THE ADVENTURES OF SHRED
& BETTY
6-30-00
WILLING WONDER WORKER Helps teen-agers
Yes-the right answer to your problem
MAYBE...
A TRAP AND A CATCH:
NEVER NEVER
NEVER
Last filled in 1957
STOP
y Erika
EPISODE V
Cha-Cha Mulcahey and Louise Druid sat star-
ing at Sargeant Sheisskopf like two voo-doo
dolls. The fantastic explanation of the whereab
outs of their offspring was just too...fantastic; it
was beyond belief, but, worse, if it was true, well,
what's a mother to do?
"So help me, ladies, I swear to you that's the
truth, the whole story." Mrs. Druid twisted her
wedding ring anxiously, "I think we should call
the FBI.
"Don't you mean The Great Zamboni? Sounds
like a lot of abracadabra to me," said Cha-Cha
"You really expect us to swallow that story, Sar-
geant?" The old cop sighed and his jowly head
dropped to his chest. "No, I don't expect you to
believe it, but it's the truth and I have nothing
else to offer." Mrs. Druid sniffled, Cha-Cha
stared at a vacant chair, and the Sargeant
looked out the window; they all considered the
flimsy facts. Cha-Cha decided that of the three of
them, she was most capable of organizing some
sort of procedure; Sheisskopf was ineffectual
and depressed, and Mrs. Druid was dissolving
right before her eyes. Strong leadership was
needed.
"Okay you two," said Cha-Cha, rising from her
seat, "before we call in re-inforcements, we need
to do a little investigating of our own. The first
thing we need to do is look for clues, and the best
place to start is in that cell."
Spurred
Cha-Cha's momentum,
Sheisskopf and Mrs. Druid followed her into the
cell.
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away...
Shred and Betty were about to gasp their last
bulging
and
puffed cheeks, they stared at each other and
considered their immiment death, two goldfish in
the empty aquarium of life...suddenly, from out
of the cosmos, a strange looking craft just sort of
appeared right in front of them with a long tubular
proboscis that sucked them into a resuscitation
vat filled with styrofoam balls that buffeted them
with currents of warm air, restoring their vigor
and their sluggish frozen circulation.
In the time it takes to say Skate And Destroy.
a timer went off, signaling that the vat's contents
were done, and Shred and Betty were ejected
like two slices of toast. They landed at a chrome
dinette where a weird-looking gismo, operated
by a very ordinary man, was spitting out food pel-
lets that hit the table and ballooned into balanced
meals.
"Hey-hey kiddies, time to chomp some chow,
like dig in, Jack 'n' Jill
Betty looked at her plate distrustfully; okay, so
it looked like roast beef, but it could be radioac-
tive or something, it might eat her, or her fork. It
might even be poison..
"I ain't eatin' this stuff. My mother always told
me 'never put anything in your mouth you don't
know where it's been."
"Yeah, well, you can't even be sure what it is,
let alone where it's been," said Shred, pushing
his food around on the plate. "No offense," he
said to the man.
1 dig your riff, dad; no sweat. I caught the
whole act from scene one."
Shred looked at Betty with suspicion in his
eyes. Another person with super powers...they
didn't stand a chance. The man read their minds.
"Hey you hipsters, knock me your lobes! I ain't
here to lay you out! I am your buddy-cat, straight
and in front."
"I don't feel like I can trust anyone around
here," said Betty.
"Me either, not after what Demoli and Volcan
did to us, and they were supposedly our friends."
"Yeah!" said Betty, ready for combat. "Why
should we believe you? We don't even know who
you are! For all we know, we're your prisoners!"
The man leaned back in his chair and folded his
arms. He gave them a penetrating look and then
leaned toward them, conspiratorily.
"Like I laid the story on you, I'm solid. Lemmy
lay a stiffer riff on you two, like, show you I'm in
the same canoe. Dig the Mister Ed on that De-
moli cat: I laid on him his first stick, I hipped him
to skatin' as only I, Boom-Boom Daddy, the rip-
pin'est cat to ever cut the cosmos, can. Then the
cat lifts my little alligator statuette laid on me by
my buddy-cat in the Edge Patrol! Like Thank
you! And the last I sounded on Demoll, he had
blown the galaxy! Shot his crazy deck to Earth
BOOM-BOP-A-DOOM!
and
Springtime In Paris!
It's
"So that's where that alligator came from!"
said Betty, jumping up from the table, surprising
Shred who was just about to take a bite of food,
his hunger having bumped caution off the boat.
"My wig flips, kitty! I
been
grilled, twilled, and billed by that backwater De-
moll cat, and you hip
to the whereabouts of my Hoodoo Gator!"
Boom-Boom Daddy leaped out of his chair
with joy oozing from every pore. He danced over
to a closet and pulled out three intense
extraterrestral skatedecks.
me
"Slam that chow! Let's rip the star belt and
book over to Demoli's pad-my little Hoodoo
Gator has come home to Daddy!"
Demoli's parents, Groont and Thurka, were
expanding Volcan's musical knowledge by play-
ing him a few selections from their microchip
music library.
This is one of my favorite pieces," said
Groont. "It's called 'Frip Your Zinkle' by the Zir-
conium Infinitette. Remember this one, my little
wizzkink?" he said to Thurka.
"How could I forget...you were playing it on
the old aero disc the night Demoli was con-
ceived. It certainly brings back memories..."
Volcan and Demoli were sitting on sort-of-a-
couch underneath the speakers-clusters of
tuba-shaped projections and clarinet-like cones,
creating an impression of a marching band
crashing through the wall.
"Eenteresting music..." Volcan said to Demoli
"Reminds me of an American record I heard
once called 'Song of Ze Humpback Whale'."
"I think it stinks. Parents can be so uncool. I
wish we'd eat; I'm starved. HEY MOM!
WHEN'RE WE GONNA EAT?"
Groont and Thurka were rotoring around the
livingroom engrossed in some exotic-looking
dance, having a happy time.
"Dem, starling, why don't you go check the
stew for me? If it's not done yet, shoot it with the
microwave gun and we'll eat when this song's
over," said Thurka as she danced.
Demoli sighed with exasperation and shook
his head. "Parents," he said to Volcan. They
never grow up, do they? C'mon out to the kitchen
with me."
Volcan followed Demoli into the kitchen. It was
a sterile-looking room, and the stove was barely
recognizable as such; the burners stuck out from
a wall like fat spatulas surrounded by glass bub-
bles. Demoli opened a bubble and held his hand
over a boiling pot.
"I think it's ready to eat. Wanna hand me a
spoon?"
Volcan looked around and saw the utensils
hanging
the wall. He
grabbed an over-size chrome spoon, and, push-
ing a spatula aside, proceeded to take it from its
hook. He handed it to Demoll, who stuck it in the
pot and took a taste.
"My mom may be weird, but she's a good.
cook. She won a prize for this usnic stew recipe.
Actually, it's my dad's recipe; he's good at think-
ing up what to put in, he just can't cook it. Here.
Have a taste."
Volcan hesitated.
"Oh c'mon! It's usnic! You Frenchies eat goose
liver that's been beaten to death in a Quisinart,
and underground fungus dug up by pigs! This
isn't any weirder than that!"
"Eet's strange, foreign."
"So's Chicken McNuggets. C'mon, open
wide!"
Volcan closed his eyes and opened his mouth
about one inch and Demoli shoved the spoon in.
Well, my tongue hasn't burned up, he thought,
and he tasted it. His eyes opened in surprise and
he licked hs lips, nodding his head.
"Excellent. Il a du goût. C'est bon. Comme la
truffe."
"See? I knew you'd like it. Il get my parents
in here and we can eat."
Cha-Cha, Louise, and Sargeant Sheisskopf
walked into the cell. On the floor, surrounding the
burn hole, were a pair of Independent trucks;
four ravaged wheels dangled inertly in a pile of
urethane parings. Papers were strewn
everywhere from the over-turned file cabinets,
and the entire police station looked as if it had
been hit by a cyclone. The cell, as superficially
observed by the threesome, yielded no bold
clues.
"Time to get on our hands and knees and paw
through this mess," said Cha-Cha, dropping to
the floor. Louise and the Sargeant joined her.
"If nothing else," said Sheisskopf, "I get
some of these papers picked up."
As they rummaged through the debris, Louis
found something.
"Look!" she said, "This is Shred's screwdriver!
He made it with his own hands in metal shop!"
and she started to fill up with tears thinking of the
son she may never see again.
Louise, don't stop now! Keep looking, and
who knows: you may find Shred.
The Sargeant ifted another piece of paper
from the floor and uncovered...
"Mrs. Mulcahey, take a look at this-
In his hand was-you guessed it-the al-
ligator, in all its shimmering glowing glory. No
one-including the alligator-had any idea that a
small segment of the outer space populace was
going bug-nutto over a slightly unorthodox cof-
fee-table adornment. Ah, but innocence is a tem-
porary condition!
"What the heck is that?" said Cha-Cha, grab-
bing the gator. "Looks like something that fell off
a coffee-table or something."
Louise Druid got up off the floor to look at the
object.
"My!" she exclaimed, "It looks like some sort of
Pre-Cambrian artifact. What in the world is it
doing here?"
"Louise, your blazing wit has struck again,"
said Cha-Cha. "Any ideas, Sargeant?"
The Sargeant turned the alligator over in his
hands and shook his head, "No, unless one of
the kids snuck it in last night, which is pretty
doubtful."
As the threesome stared at the alligator, its
glow intensified and it emitted a low, barely audi-
ble hum.
"Hey, this thing's getting a little warm," said the
Sargeant
"Probably from holding it," said Cha-Cha.
In minutes, the alligator was humming heavy
and glowing like a mini Aurora borealis; it pulsed
as if alive...
"Sargeant Sheisskopf! Do something!"
screamed Mrs. Druid hysterically. The Sargeant
dropped the alligator on the floor, "Christ that
thing's some kinda hot!" and it sizzled on the
linoleum, sending a thin trickle of acrid black
smoke upward.
"That explains the burn hole!" said Cha-Cha
No sooner were the words out of her mouth,
when the disembodying process of demoleculari-
zation began. They were on their way to deep
space, embarking on a stellar expedition that
would be their biggest clue to this mystery...
WHAT'S THIS? SPACE-TRAVEL ON THE
FAMILY PLAN? IS THERE ENOUGH USNIC
STEW FOR THREE MORE AT GROONT'S
AND THURKA'S? WILL BOOM-BOOM DADDY
REVEAL THE PRIME SKATE SPOT TO SHRED
AND BETTY? GET HIPPED TO THE SOLID
RIFF LAID DOWN NEXT MONTH (THAT AIN'T
NO JIVE, JACK).
15