NOT
HOW TO SteaL A RAMP!
PHOTOS BY MICHAEL BURNett
After being piped into millions of homes via coverage of the
Olympics, X-Games and countless commercials, ramp skating
is destined to make a comeback. With reliable halfpipe plans
existing since the early '80s, (when Thrasher issued its first
set), the greatest remaining challenge faced by amateur car-
penters is paying for the materials. With plywood costing
upwards of eighteen dollars a sheet, you would have to mow
100 lawns just to build a launch ramp. The following outlines
some easy, though immoral, ways that endanger the souls of
all those who are considering building a ramp.
Where You Shouldn't Go
The easiest place to get free wood is at
a construction site. Avoid these places like
the plague, and especially do not scout
around exclusive housing developments
(the ones with names like Heatherwood.
and Raintree). Be wary of sites with sub-
stantial stacks of lumber set apart from
finished homes. They are such an easy
target you may be tempted to "borrow"
some of the lumber. Fortunately, most
evildoers fail to make sure they know
their way in and out, and, as cul-de-sacs
are inherent to these communities, the
brigand is often apprehended as he
attempts to escape. Furthermore, civic-
minded citizens, private security guards
and joggers will rightfully alert the author-
ities of any suspicious behavior.
When You Shouldn't Be There
Peak temptation time is early mornings
on Sundays since most honest folk are busy.
praising the Lord on the sabbath. If you
should find yourself sliding down the slip-
pery slope of sin, get thee to church imme-
diately! Late at night is when most sinners
roam. Fortunately, lawmen are aware of
this and are on the lookout for miscreants
in vans who fail to provide any reasonable
explanation of why they are toting around
large quantities of lumber at 4 am. The
most brazen of thieves commit their crimes
in the middle of the day, blending in and
taking advantage of people's trust. They do
so by looking and acting the part of the
honest workman.
With Whom You Shouldn't Associate
THE VILE ACT!
DRAMATIZED FOR EDITORIAL PURPOSES BY PROFESSIONAL ACTORS
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DUPLICATE THIS BEHAVIOR IN YOUR COMMUNITY!
The most comtemptible thieves employ an underage driver, as they will
not go to real jail if apprehended. If no such person is available, the thief will
recruit someone they don't know or don't like very much. Another vile
specimen of humanity, the pick-up-owning hessian, is often employed in
these devious acts, as it is in their nature to take joy in the devil's work.
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TEMPTATION!
So, should you be traveling by a construction site along with two or
three acquaintances who can lift wood, jump over fences, and generally
be trusted not to crack when things get hairy, for the love of Jesus get
thee away from temptation quickly! Should you succumb, you might
succeed and so be damned.
EVIL DISGUISES!
Transportation Dont's
No respectable citizen would be seen driving a van. It's nature of deceptive concealment makes it
the vehicle of choice for perverts, adulterers and especially the lumber thief. Pick-ups are used by
the dishonest as well, but only if it's bed can accommodate a full sheet of plywood (8' by 4') laid flat.
Hypocritical as well as opportunistic, the truck-using thief will put a red flag on the end of any lum-
ber protruding from the bed so as to avoid scrutiny by the police. His evil cunning knows no bounds
as he will even steal magnetic door signs from a legitimate construction truck to disguise his vehi-
cle for the heist. Borrowing a work shirt from a punk rock friend completes his disguise. If you see
such a vehicle on the road, find the
nearest police officer and report the
pervert! Take joy in performing your
christian duty and don't forget to take
down the license number.
COLLUSION!
SUBTERFUGE!
GREATURE
IDLE HANDS!
What Not To Grab
We learned from God fearing foremen
the most frequently purloined construc-
tion materials. Analysis of the items
reveals a disturbing trend; namely that
all these items are necessary in the
building of skateboarding ramps. Bring
the following information to the atten-
tion your community's carpenters
and construction workers at the
next church meeting and help put
an end to this vile trend!
The wood larson favors ply-
wood, two by fours and four by
fours. Plywood, most often found
stacked in construction sites, is
bound by a metal strip. There
have been reports of thieves
using axes and wire cutters to lib-
erate the lumber. Fortunately,
many of these larsons are
unaware of the potential energy
in the tightly wound metal strip.
It's spring-like action upon release
has righteously wounded many a
miscreant. Praise the Lord!
Due to today's cost-conscious con-
struction techniques, plywood is a rari-
ty. However, the ramp thief will steal
less valuable chipboard for use on the
first layers of his sin-pipe instead.
Always keep a close eye on even the
lesser materials.
Other items lusted after by these
depredators are eight foot or longer
2X4's, 2X6's, boxes of nails and
screws, joist hangers and bags of con-
crete. Wise workers will lock these tempting tidbits away at the end of the working day. Even
items such as welder's masks, hard hats and tool belts are purloined; possibly just to further
humiliate the honest laborers from whom they were stolen.
As far as top layers go, there has never been a recorded case of someone finding free sheet metal or
Masonite in the history of wood larceny. However, the unscrupulous thieves still manage to obtain
these items by demanding money from small children, in-liners and all the other new "friends" they
have once word gets around that they are building a ramp. Coping is also difficult to obtain, but junk
yards, industrial areas and plumbing supply stores have reported raids by young skateboard punks.
The truly evil would even go so far as to cut down the flag pole of their school with a hacksaw.
You can protect yourself from becoming a depraved wood bushranger by avoiding lumberyards, construction
sites, power tools and Home Depots. This will help, but the only truly effective measure is to renounce your
impure ramp building thoughts altogether. In fact, organize a board-burning bonfire with other members of your
church youth group. Petition the local government for a total ban on skateboarding and burn down or bull-
doze whatever skateboarding structures already exist. Only after you have purged the vile influence of skate-
boarding from your community will you be free from the dangers and depravities of a life of crime. The best way
not to steal a ramp is to not skate at all, for it is in this so called "sport" that the source of all evil lies.
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