cold slap
In an effort to help you identify and accept
possible latent snowboard tendencies, we here
at COLD SLAP have compiled the following
aptitude test. Answer honestly and use the
scoring table at the end to
determine your specific level
of snowboardiodicy.
1. If it became popular to wear your
undergarments on the outside of your
clothing you would:
a) Make sure they are clean
b) Underwear, what underwear?
c) Have a drink and mull it over
2. Your pals come over and want
to go skate a friends mini you:
a) Decide to stay home and play
"Magic, The Gathering" with your
new pals from the chess club
b) Go
c) Get real drunk, then go
3. You are the editor of a big
snowboard mag. In captioning the
photo at right you do the following:
a) Call it a frontside Indy
b) Leave the caption blank for fear of
embarrasing yourself
c) Fire up the crack pipe
4. It's a big powder day on the moun-
tain. Do you think you would:
a) Spend all day in the sno-park lining
up for a stab at the Maxi-KickerⓇ
c) Head south for a nice round of golf
b) Suffocate in a tree-well
d) Get real drunk, then go
The
EMBERS
COCKTAILS
5
5. You are offered a chance to go to the Olympics to
represent your country in the halfpipe event. You would:
a) Make a loud stink about preserving the integrity and
roots of the sport
b) Hire a sports management agent
c) Do both of the above
d) Get real drunk, then go
6. You want to try snow-
boarding because:
a) It's that place where
you lose yourself and you
find yourself
b) You are allergic to
masonite dust
c) You love the smell of
napalm in the morning
7. Your favorite sports is:
a) Golf
b) Football
c) Smoking
8. The deaths of Sonny Bono and
Michael Kennedy were:
a) Preventable through the use of safety equipment
b) Tragic, but necessary
c) Can't remember, too drunk at the time
9. A halfpipe is:
a) A great place to meet girls
b) Scary
c) Hastily assembled smoking pipe made from
whatever materials available
10. Your hero is:
a) Jim Rippey
b) Andy Roy
c) Otto Von Bismark
11. Your favorite band is:
a) Pansy Division
b) Motörhead
c) The Loudmouths
12. Your favorite movie is:
a) Point Break
b) The Search For Animal Chin
c) Judgement At Nuremburg
SCORING: Give yourself 1 point for
every a) answer, 2 points for every
b), 3 points for every c), and 4
points for every d).
0-12 Points:
You were born to shred!! Fame and for-
tune will be yours so don't delay and
join the herd, I mean crowds, of other
like-minded shredsters immediately!
13-24 Points:
You might consider venturing out on the
frozen tundra of snowdom but you will
probably be just as happy grinding your
local curb.
24-38 Points:
Don't bother, you'll get kicked off the hill within
the first few minutes. Stay home.
38-50 Points:
You are an alcoholic with general substance
abuse problems. Physical activity of any sort is
to be avoided. Seek professional help.
114 ERAS