DRULD
Skarfing
Material
U.S. GOVT.
CONTRAND
Ha, he tripped over his conscience, fell
and smashed a big hole in his face. "I
never do that again he said. Then he
turned around, stumbled over his stupidity
and made a better hole in his face. It was to
be a rough day for him, because he still had
bigotry, racism, sexism, religion, taxes, al-
coholism, traffic, women, money, a diet,
women and life to go. Some get a kick
from champagne, but his father prefers
sauteed chicken livers on the half shell.
Oh, sometimes this column is hard to get
started, so I have to mess around with this
pen for a bit. Make it form a bunch of
wrecklessly arranged words and hope I can
hem and haw myself into some sort of a
meaningful topic
"Another Chartreuse bartender! [SIDE
NOTE: CHARTREUSEE, A POTENT
LIQUER MADE BY SOME MONKS
SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE AND CAPA
BLE OF BURNING YOUR NOSE OFF.
LOSS OF MIND, WILD BINGES OF
CREATIVITY, IMAGINARY STRENGTH
AND A WORLD WAR III HANGOVER
DON'T EVER DRINK IT!-EDI
Now, where was I and what was I say-
ing?
Nothing. I haven't said one damn thing
yet and I'm running out of money.
Oh, I know, I was gonna add a bit of info
to last months bit on sugar Since sugar is
included in almost anything you buy (re-
member that the average yearly intake of
sugar in the USA these days, is roughly
around 120 pounds per person. We're talk-
ing a little over two pounds a week), you
should make a concentrated effort to read
10
Ready for VITAMIN C in an obscure bowling alley
somewhere in California. Skip Engblom and Terry
HARD ASS Nails
the labels of everything you buy. If there is
a listing on the product, remember that it
should be listed in a descending order of
volume. Now, the big important thing to re-
member here, is that the big corporations,
in a further attempt to screw you, are being
clever the way they list the ingredients. This
is done by listing the varieties of sugar, in
any given product, into a seperate column
from the few beneficial ingredients. Thus
creating the illusion that the product is a
healthy one, when it really isn't. Be carefull
No matter what, if you're good or bad,
you're always gonna get screwed.
"Hey Ralph, another CHARTREUSE
In my hand, my head whips back, "Ow,
my nosel
Now all you lovers of sweets are saying.
"Hey dude, go to hell, suck rocks and fly to
Mars! I like sweets and I'm gonna stick to
my hardcore sugar diet!
"Well, you weenies can go to hell be-
cause there's a way to satiate your piddly
desires, and also consume beneficial,
healthful ingredients. Words like molasses,
maple syrup, date sugar and raw, natural,
unpolluted honey come to mind. The words
are PURE!
HONEY, I'M HOME!
Yeah babes, the best sweetener you can
use. This 'good' contains protein, vitamin
C, the B vitamins, nine of the ten essential
amino acids, potassium and phosphorus
Ancient Olympic athletes ate honey for its
energy and endurance properties. Its been
used to reduce the effects of drunkenness,
it mellows out sore throats and is an enemy
to hay fever.
Do yourself a favor creeps, replace
sugar with honey in your daily usage, in
recipes, use 50%-70% the amount you
would've normally used of refined sugar,
Bab
Why is it that when you walk through a
field, or, are near a grassy area, or on your
front lawn, there's always a couple of
swarms of gnats and there's always only
one that tries to fly up your nose or try to
land in the corner of your eye? Then, when
you kill it, another one, just one, takes its
place? Here's a good recipe for: GNAT PIE
For this, ya gotta get some pastry for a
double crust pie (These are a tuffy, so you
might want to either: 1) balls it out, 2) ask
mommy or daddy for help, or, 3) sit this out
pick your nose and eat that.), about a big
handful of chopped nuts, six double big
handfuls of raisins, a small handful of
honey (you might want to use 5-7 tables-
poons instead), around a cup of fruit juice.
seven good pinches of ground lemon rind,
about a mouthful of lemon juice (you might
want to use around three tablespoons in-
stead) and a half-a-handful of wheat flour.
Before you start anything, the very first
thing you do is to tie a blue armband around
your left forearm as a symbol of your out-
rage towards the treatment of the victims of
apartheid in South Africa. Then you have to
stand on a 13" high stool to cook this. You
hafta, or else you can't play, O.K.? O.K.
To make the GNAT GUTZ, throw the
raisins into a pan, with such a velocity, that
they won't fly out the other side, then add
the juice, cover the pan, and cook for about
ten minutes, or until the raisins get really,
fat. Drip in the honey, drop the flour over
the top and stir constantly over a low heat,
for one minute, until it gets like the LaBrea
Tarpits, all thick and bubbly. Take the pan
off the fire, mix in your chopped nuts along)
with the lemon juice and rind. Put your
rolled out pie crust into a pie pan, pour the
GNAT GUTZ into the pie pan, put the top
crust over the filling and seal the edges by
squeezing it or something. Cut graffitti like
slices into the top so steam can escape
Throw the pie into the oven and bake for
about 30-40 minutes at about 425 degrees.
When it's done, let it cool, and then eat it
when you can handle it. Enjoy if possible.
Now remember this, Chef Boy still loves
you all, even though most of you are pigs
EX
your
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