THE ADVENTURES OF SHRED & BETTY
EPISODE II
Shred and Betty sat in the small holding cell
and considered their fate; it would be ten a.m.
before Sergeant Sheiskopf would find out that
the phone numbers they gave him-allegedly
belonging to their parents-would actually jingle
the unattended phones of Hyper Space Video
Hut and Shoot's Liquors. They were safe from
reprimand for the next six hours.
There was a commotion at the door as an
officer herded two skaters in for booking on
trespassing charges. Their boards were placed
innocently alongside Shred's and Betty's on the
desk. The one small cell would now be filled to
capacity with four of the most vicious and
deranged criminals known to Suburbia:
Teenage Skaters. The thought of this wretched
adolescent turpitude locked up for the night
gave Sheiskopf a feeling of satisfaction: once
again, he and his underlings had made the
streets safe for murderers, perverts and
homicidal psychopaths; Democracy Had Been
Preserved!
you
"Well, Shred," said Sheiskopf as he slammed
the cell door, you've got the makings for a nice
little party in here tonight; sorry I can't offer
any refreshments." The key turned in the lock
and Sheiskopf walked back to his desk,
laughing.
"He's got the mentality of a chloroformed
frog," said Shred.
"Oh Fred," Betty said, "you have such a way
with words."
The new cellmates stood with their hands
shoved deep in the pockets of their Levi's; the
one with the cowboy hat cast furrowed glances
from Shred to Sheiskopf. He spoke methodi
cally:
"Zat man eez lahk ze zmell of a publique
toilette. I am ill." With lightning mental reflexes,
Shred detected that this guy was a foreigner;
Betty tapped him on the arm and offered an
inquisitive look. He blurted his question without
a trace of tact: "Hey, you from around here?"
The cowboy faced Shred with a look of
disdain and said, "Non. I am from France."
"So's my underwear," said Betty.
"Ah...eet must be very fine," and he looked at
her with X-ray eyes. Shred decided he didn't like
this guy too much. But, in the interests of Skate
Brotherhood, Shred put his feelings aside, told
the cowboy his name and reluctantly introduced
Betty.
"My name eez Volcan," said the newcomer,
"and my friend here eez...eh, my cousin,
Demoli. He does not speak your language. And
I would lahk to compliment you on your taste in
women." Again, Volcan turned his X-ray eyes on
Betty. She glared at him, "Watch it, Yah-hoo."
"So," said Shred, "what brings you to
California? Our fine wines? Our beautiful
women? The Capitola Classic?"
"Ah Monsieur Shred, you amuze me. Perhaps
I weel need your help, in wheech kess I weel
reveal my mission."
French, yes?"
"You know," said Betty. "for someone who
may need help you sure are bein' a flaky pastry.
A big French one. You croissant!"
"Yet you admeet zat your underwear eez
"Not that it's any of your business, Yah-hoo,
but they were in a sale bin at Capwells.
While this trivial diatribe was taking place,
Shred noticed that Demoli was clinging to the
cell door bars, staring with great intensity at
Sheiskopf, the Lone Officer, who was beginning
to doze off. Shred kept his eyes glued on Demoli
as Betty traded put-downs with Volcan; in less
than a minute, Sheiskopf's head thunked onto
his desk and he was in a deep sleep. Demoli
"Volcan! C'est fini
turned suddenly to Volcan.
"Ça va bien! Cherchez les skateboards!"
"Hey!" said Betty. "What's goin' on?"
"Yeah! What're you doin'? What th.....
"Silence!" barked Volcan. "Demoli must
concentrate!" Shred and Betty were about to
bolt from the bench, but remained seated, their
eyes riveted on Demoli who was beginning to
sweat. They watched, open-mouthed, as one of
the boards began to move slowly, twitchingly.
from Sheiskopf's desk, rising eerily into the air,
its wheels turning imperceptibly. The silence
was deafening. Haltingly, the board traversed
the air like a ghost; just as it reached a point
midway between the desk and cell...
"AAaah-CHHOO000r Shred tried to
smother the sneeze with his hand, but it was too
late; the board clattered to the floor like a
dropped plate. All eyes were on Sheiskopf,
whose head jerked up slightly as he made a
snorkeling noise. Demoli's eyes bore down on
Sheiskopf; Volcan was furious.
"You imbecile!" he screamed at Shred. "Eef
fools lahk you were worth my time, I'd..."
"Hey Yah-hoo, lighten up: Fred hadda
sneeze, he couldn't help it."
"You are lucky, Demoli has eet under control.
Ze Zargeant sleeps."
HOW HOW
DARE YOU TAL
TO ME LIKE THAT
YOU FILTHY,
DISGUSTING
Once again the board began to lift into the air
and drift to the cell. Demoli's knuckles were
white from gripping the bars. Shred began to
wonder why Demoli and Volcan were so intent
on retrieving the board; it seemed like a lot of
trouble just for the sake of thrashing the tiny
crowded cell.
The board hovered just out of reach outside
the cell door. Volcan stuck out his arm as far as
he could and grabbed the board as soon as it
came close enough. He pulled it toward him and
it hit the bars like a bed-slat
"Nom de Dieu! C'est trop grand!" moaned
Demoli. No matter which way Volcan turned the
board it just would not fit through the bars; the
positioning of the trucks made it impossible.
"Demol, remove ze trocks." But Demoli was
slumped in the corner, exhausted from the
strain.
"En peu de temps, Volcan; je suis très fatigue.
Laissez-moi reposer." Volcan realized that
Demoli was pooped; he also realized he should
have been prepared for such involuntary
weakness.
MAN, POP YOUR EYES AND
STRETCH YOUR BUDGET
"I should have brought ze zcrew-
drivair, or zomzing"
"Fred, don't you have one?"
"C'est impossible; Shred could not
possibly have a zcrewdrivair. Zey
would have confiscated eet."
"It just so happens," said Shred, "that
I do have a screwdriver, a folding one I
made in metal shop. Fits in the sole of
my shoe."
"Stop wasting my time and let me
have eet
"I want something in return, Volcan."
"Anyzing, just geeve me ze zcrew-
drivair
"I want to know what's really going on
here, what's the big rush to get your
deck."
"Yeah," said Betty, "what's so
important about your extremely
average skateboard?"
Volcan agreed to tell them the true
story, but first they swore to secrecy "at
all costs."
"Very well," said Volcan, setting the
board down outside the cell, "I weel tell
you ze true story. You know, I am sure,
about zoze èediotic leetle shirts wiz ze
aligator on zem? Deed you evair
wondair why La Coste chose an
alligator for zair emblem?"
"Not really," said Betty.
"Well, ze La Coste family eez a very
beeg and wealthy family whose origins
are in Belgium; zey were instrumental
in settling what eez now known as
Zaire. Legend has eet zat ze grand-
fazair, who was friendly weez ze Congo
natives, was eaten by a very large
alligator zat ze natives believed to be a
god. Zeenking zat zis alligator-god was
angry, ze natives made a tiny statue, a
religeous icon, zat was worn lahk a
pendant by zair chief. Ze oldest La
Coste grandson managed to get eet
from ze chief for fifteen cases of
Tanqueray Gin; he had ze alligator
made into a tie-tack before he came to
ze United States to attend Harvard,
making him ze first student to wear an
alligator. Eet was inherited by heez
daughter, who wore eet as a steeck-
peen. She went into ze clozing
business-and she adopted ze
alligator as ze La Coste emblem."
"So who cares?" said Betty. Shred
yawned, it being almost dawn and
having had no sleep.
"Ah! Let me feeneesh! Ze La Coste
family has been searching for the ze
original alligator for twenty years! Ze
daughter-Pookie-who founded ze
beeziness was ze last to zee eet, and
she has been in a zanitarium as long as
ze search for ze alligator has been
going on. Ze alligator was last seen in
her jewelry box in Paris...until I, Volcan,
found eet een a small village in
Morocco. I traded sixty-five pairs of Levi
501s for eet, and smuggled eet into
your country to remand eet to Pookie's
daughter, Twinky. She weel give me a
half-million dollairs for eet. Eet eez een
one of ze wheels on my skateboard."
After letting all this sink in, Betty said,
"So if Shred lends you his screwdriver,
that makes us accomplices. Do we get
any dough?"
"But of course, cheri
Shred ripped the sole off his shoe
and forked over the screwdriver.
Volcan unscrewed the trucks and
dropped them inside the cell.
"I'm not sure wheech wheel ze
alligator eez een."
Probably the one that's heavier than
the rest," said Shred.
"Ah, non. Ze alligator weights
nozzing."
"C'mon Volcan," said Shred, "it has to
weight something. Everything weighs
something."
"On this planet anyway," said Betty.
She looked over at Demoli, who was
sound asleep on the floor. Her female
antennae told her something was a little
weird
"So what's this little alligator made
out of that doesn't weigh anything?"
she said. Volcan ignored the question.
"I need a knife, zomzing sharp to cut
ze wheels. Shred, do you...?" The one
thing Shred didn't have was a knife. But
Betty almost did...
"Here," she said, handing Volcan her
shoe, "take the rubber tip off the heel.
When I carve, I really carve. "Beneath
the tip the heel was filed to a sharp
point.
Volcan hacked away at one wheel,
uncovering nothing; the second wheel
was also void. But the third wheel
revealed a two-inch, rather primitive-
looking alligator made out of a
weightless and iridescent metallic
substance something like glass and
something like gold. It was absolutely
stunning. Betty hummed appreciatively.
Suddenly, Demoli sprang up from the
floor, fully awake. His eyes focused on
the alligator, which began to glow. So
did Demoli's eyes...he reached out for
the icon, his eyes like embers. Volcan
pulled it away.
"Demoli! Non! Attendez
"J'ai trop attendu! Je vais chez-moi
immediatement!"
Tu es un petit con! You cannot go
home, not now!
In a blind telekinetic fury, Demoli sent
the rest of the skateboards clattering up
against the cell door; the alligator
began to heat up, its glow intensifying
until it began to pulse in Volcan's hand;
he dropped it and it sizzled on the floor,
melting the linoleum.
Shred and Betty were-in simple
terms-blown away. Obviously, their
new friends were far from French...
"HOLY THUNDER TRUCKS, FRED!
THEY'RE... THEY'RE
"ALIENS, BETTY! ALIENS?!
Shred grabbed Betty just before
demolecularization began; they clung
together as the air began to hum and
heat up, watching like zapped cows as
Demoll and Volcan faded into two-di-
mensional spectres that shimmered
like heat waves on a desert hi-way; they
felt their own bodies tingle as they
entered into the mysterious metamor-
phosis that was transforming them into
raw unleashed energy, pulsing through
the cosmic void at speeds no human
could comprehend, beyond the speed
of light, beyond all concepts of time,
space and Einstein's Theory, rocketing
through space so fast they couldn't
enjoy the scenery-the blinking quarks,
the scintillating White Holes, the fireball
quazars-landing in another dimension
that would forever rearrange their brain
cells and their understanding of Life As
We Know It.....
WHAT'S NEXT FOR SHRED AND
BETTY? FRANTIC PARENTAL UNITS
LEFT ON EARTH? LASER
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SIDE OF THE MOON? THRASHING
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