Skarfing
Material
with Chef-Boy-Am-I-Hungry
รัสเซวรยกร
"Live long, skate strong." A picture of health in his heyday, Doctor Blackhart
edges out a tribute to the champagne of bottled waters, Perrier.
"LOOK JOE. THOUSAND BUSSES, IN A ROW."
"NO JOE, THEM ARE TRUCKS."
"WHAT'S IN 'EM?"
"COWS AND DUCKS."
...and so this guy grabs me by the neck
and screams, "Hey you son of a bitch! What
time is it?" I shoved the end of my Perrier
into his gut, grabbed the collar of his Izod
before I briefly blacked out. The guy
thought I was a deadman, so he dropped
me. I landed in my salad, and began hack-
ing on the cottage cheese that had shoved
its way up my nostrils. Couldn't draw air
though 'em and a couple peach slices stuck
to my neck. The guy's standing there, think-
ing he's a murderer when I spring back into
action and clip him, sending us both into an
ESPRIT gang. The white wine flew. Having
the advantage by landing on top, I jumped
up and began stomping on his fingers with
my topsiders, totally crushing his manicure.
He was face down now, so I planted my
knee into his back, grabbed his Matt Dillon
styled hair, and pulled the rolled up copy of
G.Q. from my back pocket, then clobbered
him back and forth upside the ears, "I don't
have a watch!" I battered him some more,
then let his hair go, his face went "smash,"
onto the "indoor-outdoor" carpet. I tore off
his Vuarnets, which were leashed around
his neck, removing the leash, shoving the
specs into the little pocket on my stylishly
new wave splatter day glo drawstring
pants. I tied his left wrist, behind his back,
to his right ankle. He just lay there, hog-tied
with sushi on his forehead, and smashed.
oyster on his chin. I went back to my table
and ordered a double "Unagi-Nigiri" and
two Perriers. Which, by the way, brings us
to the theme of this month's column.
LIQUIDS AND STUFF!
"Hey Cheffie, how-zit goin? Good!
Couple days ago, me and some friends had
a rad session goin' on at an indoor ramp.
That night we went to Ted's house for a few
days while his parents were gone, and had
a party. I was involuntarily made the bar-
tender. Well, later that night, everyone was
getting drunk off their ass, and I was getting
a little pissed because I wasn't. So, I de-
cided to have a couple drinks or 3, or 4, or
10. Then Pete came up to me and said,
"give me a drink." Well, he had to drive
home, so I decide to make him a glass of
something without any booze in it. I thought
you might be interested in how it tasted, so
I decided to give you the recipe, and maybe
you'd put it in your Skarfing Material sec-
tion.
You take a glass and fill it % way with
orange juice and the other 2 with coke or
Pepsi. Add a little milk, and if you have
some whipped cream, put that on top and
mix it in. Presto!!! You have the grossest
looking glass of stuff you've ever seen, but
it tastes rad. Thanx. If you don't print this,
try it yourself. You'll like it."
Eat or be eaten
J.D.
San Jose, CA
WATER YOU WANT?
You eat it, swim in it, fish mate in it, shit in
it, brush your teeth with it...what is it?
Water of course, what do you think?
Yes, the most abundant fluid. What's it
really all about? What do you really know
about the water you drink? Here's some
Pros and Cons....
PROS
CONS
Almost always free. Colourless
Ever flowing. • Odorless
Swim, bathe in it.
Tasteless
No calories
(no energy)
According to our beloved U.S. Govern-
ment, over 50% of common "tap-water"
fails to meet the standards laid out for "tap-
water" contents. The purification process of
tap water introduces twenty to sixty new
chemicals into the water we use, i.e., cop-
per, lead, nickle, manganese, gasoline,
D.D.T., Sodium Flouride, Chlorine. Ob-
serve:
Sodium Flouride (rat poison)-used in
water to kill micro-organisms and on-
zymes, causes or intensifies allergies and
can also cause kidney, liver or thyroid dam-
age.
Chlorine (bleach)-destroys cells and
helps speed up the body's aging process.
STONED ON WATER
At birth, a baby is 75% water. By the age
of 30, the water volume has dropped to
55%. Where did the water go? If you must
know, it was replaced by an accumulation
of precipitated minerals. By simply drinking
tap water, inorganic sedimentary minerals
are deposited in the blood, lymph vessels,
and eliminative organs. It's impossible for
your body to get rid of this build-up of inor-
ganic matter. If it weren't for the elimination
process, by the average age of 40, there'd
be enough inorganic matter (almost stone)
built up in the system to become a statue.
Distilled water is preferable over tap
water for drinking and cooking reasons.
Since minerals aren't found in distilled
water, its use can reduce a person's cal-
cium intake greatly. Thus, another good
reason to be taking a vitamin and mineral
supplement.
So, always remember this, if you yawn,
sneeze, burp, hiccup, fart, cough and
throw-up all at the same moment, more
than likely, you'll die. Hey, happy eating.
THER
huh!
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