Any rider who has rolled for more
than two hours is familiar with the
harsh realities and the consequences
of a hard bail. Beefing, as it is fondly referred to
in skate circles, is as much a part of skateboarding
as adjusting your trucks or finding a new spot. The
resulting bruises, bumps and lacerations may not even
be noticed until after the sessioning's done. However,
once the crew is sitting around the campfire licking their
wounds after a day's battle, they note their varied in-
juries and give them equally varied names.
Herewith, then, we examine some of the term-
inology used to describe the art of falling
down.
Swellbow-Cooksie elbow syndrome, you
can tell how bad it is when you compare
one with the other.
Shinner-You don't know the meaning of
pain until you've shanked your shin bone.
Hipper-The full effects of this one won't be felt until
you reach about age thirty-five, and golf ball-shaped
cartilage is floating around inside your hip.
Toe Jam-When you see toenails sticking out of the tip
of your tennies you'll understand. Not to be confused
with Smucker's.
Ankle Bite-Achilles Faith Heeler. Like a heat-seeking
missile, your board hits the back of your heel, right on
target.
Percussive Skull Bongo-"How many fingers? What's
your name?" "Anybody seen my Bufferin?"
Nail Rip-Ever run over your own digit? Ever died and
come back to life?
Pizza Deck Shear-When grip tape becomes
a weapon, or the law of friction.
Take a walk on the wild side
Previous page: Christain Hosol takes wing
after an aborted air over the Torquay ramp
in Australia. Photo: Kevin Thatcher
This page: Joe Lopes upside-down over
coping in San Francisco.
Left: Chris Cook's raw meat will soon harden
into beef jerky.
Opposite page: What goes up must come down.
Chris Borst looks for a ramp after losing the
handle on a McTwist attempt.
Photos: Bryce Kanights.
Beef Jerky-A good scab is easy to find. Collect 'em,
trade 'em with your friends.
The Knee-Twist and shout with this most common of
sports injuries.
Face Plant-Look, ma, no hands. Instant cherry mug
after this slap.
Crotch Catcher-A 36" longboard versus a 32" inseam
could ruin a guy's chance for future offspring.
Finger Flap-Back-Finger joints bend toward the palm,
not the back of the wrist. Everybody knows that.
Gash-Action-Bloody before you know it, you can
tell where you fell by the red smears (or flesh) on
the ramp.
Ear Whacks-Just enough to ring your bell. Q-Tips can't
clean up this one.
Brain Damage-See Percussive Skull Bongo.
Ty Slide to High Side-A 180° slide to your backside
never fails to impress passers-by on the street.
Bar of Soap Theory-Or Bag of Marbles,
Banana Peel, etc. Ask dad to show you
this one.
Nail Driver-Thumb jam. Any basket-
ball player can tell you about the pain
involved.
Lock and Load-From an edge wheeler
to a change of underwear.
Tuck and Roll-Save your skin. And you
thought gymnastics was for Mary Lou.
Two Steps and a Dive-Faster than you can run
off. It's a common high speed downhill maneuver
for the beginning skater.
Double Whammy-Same time, same place, two
for two. Hey, you're battering 1.000!
Crowd Pleaser-A for effort, F for failure. You
knew the job was dangerous.
Kiss of Death-Hello. Teeth-to-teeth slam in the flat
bottom. See: snake session or doubles.
Rector Wear-Long term slide effects from those big
overhead bails. Your basic pad burn.
Wilson-See Bar of Soap Theory. Splitsville, except
you're not going anywhere.
Cheek Spreader-This original bun buster is one way
to cure those hemorrhoids.
Coping Rake-Below the belt and above the kneepad,
inner thigh meets well-ground coping lip.
Palmagranite-Headfirst dive; guaranteed you'll be
wearin' asphalt and rocks on your hands for the next
two weeks. This one takes months to heal.
Glam Slam Check me owwwww...t" Tell-tale signs:
lipstick marks and false eyelashes strewn about the
skating surface.
Skateboard's Revenge-Tracer bullet. Usually
preceded by cries of "BOARD!" or "LOOK OUT!" Tuck
into a ball, cover your head, kiss it goodbye.
And last but not least:
Psycho Therapy-You made it! At least that's what the
guys in the white coats were telling you while they
buckled up the straight jacket.
By the way, many of these injuries and the pain they
cause can be avoided by wearing full safety gear. That
means a helmet, elbow and knee pads, gloves, wrist
guards, shin guards, heel guards, shoulder pads, hip
pads, tail bone protection, gut belt, safety glasses,
hockey mask, mouthpiece, cup, and a mattress wrapped
around you and bound by bungie cords. If that's a little
uncomfortable you could always stay indoors and watch
videos. Well, at least wear the gloves and knee pads,
okay?
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