HELL TOUR
ONCE YOU'RE ON IT YOU CAN NEVER GET OFF!
By Steve Rocco
And so, boys and girls, the saga of the Hell
Tour begins anew. The Hell Tour is a never-
ending journey of epic proportions. The latest
installment, which lasted almost two months
and covered over twelve-thousand miles,
stars John "The Jig Is Up" Lucero, Marty
"End Of The Line" Jimenez,
John "The Boys Are Going
Home" Grigley, Steve "You
Can't Quit Now!" Rocco, Joe
"I'm Not Going" Johnson, Mike
"I'll Go Anywhere" Vallely and
Johnee "Where Are The Twelve-
Year-Olds" Kop.
Having learned much from
the first Hell Tour, we had in our
possesion a new and improved
"Hell Tour meter," capable of
measuring radar installations
and everything else, from
"death threats" to "swindles."
The van came equipped with a
variety of options-optional first
gear, non-performing cruise
control, strobe dome light,
defective fuse-box and chatter-
ing dash board. Most important
of all, we had boxes upon boxes
of "Hell Tour II" t-shirts, from
which we derived our expense
money. This, then, is our story:
Day 1, La Verne, CA, "So we're
a bit late."
Jinx, Lucero and Rocco arrive.
three hours late to the first demo.
Grigley, who's not even sup-
posed to be there, is the only
one on time. We skate so badly
that after ten minutes the owner
says, "You guys better get it
together or just stop skating."
We do neither. Two hours later
Rocco loses the list of shops for the rest of
the Hell Tour and Grigley quits.
Day 2, Redlands, CA "Where's the food?"
The main goal of the tour is now to get as
much free food as possible. Our first provider
is a fifteen-year-old girl. Since it is her birth-
day, we convince her to buy us pizza, drinks
and ice cream.
Two demos and $1,000.00 later, we're on
our way to Las Vegas. We arrive by 10 p.m.
After seeing four "unacceptable" rooms,
Rocco convinces the manager to give us a
penthouse for practically nothing. By 12 a.m.
gambling fever hits. By 1 a.m. it has taken
its toll, Lucero has sprained his wrist play-
ing the slots and we have run out of money.
Day 3, Las Vegas, NV, "City of Fun"
78
By that evening we have procured the
telephone numbers of some girls belonging
to the famous Team 15. We call a few, chat
and then, after realizing that it's virtually im-
possible to get them to come out and play,
we hang up. Ten minutes later the phone
rings. The death threat meter goes off the
scale. An unidentified person whom we now
call Mr. Big informs Lucero that he knows
where we are and is on his way to kill us for
trying to pick up on his chicks.
Day 4, Las Vegas, "The search for Mr. Big"
The first item on the agenda is a trip to an
abandoned skatepark. Upon arrival we
notice that the only rideable spot is a small
portion of the freestyle area. This consists
of a three-foot bank interlaced with giant piles
of dirt and rocks. After skating for about an
hour in 1000+ heat, we quickly realize why
it was abandoned and head on our way.
Our first demo of the day consists of two
hundred kids milling about around a jump
ramp. After skating for an hour, we come to
the conclusion that no one even knows we're
there. The real tragedy of this demo is that
when we went to retrieve the Monster Ramp
it was dying the horrible death of excessive
street plants.
The second demo is held (without permis-
sion) at the University of Las Vegas. There
are many good obstacles there to skate. Un-
fortunately, there are also just as many
security guards. After skating for a while, we
head to the shop to take care of
financial matters. For the sake
of clarity we are only going to
state the facts.
Fact 1: There are two shops
in Las Vegas, both owned by the
same person. Fact 2: We did one
demo at each shop. Fact 3:
1+1=2. Fact 4: We only got paid
for one demo. Fact 5: Our spon-
sors provided the shop with a
promo pak. Fact 6: They sold
most of those items. Fact 7: Our
hotel, which cost $176 for two
days, was supposed to be paid
for by the shop. Fact 8: All we
received was $40 and "Sorry,
you guys you should have
stayed at the cheap hotel I got
you." Fact 9: The swindle meter
doesn't lie.
Day 5, "Land Of The Lost"
Rocco drives ninety percent of
the way from Las Vegas to
Phoenix, at which point he be-
comes sleepy. He hands the
wheel over to Lucero. When we
wake up, no one knows where
we are or how we got there. A
quick map check reveals that we
are only slightly off course.2
As soon as we arrive, a dust
storm, complete with sand and
70-mph winds, turns the city in-
to a living hell. The shop where
we were supposed to demo has
filed Chapter 11. Our only choice is to skate
the Hohokum ditch.
Day 6, El Paso, TX, "Another day in hell."
We start the morning off with a nice, hot
jacuzzi. Lucero and Jinx are just relaxing
when a toddler wanders into the pool area,
waddles over to the edge of the jacuzzi
and then plunges straight to the bottom.
Without interrupting the conversation,
Marty casually reaches under the steaming
water and hoists the youngster to safety. By
now the mother is screaming, "Where's my
baby? Where's my little (Continued on page 82)
Above: Another streetplant victim on the road to ruin.
Opposite Page: Hell Tour instants; you figure it out.
BIRD MEN
SECURITY
BED BUDDIES
MOZAR
MARTY ANDA
NEW FRIEND
TEAM HELL
MIKE MOTEL
SESSIONIN'"
I WON, I WON!
WELCOME TIITI
STEVEM ROCCO
MIMIKE MIJOHN
SKATEBOARD C
GREETINGS!
MR COW MEETS
LOVE RHINO
NOSE PICK AT
EL PASO DITCH
FAMILY PORTRAIT
TEAM 15
HELL TOUR
SEXZINE
"MR COW MEETS ONE MORE X FOR "End of the Live."
MR EINSTEIN"
THE CHICK METER