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VOODOO QUEEN
W
AND THE BADDEST RIPPER IN NEW ORLEANS
by Elliot Richman
As Vance Vantry cruised past Rosie the Robot in Jackson Square, with his
Walkman blasting Underdog, Richie's lyrics suddenly changed to the sweetest
female voice Vance had ever heard. "Mon cheri," the lilting voice said, "so
you wants to be the baddest ripper in New Orleans? Is that what you desire,
my dear? You want to dominate Sukki deBrassier?" Somehow Vance knew
the voice belonged to
Rosie the Robot
Head a silver box with
red eyebrows and lips.
Hair masses of grey.
white shawl, white
gloves, an antebellum
silver dress. Next to her
a humongous stuffed
gorilla in a pink hat
holding a baby gorilla.
Sometimes the woman
in the silver box wore
the gorilla costume.
leaving the robot outfit
empty as a plundered
grave.
The whole act, of
course, was a great hit
with the tourists. Guys in Bermuda shorts and black socks and shoes gawked.
Their fat wives from Ohio with great cow eyes mooed in delight. Their kids
did savage dances round the box head woman and stuffed gorillas. Everyone
posed for pictures to show the folks back home how wild and different things
were in the Big Easy. They stuffed dollar bills into the trash can Rosie used
for a pocketbook.
Vance looked toward Rosie, who was thirty feet away. The woman in the
box head did not move, while around her tourists swirled like cheap beads
tossed from balconies during Mardi Gras.
"You go to Chicken-Man's House of Voodoo, you hear, boy. Go there and
talk to Sister Liz. She the great-great-great-granddaughter of Marie Laveau.
She give you what you want. Maybe more than you ask for Do that, mon cheri."
Everyone in New Orleans knew the Chicken-Man. He ran the most reputable
CHICKEN
MAN'S
HOUSE
And everyone in New Orleans knew of Marie Laveau, Marie the Magnificent,
the Widow Paris, as she was sometimes called, but better known as the Voodoo
Queen of New Orleans. Even though she allegedly died in 1881 and is buried
in Old St. Louis Cemetery, thousands still pay obeisance to her. They chalk
red X's with pieces of brick on her vault and place plastic flowers and seven
quarters on her grave. Not even the homeless who live in the cemetery
ever touch this money. People pray to her for luck and power just as the
Creole ladies did when there were still the Quadroon Balls in the French
Quarter and men bled to death under great live oaks, a dueling sword
gripped tightly in a white-gloved hand.
Of course, Vance and his friends from Metairie didn't believe in any
of that voodoo stuff. But that voice through his earphones was so convin-
cing, beautiful, unreal. Of course, Vance never heard of Odysseus and
the Sirens. If he had been "culturally literate," as some eggheads demand,
then he might have known about the fatal allure of such a voice. Then
he might have strapped himself to the first available mast.
Vance popped an ollie past a group of tourists listening to a band of
street musicians wailing Dixieland. He noticed a lovely girl in tight pink
pants and a skimpy black Marie Laveau T-shirt. Wanting to impress, Vance
did a frontside railslide on a railing near the statue of Andrew Jackson.
The maneuver didn't work. He fell flat on his ass.
The girl laughed just as her big neck boyfriend in an LSU sweatshirt
appeared. Averting his eyes, Vance thought that the eyes of Marie Laveau
on her T-shirt glanced toward him-and were no longer painted, but real,
glowing, alive. Of course he thought it was his imagination-even as Laveau
voodoo establishment in the city. He
had the best selection of gri-gri in
the South, powders and potions to
bring love, fame, luck, happiness,
cause evil to one's enemies. You can
buy Fast Luck Water there. You can
purchase Flying Devil Oil, Black Cat
Oil, Anger Powder, War Powder,
Moving Powder, Controlling Powder,
genuine shrunken heads, a six-foot
stuffed gator. Stay Home Powder if
your man or woman isn't staying
home or Come To Me Powder if you
don't want to stay home. Also, you
can purchase some Dixie Love Perfume, Dragon Blood Sticks, Wonder-of-the-
World Root for locating buried treasure. You can even buy pasteurized cans
of boiled rat soup and the guts of black cats sautéed in Korsi's Extra Virgin
Olive Oil, if you have a hankering to speak to the dead. And all this can be
charged on MasterCard or Visa. American Express, though, isn't accepted.
Photos by Michael Rosentretter
VOODOO
smiled at him in a way only his wife would the moment after she gave birth
to their first daughter.
But that was years away. When Vance was a far different person from what
he was now. Pulling himself to his feet, Vance saw a small business card next
to a discarded hot dog wrapping.
He sucked in his breath. This was too much of a coincidence. I'll do that.
Vance thought. I'll go to the Chicken-Man's. What can I lose?
He saw himself outskating deBrassier. He felt the admiration of his friends