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BLOCKHEAD H
BLOC
WARNING:
Thacher
Only a few lucky ones, who
don't fall as much, become
professional skateboarders.
Imagine that, professional
devil worshippers flying
through the air on runaway
missles of urethane, wood
and steel.
Instead of sitting around
their living rooms on weekends
watching the ball games and
drinking beer, these anti-
social skaters go out
thrashing in the streets
and make all kinds of racket
so true sports fans cannot
even watch television in
peace. These "thrashers" only
terminate their activities
temporarily when weather
conditions prevent their
equipment from operating properly.
Skateboard riders are so frail they can't even stand up
to a little rain like football players can. Football players
are real athletes; grown men running a ball from one end of
a field to another, slamming each other around violently.
Football is a real sport.
Where normal children come straight home from school
every day to watch television, skateboarders would rather go
outside and frolic in the fresh air. They are not normal.
Another strange thing about these punk skateboarders is
that they would rather go ride on the weekends than
hang out with other children. They refuse to
partake in socially acceptable activities such as
wandering around malls, egging people's
houses and getting drunk or high. They would
rather be on four-wheeled Satan sticks
terrorizing the city.
Skateboards themselves are the most
dangerous mode of transportation available in
the world today. Statistics involving inattentive
motorists crashing into skateboarders prove
these plywood decks are tools of death.
Skateboarders should learn to drive cars,
which are the safest form of transportation
available. Or maybe they should purchase
bicycles, or motorcycles. Anything to keep these
kids from weaving through crowds attempting to
knock people down and riding into the middle of
the streets trying to create automobile accidents.
The clothing worn by skateboarders is the most
offending garb known. If they wear shirts at all, they
wear the longest T-shirts ever, with subliminally evil
pictures silk-screened onto them. They also wear
big, fat hightops with tacky holes in them covered
with duct tape or other strange devices. They steal
shorts from their grandfathers, or procure them at
thrift stores. Skateboarders' feet are lighter in color
than the rest of their bodies because they
constantly sport malodorous footwear.
In conclusion, let us commend the anti-
skateboarders of the world for being intelligent, fair
and Christian people. Everyone should band together to
generate legislation to keep these Satan sticks out of the
hands of children's so they may grow up to be normal, gun-
toting, beer drinking, money-grubbing, drunk-driving
sports fans. Help make this a good and safe world:
abolish skateboarding!
Cussing, spitting and burning flags, nothing is sacred to these
dastardly riff raff (above). Showing no respect for the educational
system, Frank Atwater (left) rolls his plank on a tile edge at Ventura
High School's pool. Brian Frostad (below) breaks the law at a once-
exclusive country club.