The guy handing me the beer is none
other than K.T., the M.C. of this bash. Now
this guy's got charisma, just like me: he'll
make a great nightclub act in a couple of
years. He charmed my wife so heavily that
she's passed out on the floor. I'll scrape her
up later..
So I'm still backstage and I'm seeing tri-
ple. There's Carlos Izan, Sam Fernando
and Lowboy. These are the guys I used to
see in Vegas after every one of my shows
and I see they're up to their same old
scams.
Now some nice, safe looking boys climb
on stage and start playing similar-sounding
music I'd heard from the previous band. No.
wait, it's different-there's this guy singing
and he looks like he's ready to rip open his
microphone with his bare teeth. I know
these guys. I used to book them in the
Bible Belt when I ran my famous Billy
Bitter Rock 'n Soul nightclub in Evanston,
Illinois. It's the Accused and they're still
playin' and bashin' just like the old days.
The crowd's loving it too and they're boun-
cing off the walls.
Two of the guys in the crowd I recognize
right away. The man with the perpetual
flash-C.R. Stecyk and cronie Bradley
Dorfman. Another pair I used to pal around
with in the old days. So they're taking in the
sounds while I pose for pictures-everyone
wants a Bitter autograph.
Accused are still making the crowd diz-
zy with musical force and I find my wife
securely attached to a couple of what some-
one said were "skate gods." I find out that
they are Chris Cook and Mark Gonzales.
Margarita is doing her best to get all over
them, but tehse guys want to do the circle
dance with everyone else. I save them from
my wife-bomb and call her a cab-she can
find her own way home. Now I need a
martini.
So I'm out in the crowd, looking for
another member for the Billy Bitter female
fan club. A band from north of the border
called Beyond Posession starts screaming
and bashing and generally creating
mayhem. Now this is Billy Bitter's type of
music. Those Canadians really know how
to do the rhumba tunes. The only thing is
that everyone's doing the rhumba in a cir-
cle and it looks more like football. So I step
in the middle and show off some of my really
fancy moves. Beyond Posession is puttin'
out the watts, the plants outside are wilting.
plaster's falling off the ceiling...their music
sounds like a runaway train in a one-way
tunnel to hell. Everyone in the band jumps
around, including the drummer-he can't
stop the beats.
So now I'm putting the moves on these
modern dancers and someone says that
there is a commotion at the door. A suave,
sophisticated guy and gal are making their
way to the main floor. From the dusty dance
Septic Death full tilt
Christ On Parade guest vocalist, Josh.
DECON
floor, I see my old boozing buddy Stacy Noah, Christ On Parade.
Peralta with girlfriend in tow. He looks like
royalty (just like I do...) and we chat for a
moment.
66
Now let's see, next was kinda unclear. I
was supposed to meet the master of the
aluminum casting world, Fausto. He was
backstage giving last minute instructions to
someone dressed in a skull mask. All of a
sudden, this big guy rushes past me and I
know just who it is. I remember back in my
beatnik days, I used to do the spoken word
thing with him. It's Skip Engblom and he's
goin' full steam. Skipper launches into
"Duke of Earl" and out of nowhere this guy
in a skull mask grabs a mike and starts
belting out the words. I can hardly believe
it! Finally a song that I can relate to.
So I'm standing on stage and the rest of
these skull guys come out. Wait a minute!
I used to play with these guys at the Den-
nis Banks Bar and Grill back in North
Dakota. They were my backup band and
went by the name of the "Shrill Mohawk
Five." I find out that they're now called the
Drunk Injuns. The band launches into my
old act! Of course, the crowd's goin' nuts,
plaster's fallin' off the walls and people are
bashing one another. Now I recognize the
singer-it's Joey and he's even brought the
champagne!
So the Injuns are about to go offstage and
I yell to them, "Hey, it's Billy, Billy Bitter,
let's do 'We Gotta Get Out of This Place"."
They start playing the intro just like the old
days. I make my way to center stage to
croon but I get dragged into the crowd and
it's a Billy Bitter free-for-all.
Picking myself up off the floor, the Injuns
are nowhere in sight-there's just this snap-
pily dressed chap doing some high speed
talking. He calls himself Skatemaster Tate
and he is in a vocal/rap frenzy. Hell, I used
to do an act like this-with backup singers
and everything. Anyway, he grooves along
for about ten minutes and I'm goin' nuts.
Do any of you remember the Billy Bitter
Heavy Metal Dude Ranch? I trained some
of the best-Ritchie Blackmore, Iron
Maiden and others including most of
Metallica. I'll be damned, look who's on
stage now but James Hetfield from
Metallica and he's introducing the next
band just like I taught him to back on the
BBHMDR.
But wait, the next band isn't metal, it's
Septic Death. The singer guy looks like a
terrorist with an eye problem. He got skulls
and stuff hanging and is real tall. Sorta
reminds me of myself when I was younger.
The band behind this guy grinds some of
the best I've heard. And vocals??? He's
belting out the words so fast and powerful
I gotta hold my ears. I gotta have these guys
for my next Billy Bitter "Tour of Central
Albania"-which by the way is going to kill
'em all.
So now I'm drained, the show's over and
all of the Farm's walls have fallen over and
1, Billy Bitter, go to the stage to finish the rest
of the crowd off. Most of them are lying in
a heap-too destroyed to move. I grab a
mike and start into "Mack The Knife"-they
all get up and leave. "Hey, I don't have to
take this!!!, where's my limo..."
DI
Clockwise from top left: Chewy Ac-
cused (Skate Rock t-shirt man), on
borrowed equipment, smashing his
after string-breakage. Tom Accused
thrusting. Drunk Injuns stage view
left. A man of psychotic facial contor-
tions, Ron Hadley, frontman, Beyond
Possession. Dana Accused.