Behind the
BADGE
EXIT
POLICE STATE by Jake Phelps
SHE-CURITY A shemale that has a
problem with guys thinking she isn't
"Man enough" to be a cop. These
types tend to get very nervous around
large groups of skaters.
The long arm of the law has many names and faces. Here are some of my
favorites. I'm sure most skaters have met at least a few of these in their travels.
DONUTASAURUS REX Often seen
working the late shift at the counter of
Dunkin Donuts. They will talk about
anything and everything, but rarely go
outside. They tend to be overweight.
lazy and have bad breath. These types
of cops are the worst because they
think they are so tough while in reality
they could not make it for one week
on a big city police force. What they
need is a bike and a flashlight.
WIFEBEATUS MAXIMUS A deeply
troubled soul here kids. Watch out for
this one. They will stop at nothing to
get respect, and if that means a slap
on the head or a fist in the gut, they'll
do it. Word to the wise, if you suspect
a hair trigger, address them as "Sir."
RENT-A-JOKE Bottom line is that they
aren't real cops. They can't arrest you,
only kick you off private property. No
gun, just a radio and an attitude.
GOOD COP/BAD COP The oldest
trick in the book. You get separated
from your pals and they want you to
talk. They usually start off with, "My
partner here wants to run all of ya in
for trespassing, but if you tell me the
truth I'll make sure he goes easy on
ya. Watch your mouth.
OFFICER FRIENDLY You're lucky if
you run into one of these types. They
know directions, talk about the weath
er and generally don't mind. If more
cops were like this, the world would
be a much better place.
DAD As the name implies, these guys
are more than willing to tell you all
about what you're doing wrong.
Familiar lines include: "I don't care
what you do, but we got a call about
the noise." "Brake any bones lately?"
And the classic, "Hell, I used to skate."
NAPOLEON A little guy with a big
chip on his shoulder about anyone
having any fun. He's usually the first to
snap and the last to accept an excuse.
A couple of hints on this one, never
call them "Shorty" or "Half-pint," and
always look them in the eye.
My last bit of advice comes in the
form of a warning: If you ever see a
bunch of cops with black tape over
their badges, watch out because they
are in beatdown mode.
32 T
Clockwise from
above: The break-
fast of champions.
"There's a parking
lot down on Sixth
Street where I se
all the rollerboard-
ers, why don't you
go down there?"
Matt Palles travers
as some expensive
real estate in SF's
demilitarized
Presidio with a cop
car on the way in
the background.
"Man, we ain't
hurtin' nothin',"
they explain. "So
let's see, that's
Colin, like do you
hear me callin'?