THE
ADVENTURES
OF SHRED
& BETTY
by Erika
cked into fear
and loathing...
EPISODE VI:
THE TRAGIC OONCLUSION
Boom-Boom Daddy has plunged
Shred and Betty deep into skate-
space. They were out among the stars
chasing their dreams through territory
that had no surface-no top, no bol-
tom; Shred did a hand-plant off a wan-
dering asteroid and remained inverted
It looked like a gigantic round pool
viewed from above, an Earth pool as
seen from the window of a 747; it was
black and shiny and smooth on the
sides and there was a hole in the bot-
tom that looked something like a pool
drain, but was actually a tunnel lead
ing to...we'll get to that in a minute.
Boom-Boom Daddy approached
the edge; Shred and Betty followed
close behind, awed by the immense-
ness of the hole that dwarfed Boom-
Boom Daddy, giving him the propor
tion of a stick of Trident gum dangling
in front of a bass drum. With the
sparks effervescing like mad, he did a
fakie into the hole and disappeared.
Betty followed with a shooting acid-
drop into the depths, and Shred, with
stupendous inspiration, carved the
entire edge before doing a layback
strobe into the glistening interior of
The Black Hole. Once inside, they
were sucked deeper into the bowl by
the vaccuum that is the very definition
of a Black Hole; the three skaters
gyroed around like wayward bits
of cosmic debris, up and down
the slick sides, crossing in and
out with each other, rockin' 'n'
rollin' at velocious speeds. The
mouth of the hole was suddenly
illuminated by a
great ball of
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way
to go
for twenty minutes. Betty ex-
perimented with weightless maneuv-
ers through a belt of glittering cosmic
dust. Boom-Boom Daddy led the way,
a shower of multi-colored sparks
streaming out behind his deck like a
beacon lighting the way; he was tak-
ing them to his Secret Spot: the most
intense bowl better known as the
Black Hole.
flaming space refuse-broken satel-
lites, burned-out rockets, sewage,
time capsules that had been ejected
into space by NASA. So this is the real
purpose of Black Holes, thought
Shred; they just suck whatever's float-
ing around inside like a Ronco Air
Purifier. Aside from that, they were all
in immediate danger of being run over
by a burning ball the size of a small
planet that was rolling toward them
with increasing momentum. Shred
and Betty looked to Boom-Boom
Daddy for guidance, and followed his
rocketing board down, down, down
into the tunnel...
Cha-Cha, Sheisskpf, and Mrs.
Druid landed like bean-bags in the
livingroom at Groont's and Thurka's,
who continued dancing as if nothing
unusual had happened-people and
things often dropped in unexpectedly
around dinner time. The three travel-
ers sat in terrified silence and stared.
The music ended.
"Oh Groont!" said Thurka, That
was just marvy! We haven't rotored to-
gether like that for eons!"
"I know why, too; I'm out of breath!"
said Groont, taking his pocket air-sup-
ply canister out of his celophane suit
for a big whiff. Thurka noticed the
guests.
"Groont, are these friends of
yours?"
"No; I thought they were your
friends..."
"My friends don't look like that."
Cha-Cha, confronting her fear and
encouraged by the fact that these two
bizarros spoke English, blurted,
"Where the hell are we?"
Realizing that the newcomers were
foreigners, Thurka tried to be
friendlier.
"You're in Yurdink. Did you come in
on the shuttle?"
Cha-Cha gave her companions a
chance to speak up, but Sheisskopf
sat motionless with his eyes like cue-
balls, and Mrs. Druid just stared at no-
thing in particular. So Cha-Cha con-
versed.
"Yurdink, huh? Is that in Hungary?"
"You're hungry? Dinner should be
ready..."
No...I mean are we in Hungary?"
"I don't know what you're talking
about."
"Hungary." said Groont, "It's a coun-
try on Earth, isn't that right?
"On Earth?! Where else would it
be?" Cha-Cha was alarmed.
"Oh dear Groont! They must be
aliens! What we do?!"
Thurka remembered the recent Pic-
toNews story on the mechanical
monsters that crazed Earthians were
setting loose in their little corner of the
galaxie to collect rocks; Yurdinkians
were advised not to venture above-
ground.
"I'm no alien-none of us are!
We're from Leftover, California, and
as far as I know that's on Earth but I
wanna know where we are now!"
Thurka had retreated from the
aliens and stood behind Groont, leav-
ing him to do the talking.
"Yurdink is the community you're in,
and Yurdink is on the orb Cendrubnia,
the seventh orb in the urban belt of
Neptune."
"Oh, swell; that's a big help. The
only thing you said that makes any
sense is Neptune."
Volcan and Demoll, hearing the vol-
ces, came into the livingroom; Sheiss-
kopf blinked and came out of his
trance.
There," said Groont, that's much
better. Now what's the big fuss?"
Boom-Boom Daddy jumped to his
feet, and before anyone had a chance
to stop him, he psychically attacked
Demoli, imbolizing his brain so that he
went limp and sat drooling like an
Demoli saw the alligator in Cha- idiot-child. Thurka began to cry:
THAT'S THEM! THOSE ARE THE
TWO KIDS I PICKED UP LAST
NIGHT!
Cha's hand.
"AND THAT'S MY ALLIGATORI
he said.
His eyes began to turn steely and
the alligator twitched. Mrs. Druid, with
head bowed and lips moving inaudi-
bly, recited a private holy litany
against disaster...
Our hero, heroine, and Boom-
Boom Daddy were sucked through
the tunnel like water down a drain; the
fireball was close behind them, but it
was beginning to break up, bits of it
disintegrating into ash. The tunnel got
narrower the farther they went until
there was just enough room for their
heads to clear as they swirled around
the now 12-foot diameter of the tun-
nel. Betty, scrunched down on her
board, hugged her knees, her eyes
tightly squinted shut against the zing-
ing pieces of burned rubble that they
skated through at speeds attained at
The Indy 500. Shred had his hands on
his head, the fingers interlocked to
form a shield that would be pulverized
if they hit the side of the tunnel. Boom-
Boom Daddy had his helmet on, his
protective suit and boots, and looked
like a wad of aluminum foil. They
raced down the tunnel faster and fas-
ter, approaching the bottom where
they emerged like buck-shot into a
cold air-stream that carried them to
the outer limits of the solar system;
they sped along in a frigid wind, pelted
by hunks of frozen molecules; clouds
of ice surrounded them. As they whip-
ped along they left trails of water that
solidified almost instantly into sheets
of clear ice. The colors were cool-
light blue frosted with wisps of white;
an occasional splash of pale fuscia
and aquamarine spread out beneath
them reaching to infinity and a deep
purple void. At the end of the air-
stream, they hit a new atmosphere,
mostly made of oxygen, nitrogen and
various breathable gasses-but that
was only transitory, from that jolting
reality; they slid into a cement shaft
and went deep into the core of Cen-
drubnia. They emerged in the hot-bed
of activity, Groont's and Thurka's
livingroom; an argument was going
full bore...
Cha-Cha had thrown the alligator at
Demoli, who stood reeling, about to
pass out; Thurka was yelling hysteri-
cally about uncivilized aliens and the
questionable condition of her son;
Sheisskopf was hollering that they
should find the alligator, which had
ricocheted off Demolli's head into one
of the speaker cones; Mrs. Druid re-
peated over and over in a high
squeaky voice, "This isn't happening.
This isn't happening!"; Groont was
pleading loudly for everyone to calm
down, and they did as soon as Shred,
Betty and Boom-Boom Daddy plop-
ped down in the room. Groont didn't
notice the arrival of the new group,
and thought everyone had quieted
down because of his persuasive yel-
ling for peace.
You've killed him
Sheisskopf spotted the alligator-
its tail gleamed suspiciously from a
speaker cone. He grabbed it just as
Shred noticed who was in the room.
"Mom!" he yelled in astonishment,
and Mrs. Druid ran to embrace him.
Cha-Cha and Betty crawled across
the floor and threw their arms around
each other:
"Betty, honey, what the hell kind of
mess did you get yourself into now?"
Tell ya later, Mom, we gotta get
outta here. Where's the alligator? The
alligator was starting it's magical
temperature tricks in Sheisskop's
hand. The group of Earthians huddled
together just as the metamorphosis
began, accompanied by the ensuing
verbal attacks that Groont and Boom-
Boom Daddy hurled at each other...
That no-good spawn of yours cop-
ped my gator, dad! The fruit of your
loins is a rotten peach, a severely
negative life form bellowed Boom-
Boom Daddy.
"Who are you to hand out punish-
ment? To decide the fate of others?"
"Because, Jack, I am Boom-Boom
Daddy!"
The five Earthians were beginning
to disappear, beginninng a long jour-
ney back to Terra Firma that raced ac-
ross light years of miles in moments.
Volcan ran to the disembodied group,
calling to Shred:
"S'arret! Wait for mee, Shred! Betty!
Two hands materialized from the
shimmering mass of energy, from
arms that appeared to be attached to
nothing at all, but were, in fact, at-
tached to Shred and Betty, reaching
out to Volcan across a spectrum of
light years. Volcan grabbed them and
began his migration back to Earth.
As the visitors from another planet
far, far away sped homeward, Groont
and Boom-Boom Daddy were locked
in a head-to-head debate over the
meaning of life, the validity of morality,
the responsibilities one person has to
all of humanity, death, afterlife,
whether the usnic stew had enough
seasoning, what to do with Demoli if
he was resuscitated/what to do with
the body if he wasn't, and whether or
not they should open the bottle of vin-
tage wizencherry cider. Thurka turned
on the PictoTube to watch the news.
So everyone's where they belong...
But are they happy? We can only
assume; hopefully Thurka's soak-
ing up news of aliens in her own
background, Groont & Boom-
Boom Daddy are enjoying their
cider and their existential conver-
sation, and our Earth-friends are
having a bar-b-que on the patio
while Shred & Betty entertain their
French guest in the thoroughly
skatable pool-Sheiskopf's un-
doubtedly swappin' lies over cof-
fee at Duncan's Donuts, and you
know no one's gonna believe this
story.
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