☆
TRACKER TRUCKS
ON THE ROAD
PEDAL TO THE METAL
I've been on tour the last three sum
mers: in 88 with my old band Crimp-
shrine, in '89 playing drums for Sweet
Baby and last summer as a roadie for
Green Day. Through trial and erro, I've
learned a lot about life on the road and
gathered some tips to make road trips
funner, safer, cheaper and less stress-
ful, whether you're with a band or just
out to skate and see this whole damn
country for yourself...
1. Keep the graffiti and stickers on the
inside of the vehicle, otherwise cops,
thieves and other creeps will spot you
right away and make your life
miserable. It's said that thieves keep an
NO
A new depart
ment about
loving and
living life on
the highway
Mustration by
Kelly Reed
eye out for cars adorned with graffiti,
knowing there's probably plenty of
musical equipment, luggage and
skate/snowboard stuff inside. And cops
definitely won't appreciate your
"Question Authority," "Legalize Mari-
juana" or "Skate and Destroy" stickers.
There's one exception: we put a couple
Harley Davidson stickers on the back of
the Green Day van to put a little fear in
the hearts of thieves. This turned out to
be an even better idea than we had
thought. Because of the stickers, burly
bikers gave us thumbs-up, hicks helped
us with directions and we were saved
from a fight-happy Florida bouncer who
muttered, "I'm gonna kick someone's
ass tonight, and, as he walked closer,
"but I guess you boys can't be all bad
with those stickers on your van."
2. Enjoy the rest area experience. I
call them "rest arenas" or "crust arenas"
because their very nature is a losing
battle. After all, the idea of a bunch of
weary travelers all trying to sleep in
their cars in a parking lot in the middle
of nowhere is pretty ridiculous. How-
ever, most rest areas are adorned with
skateable planters, sidewalks, curbs,
etc., that can help to ease road fatigue.
Watch out for psychos and also psycho-
bugs-I once spotted Mothra at an
Arkansas rest area.
28 THRASHER MAGAZINE
3. Pick up a 32-ounce mega-mug for
coffee consumption. It will become your
best friend on those long all-night
drives. Don't like coffee? Leam to like it,
or just suffer and drink it anyway. To
avoid C.B.O. (caffeine burn-out), you
may want to alternate between coffee
and cold caffeinated beverages. Drink
30 cups a night. Soak your head as
often as possible. Hurt yourself. Scream
and hang out the window. Do whatever
necessary to STAY AWAKE!
4. Eat at supermarkets when you can,
and buy extra cans of soup and stuff to
heat up in gas station microwaves when
you stop to get gas. This will save you
some cash and offers a nice break from
super-greasy-what-was-in-there-
anyways?-truckstop food. If you can
afford it, make sure to sample some
regional specialties like clam cakes in
Rhode Island, BBQ in Kansas and (of
course) pizza in New York.
5. Even the most comfortable road trip
is full of illness and unforseeable mis-
ery. Bring along multi-vitamins to keep
yourself alive. You may also want to
bring garlic pills or bug repellent to keep
mosquitos and other swamp beasts
from eating you alive. Sitting in the car
day after day, you can watch your
health deteriorate...sometimes it's
pretty amusing. Keep your skate on top
of your luggage for rest area round-ups
and quick access to ditches and along-
the-way spots. Gas station curbs are
usually of the finest painted or metal-
sheathed variety.
6. When in the South, be sure to refer
to the Civil War as "the war between the
States.
7. Never, I mean never, say anything
bad about country music to a cop.
8. Hell, while you're at it, just stay out
of Utah. If you do happen to go there,
wear three-piece suits or something,
and if you meet officer Beckman, tell
him we are "keeping our dicks out of the
dirt, as he requested.
9. Try to set aside time to see some
cheesy tourist attractions. There are
more famous ones like Wall Drug.
South of the Border, Cadillac Ranch.
and Graceland, and less famous ones
like the Fat Elvis Museum, the two-ton
prairie dogs in South Dakota and the
Blarney Stone in Shamrock, Texas. On
the Sweet Baby tour we just about
planned the shows around when and
where we could see the coolest road-
side attractions, using the great "Road-
side America" book as a reference
manual. Keep an eye out for breweries
and factories you might want to stop at.
Most give tours and free samples. I can
only say getting a tour of the Olympia
brewery in Washington at 11:00 a.m.
was quite an experience.
10. Illegal substances, open con-
tainers and throwing trash and burning
objects out of vehicles-hey, don't be
stupid. You are already marked for
harassment just by wearing dark sun-
glasses and a backwards ballcap. Jail
time is down time.
11. Select good road trip music. You
probably don't want to listen to reggae
after you've been driving ten hours and
are trying hard to stay awake. A lot of
the time blistering hardcore has the
same tiring effect. Credence Clear-
water is always good driving music. So
is the Ramones. Try Mexican AM radio
or scary religious shows if you're
feeling really daring.
12. Enjoy the truckstop experience,
but wear a hat or bandanna if you've
got funny-looking hair. Get used to
checking before you get out of the car
to make sure you're not wearing a
"Millions of Dead Cops," "Headless
Marines" or "If you're a hick you can
suck my dick shirt. You may want to
cover up tattoos if they are too incrimi-
nating. This is just my suggestion; if
you want to wage a moral war against
a bunch of truck drivers, be my guest.
Put me in your will.
13. If traveling near the Fourth of July,
remember this important phrase: "Half-
Off Fireworks. Under the same
premise that Easter candy only costs a
nickel the day after Easter, you can get
dirt cheap fireworks as soon as the sun
rises on July 5th and for a couple
weeks following. The weird thing about
buying fireworks on the road is that
almost every state sells fireworks but
almost every state prohibits them being
lit within their borders. Figure that one
out. Anyway, you gotta be sneaky
about it. I wouldn't recommend blowing
off Roman candles in the middle of
New York City. But, then again, we
didn't get busted for it.
Well, that's about all I can think of for
now. Hope your own roadtrips are as
fun as mine, and if you have some
neato travel stories, send 'em in care of
this fine publication. -Aaron Cometbus
OMAR
VETERANS OF THE PRESENT/FUTURE
TWO MEN ONE MISSION
RIDE IT ALL, RIDE IT HARD
BOTH CHOOSE QUICKTRACKS
BOTH WILL SKATE FOREVER
ALVA