuff, but if they can cross some
lines and make it easier for under-
ground bands to play heavy music
and gain somewhat commercial
acceptance, that's cool.
Paul: I'm just sick of underground
bands sounding like those bands. It's
like, get some balls and play your
fuckin' guitar, man!
This one's for the guitar players.
When you were a kid did you ever
play air guitar by picking your
right testicle? (This question
caused some blank stares from
the dudes and one band member.
giggled in mid beer sip, sending a
torrent of beer gushing through
his nostrils.)
Matt: I would grab my dick sometimes.
Jonathan: I usually pick lefty, so it
was the left testicle for me.
King
DIAMOND