SKARFING
MATERIAL
PICNIC AT
TRAILER PARK
Uncle Leb's slanted stare
cut through the kitchenette
and into my forehead as he
killed a Pall Mall in a Mira-
cle Whip lid. "Why'd you get
block ice, blockhead? You!
know I said cubes, boy."
"Man, Leb, chill. Speed-
e-Mart was out of cubes."
"Well, you shoulda gone
to the Laze-e-Rest like I
said. Squishy'd let you fill
up at their ice machine for a
pack of smokes or a couple
scratch-offs."
"Yeah, right, skate all the
way over Smoke Hill and
back? I don't think so.
Maybe if you had let me.
take the Gremlin." As it
was, I'd practically ruined
my grip tape dragging that
melting hunk back.
"You gotta get a life be-
fore you borrow my wheels,
punk. Get on out there and
crush that stuff into the tub.
Bucky's gonna be here any
minute with the kegs."
I flipped him a quick bird and
ducked out through the screen
door, wondering who the hell
decided to put Leb in charge of
this year's Chilber's family pic-
nic. He's got the foulest yard
patch in Creak-e-Pine Trailer
Village-all choked up with.
dryer lint and rusty washing
machine guts and, ever since
they laid him off from Suds-E-
Wash Coin-O-Mat, he's had an
attitude to match. I figure Leb
wasn't too happy about his
duties, either. He'd probably
rather be reading Maytag man-
uals, milking Mr. Coffee and
feeling his beard grow.
The annual family nightmare
would start in about an hour, as
soon as the good soaps were
over and the air was hot and
dusty enough to make foamy
flat Blatz keg beer taste good.
About twenty-one Chilbers
(twenty-nine counting the
aunts) live in this park, but they
all congregate only once a year.
If you ask me, that's one too
many times.
26 THRASHER MAGAZE
HES
HAW
HONEY
Two hours later, the picnic
was in full swing. Dad, Leb and
their two other brothers were
matching flannels, my sister
Connie's youngest boys Bart
and Barney (she names all her
kids after influential cartoon
characters) were mud wrestling
in the cesspool and my cousins
Gina and Rena, the twinteens,
were hitting up every adult for a
ride to Val-e-Plaza Mall so they
could buy the new Tesla tape.
Jello/Cool Whip ambrosia jig-
gled on the peg-legged picnic
table, gizzards sizzled and spit
on the grill and Sparky, Leb's
mutt, started humping my leg. I
knew I had to get out soon.
Then my big chance came.
Bucky and Leb called every-
one over to watch their egg
drinking contest. I crept around
the side of the trailer, grabbed
my board and cut out, stoked to
spend the rest of the day rip-
ping Diggers Ditch.
Hot cement lips called my
name as I pushed like a bee-
stung horse onto Frontage
Road...the Aunts! Their brown
Dodge van loomed on the wavy
With
ketchup, relish, capers) to hulky
Chef-Boy- mass. Mix until it's nice and
Am-l- gooey. Recipe by Oliver (Ollie)
Hungry Hair, Somewhere, Outthere.
tarmac like a mirage from hell.
Hattie, Maddie, Lula, Gretel and
Bernice were in there. I dove for
the embankment, but it was too
late. They screeched to a stop.
and so did my heart.
"Why, Jason dear. Where are
you going?" Hattie's voice was
thin and syrupy sour, like the
gallon of custard I knew
sloshed in a Crock Pot in the
back of the van.
"Uh...just up to the Laze-e-
Rest for more ice, Aunt Hattie."
"Well, get in. We'll drive.
You're too old to be gallivanting
around town on that toy, Jason.
All your brothers and sisters.
turned out so normal. I don't
know where your parents went
wrong with you. Come on now,
hurry. We want to get back in
time to eat some...
Poser Pate
8 big weenies
garnishes
Put the weenies in a blender.
Press chop button and watch
the posers transform into an
edible pate. Following this
insignificant slaughter, add
favorite toppings (mustard,
Indy Sandwich
Welch's Squeeze grape
jelly
Salsa Rio Doritos
2 pieces Butternut bread
Miracle Whip
turkey lunchmeat
peanut butter, tomatoes
spinach, mustard, milk
marshmallows
chocolate syrup
Put as many Doritos as
you can on one piece of
bread. Squeeze grape jelly
over Doritos. Put Miracle
Whip and turkey on other
piece of bread. Mix toma-
toes, spinach and peanut
butter. Melt mallows and
choco-syrup for dip, or dip
in milk. Recipe by Kyle
Shoultz, Delavan, IL.
Dead Man's Salad
1 can cherry pie filling
1 large can crushed pineap-
ple, drained
8 ounces Cool Whip
1 can condensed milk
4 large bananas, sliced
½ cup nuts, chopped
Mix together and refrig-
erate overnight. Recipe by
Chris Stanley, Eggleston, VA.
Gnarly Skate Punch Base
1 can pineapple juice
1 12 oz. can frozen orange juice
concentrate
5 packages Cherry Kool Aid
5 packages Orange Kool Aid
1 tablespoon banana flavoring
3 orange juice cans of water
cups of sugar
8
Mix all ingredients then stick.
in an airtight container and
refrigerate or freeze till you're.
ready. Take 1 cup punch base
and mix with 5 cups water.
Recipe by Chad Penrod,
Brigham City, UT.
Hardcore Goodies
1 tablespoon butter
1 cup chocolate chips
% c. fine ground nuts
1 spoonful peanut butter
1 cup Wheatles or any other
cold cereal you desire
¼ cup mini marshmallows
Melt chocolate chips and mix
with the other ingredients. Put
in small square pan. Put that in
the refrigerator until it's hard.
Cut into squares and enjoy.
Recipe by Zach Smith, Ann
Arbor, MI.
This is
SEAN SHEFFey
HERE, AND THIS
is My New Life
D. Hopelike
iT. THANKS NOT
FOR THE
Really RDD
COMPLIMENTS
Nd Letters
About The
Life video.
THIS SUMMer
I will Be Tours
BIOT. MAYBE
I Will Be in
YOUR TOWN TESO
Hopefully I will
be able to meet
мыскате
WITH YOU. THAT
Would be RAQ
Wellkeep
SKATING d
HAVING FUN
And don't let
ANYTHING get
bummed...
YOUR Pal
Se Sheffey
P.S.IVALUE
MY FRIENds Please
dON'T EAT THEM...
PHOTO: DANEL HAROLD STURT