Skarfing
Material
with Chef-Boy-Am-I-Hungry
Our saga continues in Washington, DC,
at the headquarters of the Cross Cultural
Celebrity Think Tank Foundation. Paul Bunyan
has just discovered the masterminds respon-
sible for his reincarnation and the subsequent
slaughter of his pal, Babe the Blue Ox.
Paul was seething. Inside the plush oak-
panelled conference room, cold-hearted
murderers were stuffing themselves on the
cooked ground flesh of his former partner.
He clenched his teeth and smashed the
huge picture window. Everyone in the room
spun toward Paul. Hannibal Smith stood up
and spit a piece of gristle onto the rug.
"Welcome, Mr. Bunyan."
"Welcome? Well, who the hell are you
people-uhh, and varmints-and what are
you trying to pull? What makes you think you
can use my talents as the greatest lumber-
jack of all time to exploit a deprived coun-
try? The whole lot of you is slimier than a tree
slug in a peat bog.""
Wile E. Coyote stood up and placed his
forepaws on the table.
"Mr. Bunyan, allow me to express myself.
It seems you have failed to grasp the truly
complex nature of this situation. You see,
there is far more involved here than the valid
but insignificant concerns of one oversized
individual. We here at the CCCTT.F. are
working together toward a higher goal,
namely the continued preservation of the
American dream. By enacting projects like
the South American cocaine/cattle venture,
we are able to ensure this country's con-
tinued dominance as a world power."
"Hey, I love America too, but you're ruin-
ing the rest of the world. I know forests. If you
strip that whole jungle down there, it'll be a
useless desert in two years. You won't even
be able to pitch a tent there, let alone graze
cows. Besides, you're taking advantage of
those less fortunate than you and that's just
plain wrong."
"Right and wrong are not the
issue here, Paul. Our destiny is at
hand and we can't forsake that.
You see, just like you, we at the
foundation are all products of
American mythology, brought to
life by widespread belief in our
significance and validity. Unlike
you, however, we were spawned
through television, and that gives
us much more power and visibility Folklore
and printed matter created you, but those
mediums just don't have the impact that
television does. Every week, millions of
Americans allow our images to soak directly
into their brains. Our lives and personalities
may be completely unrealistic, but people
would rather devote their attention to us than
their own pathetic, empty, unfulfilled ex-
istence. We are the American dream, Paul.
and it's about time we really came true."
Paul stared in at the room full of vapid
faces and realized that this was the closest
member of the human world he had felt so
thing he had to a family. He wasn't a bonafide
much love and devotion for. He was just the
overgrown by-product of a collective imagina-
tion spurred by depression and self-denial,
"So, you've all been granted supreme
abilities thanks to some fancy box and the
blind acceptance of a zillion people. I still say
you'll wreck this planet if you keep pulling
stunts like your South American deal."
Wile E. Coyote grinned. "Come on, Paul,
we're not that short-sighted." He walked over
to a presentation easel and thrust his paw
at a complex flow chart. "You're certainly
right in assuming that the forested areas
we're currently stripping will be desolate in
a couple years, but we're prepared for that
We have already regenerated Johnny Apple-
seed and supplied him with tons of seeds,
bulbs, sprouts and saplings. The moment the
land goes bad down there, we'll have Johnny
vide us with another verdant tropical
on the job. His uncanny abilities should pro-
paradise within six months. We let it grow for
a year, harvest all the valuable flora and
fauna, then it's your turn to deforest again.
We've created a beautiful cycle, Paul, and
I'm utterly positive that it won't fail. You see,
I am a certified genius."
Mr. Wizard stood directly in front of Paul's
face. "Lizzen my friend. If you vant to go back
to ze.place from vere ve got you, just say so.
can send you back in ze wink of an eye."
Paul let out a heavy sigh. If he chose to
go back, he faced a timeless wait in empty
darkness. If he stayed, he'd be more "alive,"
but he'd be a pawn for the power mad foun-
dation in their quest for world domination.
Paul was utterly torn by the two choices.
Never in all of his simple, rustic life had he
been forced to make a crucial decision that
would affect his whole future. He had always
thought these things were pre-determined.
EPI-LOG
Snowflakes drifted down through the
covered by a sparkling white blanket, icicles
Bethesda sky. The huge log cabin-roof
hanging from the green eaves, outline soft
and shimmering in the ivory glare-resem-
bled a gingerbread house. In fact, the aroma
of hot gingerbread filtered out through the
kitchen windows. Inside, Paul Bunyan, part-
time logger and loyal civil servant, was bent
over his custom-built oven. He had been
cooking all day in preparation for his upcom-
ing journey to the rain forests. Goiabao
harvest season would begin in two days.
GINGERBREAD HALF-PIPES
Blend until creamy:
Sift:
-cup butter
-cup white sugar
7 cups all-purpose flour
Re-sift with:
2 tbsp baking soda
2 tap. ground ginger
V-cup brown sugar
1 cup dark molasses
12-18p ground cloves
⚫ a pinch of salt
1 tsp ground cinnamon
Preheat the hot box to 350° Mix all the ingre-
dients together gradually by hand with about
14-cup of water. Now sprinkle a bunch of flour
on a clean table and roll your dough out till
it's about 4" thick. Cut a template for a six-
inch transition out of cardboard using the
string-compass method. Use this as a sten-
maining dough and another cardboard sten-
cil to cut out six dough trannies. With the re-
cil, make " wide by 4" long planks. Careful-
cookie sheet and bake 'em for about 15
ly place all your components on a greased
minutes. While they're cooling out, whip up
a batch of frosting by mixing 1 cup of
powdered sugar with about a tablespoon of
water (add more sugar or water till you
achieve a tasty pasty frosty consistency).
Enhance your goop with food coloring and
any other desired chemical additives.
Assemble the trannies and planks just like
you're building a ramp, using frosting as
cement. You can add licorice coping, marsh-
mallow betties or other nifty garnishes. Now
tool that muck, kid! Recipe submitted by
Anders Nilsen, Minneapolis, MN.
Jason
ee
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