Skarfing
Material
with Chef-Boy-Am-1-Hungry
STEET SMUT
HUGHES
RAIN CHANGE THE TEARS
He steps off the Greyhound bus and sits
on a street bench in a strange town. He
sniffs at the air. It begins to rain. He knew
it would. Even as a boy he could smell the
rain coming. The distinct fragrance of the
still air, the way it felt on his face. Dogs will
start eating grass when they know it's go-
ing to rain. Though he is no dog, he too has
a sense for these things.
The rain is light so he chooses to sit and
feel the tiny droplets end their descending
journey on the flesh of his travel-weary face.
Having lived through a rough, full life, he's
seen his share of good and bad times. The
bad times outnumber the good, but the
good times, by far, outweigh the bad.
The smell of the fresh rain on the worn
street before him brings back another
memory, the one of the first girl he liked.
Oh, she was pretty, all right. To him she
was even beautiful. So beautiful, he felt, it
made him feel invisible. They were six years
old when he walked her home from school
that one day in the rain. Well, at least he
knew he was walking her home although
she did not. He walked with her from about
twenty paces back. To him, at the time, it
was as good as holding her hand in the
warm rain that May. The smell of fresh rain
on warm pavement filled his nostrils and he
promised himself he'd never forget that day,
nor the scent. Today, he is keeping his pro-
mise awake...he dreams in the day.
The rain holds many memories in its
showers.
The rain, sometimes, offers serene
pauses. Time to absorb some of the things
that take place beneath its deluge.
The rain falls through the hole in the roof
of an old house.
The rain seeps through the holes in a poor
man's shoes.
The rain cancels or postpones the
baseball game.
40
The rain turns the solid soil to
mucky-muck.
The rain contributes to a car accident on
the slick country road... Ah! This fleeting
thought strikes up another incident from the
childhood portion of his past once again.
It had just stopped raining, the clouds had
just parted and the sun had begun to
sparkle off the glistening earth.
The little boy stood looking out the front
window of the old green house in the coun-
try. He had just said goodbye to his daddy,
who was about to ride off on an old Triumph
motorcycle to buy him his favorite soda.
After kickstarting the metallic beast, his dad-
dy turned and waved to his son. The boy
waved back, smacking his lips because he
could already taste the soda pop his daddy
was about to fetch for him. He watched as
he roared off down the long driveway, then
covered his eyes in absolute horror when
his daddy could not negotiate the "T" at the
end of the rainsoaked driveway and was
hurtled through the air, across the country.
road, landing in a heap on the large stump
of a eucalyptus tree.
After the ambulance had taken his dad-
dy away, he walked the distance of the long
driveway, tracing the roar of the wild ride.
Coming upon the tree stump, he stared.
There, on its surface, lay the crushed cor-
pse of a six foot long diamond back rat-
tlesnake, which had made the unfortunate
mistake of choosing to sun itself on that
stump after the storm. His daddy had crush-
ed it when he landed.
Scanning the mangled body, he noticed
the rattle missing. One of the ambulance
attendants must've cut it off as a souvenir.
The boy felt angry, he thought that he
should have that particular rattle.
The boy looked up, the sun was gone, the
clouds were back, and it began to rain
again. The drops mixed with his tears. He
grabbed the snake and walked back to the
old green house. He was hungry for...
VENOM SURPRISE
INGREDIENTS
1 medium sized living King Cobra (Rattlers will
do. Sidewinders, Diamond Backs, take your pick.)
• 2 tbsp cooking oil
¼ cup soy sauce
1 cup mushrooms
1 cup water chestnuts
•1 cup bean sprouts
½ cup bamboo shoots
½ cup broccol
First off, you gotta conjure up the courage
to kill the Cobra. The easiest way I've found
is to start telling the serpent Ollie North
jokes. Once you get the thing laughing so
hard that it's practically crying, you sneak
up behind it, grab it by the neck, pull that
meat cleaver out of your back pocket and
chop off its head right below the Adam's ap-
ple. Don't skin the slithering creature. Just
cut it up into 1"x2"x12" strips. Take 10 oz.
of this meat and soak it in the soy sauce.
Put some oil in a pan, skillet or wok, heat
it up, toss in the 'bra and cook until it's the
same consistency of fish. Quick fry the veg-
gies in a separate pan. Toss veggies in the
snake meat and salt lightly, stir a bit, then
let simmer for approximately 3 minutes.
Serve. Note: Bile from the snake's stomach
can be saved and used as a quick remedy
for colds, flus or infections. Must be warm-
ed before ingesting.
If you haven't got the guts to deal with the
King Cobra or other venomous critters of
the same persuasion, substitute with
chicken, pheasant or a Comish game hen.
(Submitted by Segacious Lu from Beijing.
the Peoples Republic of China)
SERPENT SILLY SING-SING
Just one thing I gotta say, buy my Skarl-
ing Material t-shirts! My warrants are cat-
ching up to me and I need to stay free. So,
to keep the Chef from going to jail, send
$10.25 (postage and handling included) to
THRASHER Magazine/Save The Chef
Fund, P.O. Box 884570, San Francisco, CA
94188-4570. Order now, or you're gonna get
prison food recipes for the next 6-10 years.
VISION
STREET
WEAR