cold
snap
STAMPEDE TO THE SLOPES!
As snowboarding has grown, so has the number of kids chas-
ing the dream of sponsorhip and the elusive frontside Indy. Many
I have already chosen to bail on school and work for a life of possi-
ble fame, riches, and travel. With Madison Avenue, the Olympics
and Hollywood circling like hungry sharks, it is inevitable that even
more snowdogs will want to see if they can make the big time. This
will lead to what will come to be known as the "Great Loaf-Fest
Pandemic." Uncountable hordes of clueless wanna-be's will move
to the mountains, entire towns in the Midwest will be abandoned as
the youth of today see if they can florf their way into the hearts of
America and the world. Sadly, few will have the talent or persever-
ance to succeed.
This no-talent, jobless human detritus will settle at the base
of the mountain in cheap pine shacks and commiserate over
endless bong-loads and Nintendo sessions. Before long, the
strain put on the welfare system will reach critical mass and
the US economy will collapse under the weight of an entire
generation of loafers. A financial domino effect will ripple
outwards as market after market topples in the wake of
western economic collapse. In a desperate, last-ditch bid for
stability, multinational shock troops will descend on the
world's mountain communities with orders to eradicate this
malignant tumor growing on the teat of decent society.
After the successful execution of this snow-purge, the UN
will pass a global ban on snowboarding and the Olympic
Committee will reintroduce the ski-ballet in its place. As a
consequence, the world will become increasingly disinterest-
ed in mountain sports and all of the ski areas will flounder
and then go under. Slowly and quietly, small but steadily
growing bands of outlaw boarders will take to the backcoun-
try and enjoy secretive turns in the pristine pow. Like the cockroach,
snowboarding can never be totally wiped out. It will flourish quiet-
ly after its trial by fire till once again it captures the public's eye and
all hell breaks loose, again.
We here at COLD SNAP want nothing more than to see the integri-
ty and beauty of the sport preserved. As evolutionary theorists we
feel that adversity best helps the organism thrive and ultimately
succeed in its ecosystem. We support this mass migration to the
mountains as it will, in the long run, help the sport thrive by thinning
out the weak. At present, many are considering the move to the hill
but are held back by fear of the unknown. We have assembled a
team of Tahoe experts to address some of the common concerns
in hopes that this may ease the transition to mountain life. Read on
and be emboldened; then run to the hills, young snowroach!
114 THRASHER
TAHOE Freaky ski shit happens daily!
THE PROS AND CONS OF LIVING IN TAHOJ
Pros: No little foolio gangster kids running around. -Cory Ahtoong
Riding some of the best terrrain in the United States, then driving only
three hours to go surfing. -Michelle Shetler Beautiful mountains and freezing
swimming holes in the summer. -Wendy Powell Snow. -John Cardiel
Cons: It's poverty with a view. -Wendy Powell It can be boring here.-Aaron Katz Not
many ladies. -Shawn Sterken Yuppies in their fruit suits. The weekend comes
and they all roll up in their sport utilities and drink like idiots, ski like idiots
and think they rule the world because they're some exec from the city.
Suck it. You should see when you throw bunches of new snow in the
mix. It's mayhem.-Cory Ahtoong Kooks. -John Cardiel
SNOWBOARDING SPOTS
KT-22. Heaven or Hell depending upon
when you're there. Pick yer line pardner!
I
Best: Sugarbowl. -Wendy Powell Tahoe backcountry-shown Sterken Classified. -Aaron
Katz Squaw, Kirkwood and Alpine. -Cory Ahtoong Reno.-Jason Pata Squaw. -John Cardiel
Worst: Heavenly. -Aaron Astorga Boreal on a Saturday. -Michelle Shetler Anywhere
firm.-Cory Ahtoong Any resort on a holiday.-Chod Shetler The Bay Area. -Jason Pata
Soda Springs. -John Cardiel Squaw on a weekend. -Everybody
GOOD & BAD SKATE SPOTS
Good: Roller skating in the McDonalds parking lot.-Wendy Powell The
Strawberry bowl.-Aaron Astorga Downtown Reno. -Aaron Katz South Lake Park,
anything indoors.-Chad Shetler Sacto. -Jason Pata Anywhere. -John Cardiel
Bad: Homewood mini park.-Michelle Sheffer Downtown Incline. -Aaron Katz There
isn't really any worst spot because you should be happy you're skating
at all. -Cory Ahtoong Nowhere. -John Cardiel
Pools, pools, POOLS! Well, okay, there's only one
but it's real good. AA drops some of that famous
"death from above" on the Strawberry bowl.
WHERE TO LIVE
Best: Squaw Valley. -Everybody Tahoe City or Truckee. -Shawn Sterken
Tahoe Vista. -Jason Pata San Francisco. -John Cardiel
Worst: Donner Summit. -Cory Ahtoong Tahoma. -Shawn Sterken Kings
Beach. -Aaron Astorga Glenshire. -Michelle Shetler The White House. It's kind
of like America's brothel. People come and go and the presi-
dent fucks everybody.-Rob Dafoe Tahoe. -John Cardiel
More halfpipes then you can poke your shred-sled at! Shawn
Sterken demostrates his pipe prowess at the Northstar
human ice cannon with a gloryhoggin' mega-crailer.
PLACES TO HANG
Best: You can check naked people hangin' out at nude beaches around the
lake.-Cory Ahtoong Elevation. -Wendy Powell Pameez/Pata's Place. -Jason Pata Home.-John Cardiel
Worst: Elevation. -Aaron Astorga House parties. -Shown Sterken Humpty's. -Jason Pata
The worst place to hang out is definitely on the landing of any jump.-Cory Ahtoong
JARNIN' A LIVIN'
Best: Snowboarding. -Everybody Working at a resort (free pass). -Chad Shetler
Squaw's Park. Those guys get paid to sit on their asses all day. -Aaron Astorga
Pest Patrol.-Jason Pata Scuba Diver. -John Cardiel
Worst: Lift operator. -Wendy Powell Scrubbing toilets at the youth hostel. -Aaron Astorga
Parking duty at resorts in a storm. -Shawn Sterken Snowave. -Chad Shetler
Rock Chipping. -Jason Pata Lifeguard. -John Cardiel
If you are really rich you can get a pad that has a view of
this pretty lake. If you're po' it's off to Kings Beach for you.
A DAY IN THE LIF
Good Day: A good day is almost every day. -Shawn Sterken
Eighteen inches of heroic pow on a good base where you
know wherever you go is going to be insane. -Cory Ahtoong
Riding in the backcountry with good friends.-Aaron Astorga
Bad Day: Watching it rain away three feet of snow. -Michelle Sheffer
Shoveling your house and car all day. -Shawn Sterken
Getting hurt on your first run on a good day. -Aaron Astorga
LEAVE BEHIND WHEN YOU MOVE TO TAHOJ
Your open-mindedness; people don't like that here.-Wendy Powell
Fat stance and wide pants.--Michelle Shetler Your skateboard. -John Cardiel
Any wheels smaller than 56mm.-Cory Ahtoong
Leave yourself behind; Tahoe doesn't need you. -Jason Pata
Kill the wife, kill the kids and come on up!-Rob Dafoe
LOCAL HEROES & ASSHOLES
Heroes: Terry Cook. -Jason Pata The Avalanche Man. -John Cardiel Mully Mole. -Aaron
Katz Noah Salasnek. -Michelle Shetler Mad Dog (Pete Bianucci.)-Wendy Powell The butch
bartender at the Tourist Club.-Shawn Sterken My local hero is some freak who
walks all over town, up and down the hills to my neighborhood in shorts
when it's snowing and in full gear when it's warm.-Cory Ahtoong
Assholes: Bad bartenders. -Shawn Sterken Jack Daniels. -Wendy Powell The asshole
with red hair and glasses who works the tram building at Squaw. He would
try to run interference when we would sneak friends on. -Aaron Astorga
What Tahoe lacks in street skating is made up for in parks.
Carson, Reno, Yuba City and South Lake are all close and
rippable as hell. Chris Roach pays homage to John
Cardiel with a fat backside grasser at the Yuba park.
115