WHY I DID IT Compaign
MANY KNOW ME AS GATOR the skate-
board professional, but my real name is Mark
Rogowski. I'm in prison for the death of
someone my own age who I'd been friends
with for years. The judge sentenced me to an
indeterminate term of thirty-one years to life.
Before this I had a clear record. I'm twenty-
nine today and have been in prison for nearly
five years. Some of the hardcore convicts
here identify me as a piece of junk, and
I've been violently attacked several times
because of my charges. I may never go
home. Life in here can be very dangerous.
However, there are some specific emotions
and attitudes I carried which set me off on
lot
that awful night of my crime. Firstly, I had a
of possessive jealousy over my girlfriend.
I wanted to control her and expected her to
repay me for all the things I thought I'd done
for her. I wanted her to depend on me, to be
loyal and true-mine only. I put far too much
importance on her loving me.
Before prison I had a great career as Gator,
the world champion skate pro. My life was
full of limousines, nice homes, new cars,
world travel, concerts, and going around
with actors, models and rock stars. I was fre-
quently on television, radio, magazine covers
and in centerfolds worldwide. I was featured
in videos, did stunt work doubling in motion
pictures and commercials, and I taught skate
clinics and camps globally. From the ripe age
of sixteen my yearly income grew from nearly
$100,000 and upward during my eight-year
career. I was young, rich and popular. I grew
up living in North County San Diego and
graduated from high school in Escondido.
I'm not telling you these things to brag
about who I was, but to paint the back-
ground for my downfall so that hopefully
someone can learn from my wrongs-also to
give credit to God for opening my eyes to
my faulty beliefs. Otherwise, I have no right
to be standing here before you today.
Another thing, since the age of fourteen,
I'd been getting drunk on alcohol regularly.
At the time of my crime I was twenty-four
Even though I did plenty of good things
in my life, there were some problem areas
which led to me committing my crime. You
could say that for the most part I was a self-
centered, conceited, prideful young person,
who often times disrespected and underval-
ued others. Also, I'd made what seemed to
be "little" compromises in my behavior here
and there, which numbed me to larger com-
promises later. And I allowed so-called.
"harmless" activities to go unchecked in
my life. Things like drinking beer and booze,
smoking cigarettes (then pot), lying, ditching
classes and slacking on homework, hanging
out with the wrong people, and also looking
at porno videos and magazines. Another
thing was having sex before getting married.
You know, I took a lot of the ideas from
movies, MTV and album lyrics literally. I
thought, "If it's on TV or someone is singing
about it, then it must be cool. Wrong. You
could say that my moral life was basically like
a swinging kitchen door-whatever felt good
at the time. Sometimes I had boundaries and
sometimes I didn't. I'd even read in the Bible
warnings against things I was doing. But at
the time I just didn't want to obey; I didn't
care. I once viewed God, values and family
as a big fairy tale. But I was very wrong.
the police-to obey God and the authorities.
They had no idea, but you can only hide from
yourself and God for so long.
Believe me, I never thought I was capable
of anything as bad as this. I'd never hurt any
of my girlfriends in any way before. And
today I have so much sadness inside because
of my sudden act of violence. I took a human
life away and made relatives and friends have
great pain. Her parents will never see her
wedding day or grandchildren. I stole their
joy. I violated someone's body.
and had been dry for six months for the first
time in a long while. That night we took
some codeine pills and drank several bottles
of wine. My mind had already been swim-
ming with perverted images I'd seen in
porno books and videos. The booze and pills
really took away my inhibitions (fears, reason,
conscience) during that hour.
I regret that I didn't see the warning signs
mounting up in my life. I thought I was in
control, but I was wearing the blinders of
denial to my anger. What happened inside
me the moment I snapped didn't just happen
overnight or in one hour. It was a gradual
process that could've been helped. I really
wish my mom or brother would've taken a
closer personal interest in my private life-
to check on me, to offer loving criticism and
trust, to see me slipping away. But I was
ashamed of them. I should've let them in,
should've reached out to somebody earlier.
Anyway, I alone am responsible for my
actions and feelings. I wish I'd had the
courage to take an honest look at myself.
especially wish I'd realized that my personal
worth and self-esteem doesn't depend on
someone else's approval or acceptance of
me-that I can't control that or them.
But the real key to my bizarre behavior
that night was my anger, even though I may
have appeared happy and clean on the out-
side. I had a tremendous amount of jealously
and anger-built up resentment inside that I
was far from being in touch with. My anger
was so well hidden that I became mentally
sick with it. Deep inside I felt that my girl-
friend and others "owed" me something:
appreciation, respect, or money perhaps. I
felt cheated and desperately wanted control
when I discovered she had secret romances
on the side. I also thought I could handle all
of my problems all by myself, too embar
rassed or proud to share my true feelings
with anyone. I couldn't even identify my feel-
ings, so I just tried to ignore them.
On that fateful evening I lost all control of
my anger and pain, and it suddenly came out
on a person I'd been friends with for years. I
realized afterward I was definitely not well. I
came to my senses and turned myself in to
GUEST COLUMN
28 THRAWER
I hate prison, this life here and what I did
back then. I may never get out. But unlike
a bad dream, I can't just wake up out of it
and go skateboarding. No fun, no freedom,
no second chance. Today I have a very ten-
der conscience and new, healthy attitudes.
I'd even give my life to bring Jessica back,
but it's just too late! Like plenty of people.
who know me then, I thought I was regular
and normal ("No needles in my arms, no
criminal records, and, after all, doesn't
everyone have problems?"), but I really
wasn't okay.
I know you people are young and this is
pretty heavy stuff, but, please, check your
life and your heart before it's too late. Get.
in touch every day. Hey, you don't have to.
be foaming at the mouth or "crazy" to get
some guidance or talk to a counselor-
someone who will listen.
Finally, please don't be deceived into
believing what some other sources (like TV,
movies, friends, trends and culture) tell your
is so-called "okay" or "normal." See for
yourself. Also, respect human life and the
law. Respect your body and mind (and those
of others). Please, stay away from sex before
marriage, away from porn, drugs and alcohol
-they're just not good for us. And lastly, if
you happen to be going around with hurt or
anger inside, please be honest about it and
talk to some adults: relatives, teachers, coun
selors, doctors, coaches, someone. Get
heard. It's okay to need help. It shows that
you are strong and sound. Thanks.
-Mark "Gator" Rogowski
'97
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