Skarfing
Material
GIMME A LIGHT...
A KRYPTO-LITE
with
Chef-Boy-Am-l-Hungry
S.O.S.
This is not what it
really looks like
I remember, it was a rainy day in Laos, or
Cambodia. I don't remember which, but, it
sure was pourin' "L.A.M.F." Me and my
buddy "Shotgun" had just come back from
a seven day recon patrol, in which our
group sustained light casualties. I was al
medic back then, and didn't take part in any
actual killing, although our group did get
five enemy KIA's. But that's not the point
now, that was a long time ago, in a silly
police action (ask your moms and dads for
details). Anyway, so there I was, me and
Shotgun, both hungrier than P.O.W.'s in an
empty boat. Shotgun had some mail, so he
opened it, looked at some pictures of his
family at Thanksgiving, while we sat in
jungle rotted boots, he's got diarrhea and I
just found a leech on my butt. You know,
happier than you could think. We tip-toed
over to the mess tent, happy to be alive and
thinking about Jimi Hendrix or somethin'..
Us, a couple of dog faced jarheads, both
just barely eighteen, and the cook slops
some gurg onto our plates. Something we
affectionately called "Shit On A Shingle," or
S.O.S. Well, back then, this type of crap
was a welcome sight after nine months of
patching your buddies arms, legs, guts and
fingers together. S.O.S. is a sort of gorp-
type stew, unceremoniously poured over
toast. This time it consisted of a few, rather
unidentifiable, contents from basic rations,
but it was warm and sat in the gut like a two
pound log.
So here, for the first time in any interna-
tional publication, I will present to you, the
KILLER recipe for the basics of Shit on A
Shingle;
BASIC INGREDIENTS (You will need a
small saucepan)
Cornstarch or flour (note: the flour tends to
get lumpy, so cornstarch is preferred). If
you're real lazy, just get a can of "cream of
mushroom" or "cream of chicken!"
• Butter
-Milk
Can of tuna, leftover chicken or turkey meat,
chipped beef or tofu type stuff, etc.
Canned or fresh peas
- Bread
O.K. dunderheads, it goes something
like this: Ya heat up about 2 cups of milk in
your saucepan (don't boil it or you're an
idiot) and add about a slab and a half of but-
ter. O.K. have you gotten this far without
falling down you load-bellied-imbecilic-
butt-wipers? O.K. NOW, take two tables-
poons of your cornstarch (or flour) material,
and slowly add to the milk while stirring.
The mixture will build up to a thick level of
consistency, personally I think the creamier
the better. Add more cornstarch if you want
it thicker or more milk if you want it thinner.
(If you chose the canned cream of mush-
room, etc. route, start reading here.)
Add to this mixture, your peas, tuna
(drained), chicken etc., what-have-you,
brick-or-brac, and heat until it's good and
hot. While you're waiting for this dish-
washer looking crap to heat, ya slam a
couple pieces of toast into the toaster. If
you don't got a toaster, don't stress-out!
Get a fork, stick it into the bread through the
crust, and roast it like a marshmallow over
a flame on the stove, until it starts looking
like toast. Fling the toast onto a plate and
spoon your swamp-goop-crapola over the
toast. YUMI
CASUALTIES: One burnt fork, one dirty
plate and one dirty saucepan. A victory!
POPCORN
O.K. So the S.O.S. recipe wasn't down
your alley. Well, here's an alternative for
you panty-waist-runny-nosed-snot-flin-
gers. I like to call this the "NO-BRAIN-NO-
PAIN" meal for the blind-deaf, and dumb.
Others simply call it "POPCORN." Pop-
corn, America's favorite movie theatre
snack, is just as good, if not better, when
you eat it at home. One thing about movie
house popcorn is that it's consistent, al-
ways heavy on the butter, and the salt.
Making it at home is fast and nutritious. All-
you need is some oil, some sort of pan with
a lid, and some popping com. Read the in-
structions for recommended doses and
start popping. When it's finished popping
try a handful plain. Kind of Blaah, huh?
Whoah, don't shovel on that salt, try some
parmesan cheese. Now, when's the last
time you had HOT-CHEESED POPCORN
at home? Hey, it ain't bad dudes (dudet-
tes). I'm sure you traditionalists still crave
the old faithful butter and salt. If so, go
ahead and add a little bit, just keep in mind
that butter and salt make this a much more
fattening snack. Although this shouldn't
bother you if you're a hyper-active skater
type, but in those armchair skateboarder
years to come, just remember that this is
the stuff blood clots and heart attacks are
made of.
EAT OR DIE!
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KRYPTONICS
Kryptonics, Inc
5660 Central Ave.
Boulder, CO 80301
303/442-9173
Telex 45-4432