Now!
YOUR
THEATRE
OF
the movie to Flee
Squeal, Grunt, Snap, and Bark
THE WORLD
Do you see?
THE ADVENT
RES OF SHRED & BETTY
Who will live?
Who will die?
Who will decide?
by Erika
EPISODE IV
Shred and Betty were having a blast, lost in
cosmic skate reverie carroming around the
interior of the Nebulae Mall like magical
stunt-cars; the only limitations were that of their
imagination
"WAAH-000000" shrieked Betty, zipping
along the ceiling with sparks trailing out behind
her like stars, Shred swooped up from the floor
and grabbed her dangling hands; they rocketed
to the wall; Shred went up, Betty came down,
and they headed back in the opposite direction
with Shred upsidedown on the ceiling and Betty
hanging down, like circus acrobats preparing for
a death-defying triple summersault with no net.
Shred and Betty needed no net-or so they
thought; as far as they knew, these space-
boards were powered by mind control-their
mind control. They had no idea that their lives
were hanging on the diabolical whim of Demoli,
the apparently docile French-speaking space
wizard; they put their faith in their decks and
their abilities, as true skaters will, innocent of the
possibility that Demoll-at any moment-could
drop them from their fifty-foot height like water
balloons and splatter them across the blinking
incandescent floor....
Demoli and Volcan leaned against a quartz
column and watched the aerial show as they
planned their next move.
"Demoli, if we get reed of Shred and hees
girlfriend, we can retum to Earth wees ze
alligator. Weesout zem, we can do what we
want."
"I know that. The problem is how to get rid of
them."
"Drop zem! Boom!"
"Oh sure, 'drop zem.' You queeb! The mall
prefect would have the litter squad on us like
that, we'd be locked up in the cryonics vault
forever after making a mess like that."
"I deedn't theenk of zat."
"Of course not; you're French, you think of
everything else but the actual situation."
"Demoli, I must eenseest zat you cease your
disparaging remarks about my nationality. After
all, who came to ze rescue when you were
impaled on Le Tour Eiffel when you first came to
Earth?"
"Don't remind me. Anyway, let's get back to
the issue at hand-or rather the issues at hand.
The alligator, and those kooky kids."
Shred and Betty were shooting the huge
chrome tube, whirling like blender-blades on the
move. The cannon-like mouth of the immense
pipe aimed toward the center of the mall and an
opposing wall that opened out into the stellar
void-a delivery entrance whose gull-wing door
could be easily activated by the demonic
you-know-who.
Volcan directed Demoll's attention to the
propinquity of said door and whirling skaters.
Zat ees ze answer to our problem!" said Volcan,
"Cast zem eento space and let zem suffocate!
Wees no mess at all!"
Demoli considered. "I think you might be right,
for once."
With Shred and Betty en-tubed doing that
which didn't require Demoll's telekinetic aid, he
was able to turn his mind fully to raising the
enormous delivery door. He became rigid, his
eyes like marbles, as he mentally bore down on
the door; a powerful whirring commenced as the
controlling motors were activated; Demoli
trembled and his eyes began to glow as the
huge door crepitatingly opened. A laser screen
remained, preventing the contents of the mall
from being sucked into the silent vacuum of
space. With the door motionlessly open, Demoli
turned his eyes on Shred and Betty, who were
rapidly approaching the opening of the
tube-he sped up their action and they came
spinning out of the tube like meteors, shooting
through the laser screen into the disembodying
darkness of The Unknown, where life is
impossible for anything other than the heaviest
metals.
The door snapped shut.
"Sargeant Sheisskopf, I demand an explana-
tion! Where is my son?" The Sargeant sat
lumpenly at his desk, head in hands.
"I wish I knew. When I came to this morning, I
knew my life was all but over; first you called,
then the other kid's mother called, and I didn't
know what in hell to tell either of you. I knew
you'd come down here; I knew I still wouldn't
know what to tell you. I knew you'd look like an
incompetent old cop. The worst part of it, Mrs.
Druid, is that right now that's exactly where I am."
The door flew open and Betty's mom breezed
in.
"This is a fine howdie-do! I pay taxes to
support a dribbling old bull-bag cop who
hangs-up the damn phone on me! And look at
this mess!: The Sargeant and Mrs. Druid were in
raised-eyebrow silence-what else can you do
when a cyclone whirls through the door? The
woman was manic-
"Doesn't the taxpayer's money buy janitorial
service? This place is a regular sty! Guess it's
appropriate...she mumbled distractedly as
she scanned the room. "What's that smell?
Smells like someone put the Tupperware on the
hot-plate... "She sniffed the air.
"What you smell," said the Sargeant, "is
burned linoleum. Right there in the cell, a
burn-hole in the floor."
"You mean to tell us," said Mrs. Druid, "that
our children inhaled toxic fumes? Possibly even
PCB? Is that what happened?" her voice rose
hysterically. "They're in the hospital? My son
is...is...dying?
said Sheisskopf,
"and before this gets
out of control, I want
both of you to know
that Shred and Betty
both are in over their
heads."
"Mother dear," said Betty's mom, "try to get a
grip on yourself. There's a burn-hole in the
linoleum, that's all. Cool out." She put her arm
around Mrs. Druid's shoulders. "Say, what's
your name? I'm Louise Mulcahey but my friends
call me Cha-Cha."
"I'm Arlene, Arlene Druid. My son Shred and
your daughter were arrested last night! Can you
imagine?"
"Oh yeah, I can imagine all right; Betty's no
Tessie Pureheart" Mrs. Druid was shocked; the
jolt straightened her right up.
"How did my son get involved with a girl like
that? Shred is an 'A' student! A model young
man
"Now hold on just a minute, Mrs. Druid,"
Sargeant Sheisskopf broke in, "Shred has been
a thorn in my side for the past year and a half. I
hauled him in last night after he wiped out a
whole three blocks of street lights."
"My Shred?"
"No Arlene, the other Shred. Who do you
think? My Betty may be a trifle wild, but she's
certainly in the same league as Shred."
I have never had to come to the Police
Department before! Your daughter is obviously
leading my son astray!
"Are you calling Betty a delinquent by any
chance?
"Well, yes, I suppose I am."
"You take that back, you suburban biddy!"
"Mrs. Mulcahey, it's..."
"Ms. Mulcahey, it's quite plain to me that your
daughter is the reason I'm here to collect my
son; prior to tonight I've never had a speck of
trouble from Shred."
"Maybe if you'd paid a little more attention to
the contents of his bed, you'd know what he's
been up to late at night," said Sheisskopf, "and
before this gets out of control, I want both of you
to know that Shred and Betty both are in over
their heads."
"Whattaya mean? They sink in quicksand?"
said Cha-Cha
"Really Sargeant, you haven't given us any
explanation."
"How could I? You were having such a cozy
conversation."
"Why don't you start at the beginning, from
when you picked them up last night." Cha-Cha
suggested.
"Yes, that's an excellent idea Sargeant."
Sheisskopf thought that an excellent idea too;
maybe by retracing the events of the fateful
night he could determine what the hell hap
pened. He began slowly, a contemplative lookin
his eyes, his voice a low monotone:
"At 2:20 a.m. I got a report that someone was
breaking out the lights along Manor Way; I was
busy at the, uh, at, uh, I was handling another
call. By the time I got there."blah ba blah ba
blah..
The air in the black void was cooler than a '58
Cadillac. Shred and Betty hung in space, drifting
farther and farther from the mall, sustaining
themselves on what little air remained in their
lungs-but it would soon be used up, even if
their hearts weren't hammering from the
adreneline spur that fear jabbed into their veins.
They knew this was The End. Though their
intertwined fingers were freeze-locked, they
wandered alone through their brief lives,
recalling brilliant sessions and wild wipe-outs-
but this was the wildest wipe-out of all. What a
way to go...the air in their lungs began to
dissipate as the Nubulae Mall receded,
becoming a sport of light in the distance, the
only thing visible in the black silent waste-
land..
"Fantastique, Demoli! Zat teks care of mes
amis, eh?"
"You betcha."
"Now we need to deescuss ze next move."
"Yeah, well first I wanna get some food and
Z-out. I'm zonked. Why don't we swiz over to my
folks? They live just a couple of bleems from
here. My Mom makes a great usnic stew."
"Usnic"?"
"Oh you'll like it. It's a fungus that grows on the
shady side of a useless little orb that hangs out
at the edge of the galaxie. Strictly gourmet fare.
Hand over the alligator and we'll be on our way."
"I don't have ze alligator. You do."
"Come on Volcan, quit foolin' around and
gimme the alligator.
"But Demoli, I do not have eet."
Demoll wondered if Volcan was holding out
on him. He decided that he was telling the truth.
His eyes flared and he began to pace frantically.
"WELL WHERE THE HELL IS THE
ALLIGATOR THEN?!"
IS THIS THE END FOR OUR SPACE-SKAT-
ERS? WILL THEY PERISH LIKE ICE-CUBES
ON A HOT STOVE? WHO HAS THE AL-
LIGATOR? AND WHAT DOES USNIC TASTE
LIKE? FIND OUT NEXT MONTH!
15