SLACHEAP
By Don Ramon
After the Most Hated Skaters list became : popular
(death threats, faxes, names to be added, and most
importantly, how cool it was), it was only logical to see
if we could ruffle some more feathers. This column will
be called Slagheap for the simple reason that if some-
thing sucks or needs to be dumped on, it will sometime
grace this page. It might appear every month, or it
might never happen again. Anyway, the first install-
ment will stick an icepick into the neck of the whore
known as popular music.
The B
Beatles: These old, English, washed-out acid gurus rake 40 mil-
lion dollars in one year digging up some old bunk ass tape of John
Lennon whining, add their own retread retro slurf and, Bingo, Top of the
Pops. I say three more bullets.
Seal: A crater-cheeked snowboarder scores a career on his drivel that
accompanies the media wash surrounding the latest Batman movie, wins a
grammy for best new artist (like he started last year) and closes out the
year by singing for McBurgers. Dude, get some bondo for your face or a
bag for your
r head.
Red Hot Chili Peppers: Cashing in on the fact that they were all
heroin addicts but overcame the depths of addiction to become sober,
pseudo-man-loving, tattooed biker, art hoarders. The only one that was
true to the game was man enough to see the writing on the wall and OD'd
like the romantic junkie persona that most bands can only dream about.
These sensitive LA needlecore scenesters need to drive off a cliff with a rig
in their arm for true dru
druggy immortality. Skip
spending zillions on pansy
videos and take some
singing lessons.
STDK
Alanis
Morrisette: The Canadian
songstress with the flounder eye has become the
favorite amongst all female social outcasts. Her songs paint.
pictures about loneliness, pain and despair. How painful can selling 10
million records be? Do the names Janis lan, Tracy Chapman or Suzanne
Vega sound familiar? Next stop: car commercials.
Oasis: British bullshit from the get. These wogs out to conquer America
need to take a look at the long string of other warm beer drinkin', cor-
roded ass teeth, soccer hooligan lovin' popsters that have tried before
them to be The Jam. Start the hype themselves with some inane babble
about who the best band in England is (them), come to the states and talk
about how much we s
e suck. Here is a clue to the next wave of Brits, all the
smart people left England 200 some odd years ago and came to America.
Aren't you guys a little late?
Ozzy Osbourne: Get a fuckin' life you old bag of shit. It kills me to
think you were in Black Sabbath, killed Randy Rhodes, and still have the
audacity to tour and sing their old songs. How desperate you must be to
retire, come back "for the fans" and still sell T-shirts for 25 bucks. The only
fitting retirement for you is eternity in hell.
Megadeth: By far the worst coke-core, poodle-head mosh
band of all time. Dave Mustaine got kicked out of Metallica
for his ego, bragged about his thousand dollara day
heroin habit, and still has the gall to
Il to preach the horrors of
drug abuse to the kids on national television. Blowdrier
in the bathtub for you asshole.
Social Distortion: Mommies little pole smok-
ers again jumped on the junkie train and cashed in
with some twisted vision of tattoos, old cars and
reformed prison-bound zeros.
I wish I could have seen
the video of these
hard mothas and
their first week
NIGHTMARES
ON WAX
Smoker's
Delight
SMOKERS DELIGHT
Available at cool record stores everywhere or contact
Wax trax!/tvt records 23 East 4th Street, New York, ny 10003
tel 212.979,6410 fax 212.979.6489 http://www.tvtrecords.com
OLI