CONTROL!!!
2
3
Skarfing
Material
with Chef-Boy-Am-I-Hungry
VETERAN PRO MIKE FOLMER
5
6
NAVIGATES A 50/50 TO
ROCK-N-ROLL BOARD SLIDE
7
FOR ULTIMATE SPEED & CONTROL
USE SILLY STIX AND SAW BLADES
WATCH FOR NEW TYPE III RAILS AND ALUMINUM HUB TIRES
8
FD&C RED NO. 5
PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED BEEF TALLOW
ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS
SODIUM PROPIONATE EMULSIFIER
POLYSORBATE 60
DIPOTASSIUM PHOSPHATE
SORBITAN MONOSTEARATE!
AGAR
SODIUM ACID PYROPHOSPHATE LARD WITH POLYGLYCEROL
I watched as her nail cut a glistening,
rough edged swath through the words
"California Champagne." All of a sudden, the
telltale talon popped right off and landed in
the mock apple pie. After dessert she
grabbed a box of replacement Lee nails, led
me to her Naugahyde couch and turned on
"Puttin' On The Hits." I sat and toyed with
her hair extensions as she gazed, mesmer-
ized, at three overweight, glitzy teenagers
emulating the Pointer Sisters. The sight was
nauseating. During a Velveeta commercial
I stood up and walked into her room.
As I approached the bookcase, a breeze
ruffled her Rayon curtains. She had three
shelves full of books, but there was some-
thing strange about them. I knelt down and
pulled out "The Stranger" by Camus.
Flourescent light reflected off the cover. I took
one look at the pristine spine and realized
the book had never been opened. A quick
browse revealed the same fact about most
of the other volumes. Then, down on the bot-
tom shelf, I noticed a tattered black notebook
with the word "Diary" pencilled on it's cover.
"This oughtta be good," I thought. Another
breeze stirred the room. I heard a click and
she was there, standing in front of the closed
door, face white, eyes spitting red glow. I
dropped the notebook and, as she advanced
toward me, I caught a glimpse of it's contents:
all blank pages...
All the way home, I couldn't stop thinking.
that today's world is full of fakes and put-ons:
Cubic Zirconium, Dianetics, Astroturf,
genuine wood grain veneer, Jim and Tammy,
the CIA's war on drugs. People lie about their
age, their feelings and even the actual events
in their lives. They lie to their friends, their
parents, and, worst of all, to themselves. Men
with hairpieces covet the attention of young
ladies who apply trowels full of make up to
conceal skin conditions. The ladies only
acknowledge their suitors if they're hand-
ESTERS OF FATS
some or financially secure. All of this decep-
tion is committed in sincere pursuit of the
American Dream, the biggest sham of all.
I realized that this pretension is reflected in
the culinary world as well. Fake food is a
staple in the average American meal plan.
We're drowning in a sea of diet soda and
Mocha Mix, shaking and quivering as
Simplesse, NutraSweet and MSG replace
the very blood in our veins. Despite all of
these chilling thoughts, I felt reassurance
from a few bright spots in the gloomy ersatz
dietary landscape. For instance...
CHAOTIC CHARLIE
+2 cups Texturized Vegetable Protein
*3 tbsp. oil
*2 green peppers, diced
+4 cups tomato sauce
+1 tsp pepper
•1 tsp soy sauce
2 onions, diced
1 cup boiling water
•1 tsp salt
1 tsp chili powder
+1 tsp mustard
Texturized vegetable protein, as you may
have guessed, is phony meat. Don't be
scared of this stuff; it's made with natural
ingredients and is probably healthier than the
real McCoy. Pick it up at your local groovy
health food shop.
Sauté the peppers and onions in the oil.
Add the TV.P. and brown for about 5 minutes
(stir often so it doesn't burn). Now throw in
the rest of the ingredients. Let it bubble-no
toil no trouble-for about an hour or until your
Charlies aren't too Chaotic. Add more
seasoning if necessary, then scoop it onto
some nice buns and skarf! (Recipe submitted
by Frankie Mackenzie of Banner Elk, NC.)
POSER CRAB SLABS
8 oz. Sea Legs, pulled apart into small pieces
1 tsp minced onion +4 tbsp butter
+1 tbsp curry powder
1/2 cup heavy cream
*grated Parmesan cheese
1/4 tsp salt
8 slices toast
Sea Legs are on the cutting edge of a hot
fake food fad: imitation crab. Fish is pressed
and processed into the spitting image of its
crustacean cousins. Some companies even
make pre-fab crab claws and lobster tails.
The idea of a disguised sea sausage may
sound kind of fishy, but this stuff is generally
quite tasty and economical. Nowadays, when
you order crab salad, you almost always get
Sea Legs.
Sauté the onion in the butter until it's soft
and transparent. Add the flour, curry and salt
and cook for a few minutes, stirring
constantly. Slowly add the cream, stirring the
whole time, then add the Sea Legs and heat
for another minute. Now spread this wealth
among the toast slices and dose them with
Parmesan cheese. (Recipe submitted by
Scott Berelson of San Francisco, CA.)
FAKIE FLOATER
+2 scoops Simplesse "ice cream"
1 cup Mocha Mix
½ cup carob chips
1 tsp NutraSweet
1/2 cup imitation eggs
Simplesse, if you don't already know, is the
latest simulation innovation from the
NutraSweet people. To put it bluntly,
Simplesse is fake fat. You get the exact same
texture without the calories. It might also
suck the vitamins right out of your body;
they're not quite sure yet. Yes, this is a gnarly
concept, but it ends up making great.
counterfeit ice cream. Although still in the
experimental stages, you should be able to
grub some Sirhplesse products soon.
Take all of the ingrediegts, put them in your
blender, and whir till they blurr. Make sure
you serve this treat in styrofoam cups.
(Recipe submitted by Coach Stubbs of San
Diego, CA.)
TOTALLY NON-BOGUS
Show all your friends what an up front, on-
the-level person you are by wearing a
genuine Shark Taco T-shirt. No artificial
sweeteners. No MSG. Send $10.75 (postage
and handling included) to: THRASHER.
Shark Taco T-shirt, PO. Box 884570, San
Francisco, CA 94188-4570.
37